#self-check in

[satrinas-journal]

Goals for today 12/8/21

- read chapters 15&16 and take accompanying quiz

- make outline for psycotherapy essay

- pick topic and character for psychology case study paper

[greenwitchblackthumb]

30 May 2018

Just like a thing on where I'm at with the path. I need to put this down somewhere I can remember. And i know i love reading about people's personal lives. So here you go, ya nosy things.

Gods

I am trying to narrow down who I like and want to research more. There are a lot listed below and I know there is no way I can deal with more than 2 or 3 main deities, so I'm just trying to puzzle it out as I go.

I'm not looking to work with them in my craft--just get to know them.

Kemetic

I am leaning into doing Kemetic ritual. I naturally fell into making offerings to the Netjer as a whole, and Thoth and Sekhmet-Hathor by name. They are the only gods I actively honor at the moment, and it sort of just happened in a moment where I needed some help. And then I kept going back.

They don't really talk back to me so far, and I don't really ask for much beyond the ability to get all my writing-related work done... but the ritual process calms me down and I must say, minor give and take exchanges between me and the gods are much more preferable to me than that abusive guiltridden shitfest of being a born-again Christian and giving my life and agency over to christ without being allowed to set any of your own conditions.

I have nothing against Christopagans at all, I'm sure they do things differently than I did and have a wonderful experience. But I can't go back.

Also interested in Bast and Bes.

Greco-Roman

I may have been contacted by Eos and Aphrodite/Venus in separate divination based ways, not sure. I'm not particularly interested in either of them otherwise.

I do have an interest in Apollo, as well as Nyx, Hypnos and their kids, and also Hades and Persephone. Someone's divination turned up Nyx for me yesterday, which was interesting. And I've pulled Apollo from a friend's deck the only two times I've used it. Both were one card spreads.

I like all these gods but if I decide to engage further, they would probably only be gods I gave offerings to once in a while. Apollo, Persephone and Hades might be more frequent.

Norse

Freya is the first god I ever seriously considered and I don't know why I haven't gone into her myths more. I think I'm scared she won't be right for me. But she stays on my list even though I don't know much about her, which is probably a sign that I should look into her further. But a goddess of beauty? It doesn't make sense that I would be a good devotee for a goddess like that.

Still, pulling Aphrodite/Venus from my goddess tarot deck could have been a sign to consider a love and beauty goddess (Freya herself wasn't in this deck).

And she has known pain from love, too. She's not shallow (and why should I think beauty is necessarily shallow?). Women in Viking society did things and played a more active part than in most. Maybe I just convinced myself to give this a go.

Loki... I feel the sense of a kindred spirit when I read other people's stories about life as a Lokean. I feel drawn. But I also feel wary. If I go down this path I will need to be very careful and I'm just not ready for it yet. I want life on my terms for the most part, and I don't know if Loki is gonna be good with that.

Odin... maybe. His wandering, travelling, knowledge-seeking side. Not as a primary god.

Thor... I like his protector aspect but not much else grabs me.

I'm a bit intimidated by this whole pantheon really. So much history to read!

Other

Brigit from Ireland waits in the wings. I do like that she actually does stuff.

Craft

I'm definitely animist. I have to ask permission from everything before I do anything with it or I don't feel right.

I use what's already there and bring the properties of it to the surface.

I try to nudge the balance of probabilities in my favour.

I don't curse or hex but I can't say I never will. Depends on if I meet someone who has done something awful enough.

I don't know if I am a witch or something else. Wiccans command powers and deities, many witches spells I've seen also command forces. I ask. More than most people.

I do have an interest in chaos magic, however. As well as an academic interest in ceremonial.

Plants

I have discovered I really love plants. Even my energy shield thing is a plant.

I always thought I couldn't care less about plants. But I grew up in a home where my parents would buy the plants but then not nurture them, and they died. I think they kind of did the same to us kids--just didn't give us quite enough and mixed it all in with a toxic heirarchy. Maybe I was psychically deadened by it all, and the plants that thrived in spite of us saw me as part of the problem so they didn't want to connect.

I remember being disheartened from gardening at the sight of all the plants dying, thinking, why should we bother?

In the first few months after I left home, I bought a basil plant and I loved and cared for that little plant so much. Come winter, it died as basil naturally does, and I wasn't prepared. I was so demoralised by losing it that I didn't try again for another two years. My second attempt at a potted garden was by necessity on such an out of the way part of my property that I never went there and I forgot to water them. They weren't part of my daily life and routine, so how could I connect?

This time I am physically close to my plants, and prepared for my basil to die a peaceful death.

Skills

I realised I'm an empath, but also kind of an extroverted version of one. It's weird and it means I overshare in a need to connect. I love talking to people but also need my space.

I have always been quite lucky with small coincidences and wonder if I have been able to manifest them somehow unconsciously? I suppose I'll never know. But most of my spells work, too. It's weird and I wish I knew more.

I seem to be good at divination but then it crossed over with some accidental mediumship on my part and now I'm trying to lock all my stuff down and make sure I'm extra protected.

I wasn't looking to become a medium or work with spirits beyond my ancestors. So I'm a bit in shock. now I've been blown wide open and I get overstimulated very easily so have had to develop my shield and armour in response, and figure out a way to visualise turning my third eye and empath abilities up and down. Getting there.

Maybe I'll try mediumship again in a year or two but not right now.

....aaaand that's about it.