#self-musing

[appagamento-blog]

A path of peace.

Muster the courage to cross the road        

Full of tender flowers and spiky thorns       

Cross the path to turn wrath into love     

To turn a beast into a man…

[1chijirexu-blog]

“Apparently, the Donquixotes loves throwing me with snowballs… Big times they have prepared those things behind me.😒 Did I made a mistake posted that meme?😐”

[primamchorus]

thought about gladio again for reimagined stuff. kind of reflecting on why gladio is short with noctis and not really so much anyone else. since i fleshed out some of my notes and drafts for my next couple of chapters, i've been rotating him a bit. like, now that i'm getting a better handle on his character from my own perspective.

aside from holding noctis to the standard of king regis and what he personally idolizes within what makes a 'good king', i think gladio's probably the only one who has seen angry and frustrated noctis more than anyone else. which is why he's more prone to snapping at noct to get a grip. to stop and actually assess the situation. to stop and use his head.

in gladio's mind, he's very used to considering noctis a brat, and held onto the belief that he wouldn't be fit to be king one day as they were growing up. sure, they were twelve and fifteen at the time, and people can certainly grow from their teen years and the opinions they had back then.

however, i don't think the idolization and the comparison between noctis to king regis ever really goes away. gladio still thinks king regis is a king to aspire to be for noctis. so when noctis doesn't showcase the same kind of composure or levelheadedness, that's when gladio starts to tick.

because gladio's seen noctis whenever he's angry and wanting to blow off steam the most. noctis keeps it from ignis, he keeps it from prompto. with ignis, there's little to push up against, because ignis, while firm in wanting noctis to be prepared for his role as king, does not enforce it heavily. and prompto is his first real friend outside of royalty and nobility (arguably, but that's another can of worms that i won't get into right now). so understandably, noctis probably doesn't want to show that ugly side of himself to prompto in fear of pushing away the one good, real thing he gained from being outside being conditioned to become king.

which leaves gladio who isn't afraid to bark back. who isn't afraid to put noctis in his place. who isn't afraid to butt heads when noctis is wanting to be angry. and i bet it feels real good to have someone get angry right back at you so that you have a reason to stomp your feet and actually aerate those grievances the only way you feel safe to.

[forgotten-story]

Finding Love Or Escaping Yourself?

Well, if I were to explain what my generation is looking for most, then I’d say, love, so that they won’t have to face themselves. Finding love as a source of inspiration, finding love that would complete them, to make them feel loved and to help them escape their loneliness. Love that would fuel emotions and feelings inside them. Love, which will make their so called life less dry and miserable.…

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[filmsandstories]

9/15/19 Keyboard Test

What if I peaked in high school? I mean, I only graduated about two months ago and already I feel like I’ve plateaued. Maybe my life has always been this static and I’m only realizing it now. The structure of high school gave me just enough to ignore reality.

My summer hasn’t been uneventful per se, but it was nothing like fanfiction and young adult romance novels led me to believe. I should be having the summer of my life in the midst of some epic love story but instead, I sleep my days away. At the beginning of the summer, I worked forty-hour weeks but then my manager hired too many people and my hours got cut.

I’m not even reflective enough to enjoy my self-pity. I’m not profound or insightful, all I do is complain. And not even to other people.

[magicalgirlfumiko]

I recycle a lot of past ideas into ones, because why abandon a decent when you can always retool it when you’re a bit older. Man, I really have used doll/puppet magic for a really loooong time. Funny to see how some of the old characters haven’t changed much and how others aren’t even the same thing anymore. 

[shortjohnsilver]

y’know i live in this world where I’m pathetic and can’t do anything right because i look at my life thus far as a massive failure. But by social standards and from an outside point of view I’ve never actually failed at anything big that I attempted. I got every job I ever applied for. I held them down for as long as I wanted and was seen as valuable and got raises and promotions. I tried harder than most would in my relationships and put up with a lot of shit and leaving was entirely justified, and in one case it was simply better for the other person because of my state of mind. I’m just pretty sure that nothing I do and nothing I achieve will ever be good enough for myself because I am a fucking asshole to me and I’m getting pretty sick of it. Twelve year old me expected more of sixteen year old me and sixteen year old me expected more of 20 year old me and 20 year old me expected more of 24 year old me and 24 year old me is just tired.

I just want to be proud of and content in my accomplishments but I’m so obsessed with every little damn thing I could have done better. Maybe it’s partly because I’m not good enough at the things that are really important to me. I’m not a good enough writer, or at drawing, or anything that I can use to tell a story. I spent a lot of time succeeding by social standards and obsessing over financial independence and keeping my significant others happy so I ignored times in my life where I should have been furthering the skills to lead to things I actually wanted to do with my life. It just feels too fucking late now and there’s nothing else I’ve ever really wanted to do except create and tell stories. But I’m not good enough at doing it. I know what I want from a story and the kind of stories I want to tell, I have intricate standards and analysis on the subject all stuffed up in my brain. But I have no way to execute it.