So, I had a really *really* bad day today. I was going to work on requests, but I was simply too emotional. So I wrote this, as a little bit of self-comfort, and I decided I might as well share, maybe someone else finds some comfort in it too.
My brain has decided I love Nozel now, and while I fought it hard, I just had to give in. So without any further ado, enjoy this little piece.
2nd person. GN reader.
Warnings: bad day, bad mood, possible mental health issues, low self-esteem. Good ending for comfort feelings.
It was one of those days. The kind where you wake up, and you just know something is going to go wrong. And then everything just goes wrong. No matter how hard you try, no matter how positive you try to be, the sinking feeling at the back of your mind won’t go away. The moment that first thing goes wrong, it just starts a domino effect, smaller inconveniences making your day increasingly difficult until the metaphorical bucket is full, and your literal eyes spill over.
There were just so many little things happening and nothing that could comfort you. You had your favorite food prepared for lunch, but the taste was off. You tripped and hit your elbow, and now your arm hurt when you tried to stretch it. Things were going wrong in so many ways that you were sure you did something to piss off some kind of supernatural being. It had to be.
You didn’t want to waste away the day in your bedroom, however big the temptation was. The idea of just putting your nightclothes back on and slipping between the sheets was tempting. The bed, where maybe your lover’s lingering scent would be enough to calm you down and make you feel safe as if everything was going to be okay.
But you were quite sure that the one that would unknowingly be providing that comfort would disapprove of your way of handling this. As devoted and loving Nozel Silva was around you, he still had his pride, work ethic, and family name, and expected you to uphold that as well. After all, you’re family too. Usually, you were quite good at it. The manners, the poise, the hard work,... Today, however, you just wanted to scream your lungs out and cry your eyes empty, dignity be damned.
You bit your lip and walked around a bit, focusing on your breathing as a means to calm down. It worked for a bit, enough to have you gather the courage to go to the captain’s office. You knew Nozel didn’t particularly like it when you interrupted his work, but you figured he wouldn’t be too mad if you didn’t speak. You just wanted to sit near him for a bit, you just wanted to feel better, and you were fairly certain that his presence was just what you needed.
However, when you knocked on the door and you heard him tell you to come in, all that resolve melted away. You stepped inside. He was sitting behind his desk, pen in hand, probably doing some paperwork. He tilted his head slightly, looking up at you with a curious face. It wasn’t your habit to interrupt his work. The moment his eyes met yours, you felt the hot tears sting at the corner of your eyes and you immediately looked down.
Too late, for Nozel was way too observant to miss that little detail.
“Y/n, what’s-”
“Please...let me just sit here for a bit?”
Your voice was more quiet than normal, and you were still looking at your feet. Nozel didn’t immediately answer, further defeating whatever part of your brain thought it was a good idea to come over here when you were like this. You heard his chair scrape back, and the thought of him coming closer and inquiring about what had made you feel this way today was too much.
The first tear spilled over, and the others soon followed now that the dam was broken. You bit your lip, doing your best to hold back on the sobs as your shoulders trembled from the sheer effort. You were too focused on keeping it together to notice what Nozel was doing until you heard a lock click and felt two familiar hands on your shoulders.
Your body acted before your mind could even come up with a reason why you shouldn’t, and you leaped forward, hugging Nozel close and crying in his chest, tears now streaming freely. You were doing your best to keep quiet, already inwardly berating yourself for being such a baby, for being so dramatic, for being so-
“It’s alright.”
His voice put an immediate halt to all those terrible intrusive thoughts before they could even take a darker turn. You choked out another sob, higher-pitched than the previous one, in sad confusion, and you sniffled.
“Whatever it is. However long it takes. It will be alright.”
You couldn’t immediately form a response, but with the way he was holding you, rubbing soothing circles over your shoulders as you let out all the tears and with them all the frustrations and negative emotions for the day.
When the tears stopped flowing and your throat felt raw, you pulled back a little to make eye contact. Nozel’s eyes showed only concern, briefly interrupted by a bit of disgust when you wiped your cheeks and nose on your sleeve.
“I am sorry.” You sounded tired, broken.
“What for?”
“Coming here,” you started, feeling tears welling up again as you felt guilty, “interrupting your work. I know you don’t-” You hiccuped, another sob escaping, “I know you don’t like me bothering you when you’re working. I’m sorry, I-”
A slender finger was gently placed over your lips, effectively shutting you up.
“Stop saying sorry. You will never be a bother to me.”
“bu-”
“Ssh”
He took his finger away from your lips only to cup your cheek, tilting your face slightly so you had no choice but to look him in the eyes.
“I love you y/n. Whatever is plaguing your mind, whatever is bothering you, whatever has happened, there is nothing that will make me stop loving you.”
“I love you too”, you replied, voice still brittle, the sound barely above a whisper. “I just… really had to be with you.”
“Then I’ll stay with you. As long as you need.” He wiped away a few leftover tears, then kissed your cheek.
“But your work..”, you started weakly, not really ready to make a compelling argument but not wanting to be a bother still.
“You will always be more important.”
He took your hand, and gently led you to the couch, sitting down first so you could join after, making yourself comfortable leaning on his chest.
“You don’t have to do this all alone”
“Thank you”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
You nodded, feeling the final tension slip away from your body.
This is a series. Start here, continued from here.
This is a sequel to Honor Bound, Honor Bound 2, Honor Bound 3, Honor Bound 4, and the prequel Vera.
AO3
Content warning: past torture, chronic pain, jealousy, bad self-esteem, past implied noncon of a minor, discussion of polyamory, discussion of sex, implied future spice
~
As Sam carried their bowl into the kitchen after dinner, Edrissa met their eyes with a shy smile. They stacked their bowl by the sink as Vera rolled up her sleeves and turned on the hot water. Isaac and Gavin began to pile the cooking pans by the sink, Gavin’s eyes a little red-rimmed, and Isaac watching Gavin as they moved around the kitchen. Finn and Ellis had decided to eat dinner in Burmingham after they’d spent all day fixing up their house. Tori kissed Vera gently on the cheek and stood to the side of the sink, ready to dry dishes as Vera handed them to her.
Zachariah hovered at Sam’s shoulder, an anxious, near-constant presence since he’d called Edrissa ‘sweetheart’ that afternoon. He wrung his hands, glancing every now and then at the sink where Vera was now scrubbing each dish, rinsing it, and passing it to Tori to dry.
Almost without thinking, Sam gently placed their hand on Zachariah’s arm.
Edrissa’s gaze flicked to Sam’s hand, and back to their face. Her clear blue eyes darkened, just a little. Faded. Her smile was still there, as gorgeous as ever, but the corners of her mouth fell slightly as Sam watched. They wet their lips to speak.
“Want to go for a walk?” Edrissa said first. Her gaze flicked to Zachariah. “Um… just… just you and me.” She smiled wider, but it seemed forced, that sadness still tightening in her eyes.
Sam’s mouth went dry, and they swallowed. “Yeah,” they rasped. They glanced at Zachariah and squeezed his arm.
Zachariah’s eyes went slightly wide, and he glanced around at the others.
“They won’t bite,” Sam said gently, and smiled at him. They stepped away and followed Edrissa to the back of the house, and out into the warm night.
The sun was still up, shining over the lake, not even behind the trees yet. Sam blinked and tilted their head back, breathing in deep the clean air, the smell of the grass and sand and trees. They felt the wind play through their hair, felt Edrissa’s warm fingers clasp through theirs as they walked through the overgrown yard and out the back gate to the beach. The grass was patchy, giving way to sand that shifted under Sam’s bare feet.
The moon hadn’t risen yet. It was almost the full moon – Edrissa kept track of things like that, the moon, the seasons, the time when the herbs in the garden sprouted and bloomed. She had a little journal Gray had given her where she drew plants and charts of the starts, patterns for clothes, sketches of Nata where he sat in the sunny windowsills. It occurred to Sam that the last time they saw Edrissa scribbling in her little book, she’d been close to the end of it. Sam had seen a shop in Crayton that sold pretty things like Edrissa seemed to like: notebooks, pens, tiny jars of colorful ink that they’d seen her staring at when they went into town. They were unbelievably expensive, all of it either taken off luxury syndicate shipments or purchased from black market dealers – who knew there was a black market for fountain pens? – but if Sam started volunteering with the refugees and saving the credits Daniel Schiester gave them…
Maybe I should get her a new notebook, they thought to themself. Maybe she’d like the one with the pink flowers on the cover. Or… she seemed to like the leather ones, too. Maybe I could get one for her birthday. When was that again? I think it was—
“We missed your birthday,” Sam whispered.
Edrissa blinked and looked at them. “What?” The sun shone on her hair, making it seem like liquid gold.
Sam reached out and tucked a lock behind her ear. “Y-your birthday,” they said softly. “It’s in May, isn’t it? We… we missed it.”
Edrissa shrugged and looked at the sand shifting under her feet as she walked. She turned slightly and they both began to walk along the shore of the lake. “It was May fifth. You were, um… s-south,” she murmured.
Sam stopped where they stood. “Oh.”
Edrissa stopped beside them and squeezed their hand. “It’s okay,” she said gently. “Gray celebrated with me. We went into town and went to that restaurant that makes the cheese they light on fire. Then we went to Ms. Clancy’s nursery and Gray let me pick out any herb I wanted.” Edrissa glanced back at the house. “I picked the lemon balm. It’s loving the cool weather. That’s what I made the tea from.”
Sam turned to fully face Edrissa. She had a proud little smile on her face, and a sparkle in her eyes that she always got when she talked about her beautiful things. The breeze made wisps of her hair float around her face, and her lips were curved up into a smile that made Sam want to lean forward and kiss her.
Without a word, they cradled her face and brushed their lips against hers.
Edrissa sighed and pulled Sam close, her fingers winding into their shirt. She trembled as Sam carefully pulled their right arm out of its sling and wound it around her waist, holding her close. Their right shoulder was sore, but there was no flash of pain, no bolt of agony through the wound. Edrissa ghosted her tongue over Sam’s lower lip and they whimpered softly. They didn’t meet her tongue with theirs, though, because Edrissa didn’t like that.
But Edrissa liked kissing Sam, and Sam loved that.
Edrissa pulled slightly away, breaking the kiss but keeping her forehead pressed against Sam’s. She shivered in the breeze and blew out a slow breath as she held Sam.
“Edrissa?” Sam said softly. They gently pulled their hands away and let them fall to their sides. Their right arm twinged, and chewed the inside of their cheek as they held back their groan of pain. Their gaze moved over her face. Her fingers tightened in Sam’s shirt and she bit her lip like she was holding back tears.
Sam’s eyebrows drew together. Their stomach dipped. “Edrissa?” They licked their lips. “What’s the matter?”
Edrissa finally released Sam and wiped her eyes. She sniffed. “Um… I was just thinking… um…” She shrugged jerkily. “I’ve been, um… w-watching, um, you. And Zachariah.”
Sam’s eyebrows shot up, and they pushed down the stir of warmth in their chest. “Y-yeah?”
“Yeah,” Edrissa said. She cleared her throat. “And you, um… you seem to, um, do really well together. You look, um, good.”
Sam ventured a smile. “So do you, Edrissa,” they said gently.
Edrissa waved the comment away. “He’s… he’s big, and, um, and strong, and he’s really nice.”
“Yeah, he is.” Sam reached out and squeezed Edrissa’s hand. The sling hung empty around their neck.
“And… he seems to like, um, you.” Edrissa shrugged again. She wrapped her free arm around her waist and looked at the ground.
Sam’s heart skipped a beat. “You think so?” they croaked, and glanced back towards the house, shining white-yellow in the sun.
“He’d be really good for you, Sam,” Edrissa said, and Sam was confused to hear a hint of sadness – of dismay – in her voice. “He’s good, and kind, and he’ll protect you. And he’d probably be okay with… he’d… probably…” Edrissa released Sam’s hand and wrapped her other arm around her waist, squeezing herself tight. Tears glittered in her eyes.
Sam’s eyebrows pulled together, and they tilted their head as they looked at Edrissa – their beautiful girlfriend, their sweet Edrissa, gorgeous and talented and special. They chewed their lip. “Edrissa… I don’t…”
“What I mean to say is,” Edrissa said, tight-lipped, “Is that… I think you two should go together.”
Sam watched Edrissa carefully. “Okay…”
“Because… I would understand if…” Edrissa blinked and two tears ran down her cheeks. Edrissa swiped them away and stared at the ground again. “You deserve… everything, Sam,” she rasped. “You deserve someone who’s strong, and not broken, someone who can, um… h-have sex. I don’t know if I’ll… ever want to. I don’t know if I can.”
Sam reached out to her. “Edrissa, I—”
She pulled away from their grasp. “He’s good for you, Sam,” she whimpered, her voice trembling. “You’re good together. And I mean… he’s… he’s gorgeous… and so considerate, and he’d… he’d… treat you s-so well…”
Sam’s heart pounded in their chest. “Edrissa, are you… b-breaking up with me?” Their chest ached. Their skin felt too tight, their lungs not quite able to expand.
“N-no!” Edrissa cried, and grabbed Sam’s hand. “No, I… I want to be with you, I just… I want you to be… happy. And Zachariah can make you happy.”
“You make me happy, too,” Sam whimpered. Their mind reeled, grasping for an answer, a reason why Edrissa would do this. “And… you like him too, right?”
Edrissa blinked. “Well… yeah, I mean… he’s… he’s wonderful. I like his arms, and his voice, and his lips, and how he always wants to help me in the kitchen, and… and…” She blushed a furious crimson.
Sam drew in a deep breath, trying to calm their pounding heart, trying to soothe the ache in their chest. “So… if you like him… and I like him…”
“He’ll choose you,” Edrissa whispered. “I know he’ll choose you. You’re…” Edrissa’s gaze flicked up to Sam and back. “You’re… He’d have to be crazy not to choose you.”
Sam looked at Edrissa for a long moment, searching her face with their gaze, swallowing against the lump in their throat. “Um… Edrissa, we could just… be with him… together?”
Edrissa blinked and raised her gaze to Sam’s. “We could… what?”
Sam shrugged. “I mean… you don’t have to? But… if you like him, and I like him, and he seems to like both of us…”
“You think so?” Edrissa breathed. Her eyes shone with painful-looking hope.
Sam suddenly thought back to Edrissa clambering up onto Zachariah’s back, holding the baking sheet aloft like a shield – and of how Zachariah’s hands had gently curved around her legs, how he’d been so careful as he dodged Sam’s handful of whipped cream, how he’d kept her safe, even from that innocent attack.
“Yeah,” Sam said with a nod. “I think so.”
Edrissa swallowed hard. “Is that… something people do… a lot?” she murmured. “I thought… I don’t know, I’ve never seen that before. My parents were married only to each other, and my boyfriend and I were only with each other, and my o-owner only ever had—” She cut herself off with a gasp and looked back down at her feet, sinking into the soft sand.
“I just know it’s something people do,” Sam said gently. “And we don’t have to if you don’t want to. But… Edrissa…” They stepped forward and cupped Edrissa’s face, tilting her head back so they could see her eyes. “I would, um… really, really like that. If we could all… be together. And… please know that…” They leaned forward and gently kissed Edrissa’s cheek. She drew in a short, quick breath. “I like you. A lot. And just because you’ve been through… what you’ve been through…” They kissed her other cheek, and she whimpered softly. “…doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with you. I told you.” They gently pressed their lips to hers. “I don’t need to have sex, if you don’t want to have it. You’re my… my girlfriend.” They smiled at the shiver of her breath against their lips as they said it. “And you told me what you wanted when we started this, and I told you that’s what I wanted, too.”
“Oh,” Edrissa murmured. She pulled Sam close and laid her head on their shoulder. “So… did you want to talk to him… tonight?”
Sam’s stomach flipped at the idea of pulling Zachariah close, kissing him, as Edrissa touched him, too, as he touched them both, together. Their mouth went dry. “Um, yeah,” they croaked. They laughed softly. “Yeah. Tonight. Sounds good.”
They turned back towards the house. Sam slung their left arm over Edrissa’s shoulders. She laced her fingers through theirs, and wound her arm around their waist. They laughed as they bumped hips, stumbling over the sand, as they made their way back to the house.
broke up with somebody because i need to (continue to) learn how to focus on & take care of myself before i can start doing that while with somebody else & then this morning i received a text from somebody who told me that he has a crush on me, which is flattering & sweet but uh
1. please everybody leave me alone! i cannot handle romance right now!!!!!!! wish i could but nope! 2. whaaaaat
do any of you see in me anyway??? want to be able to like myself (at least more than i do now) before i find out about others liking me! (that somebody else would ever like me still makes nooo sense to me oops anyway)
both ex & this other person are great ppl WHYYY would either like me i am a mess
i feel like shit!!!!!!!!! i just am in such desperate need of sleep & also care for body (which is suchsuchsuch a pendulum lately -- care for myself that is -- & today i did noooot do a good job of it at all & so now i feel g r o s s & t i r e d & s a d & even more terrified of my body ) but i just cannot bring myself to move from this desk
