Self-Absorption x Self-Improvement.
It takes absolute courage to stand in front of someone and tell them that they're a pretty shitty person. And that's admirable.
A good friend of mine stood in front of me the other day and told me I was self-absorbed. This made me realise that someone else had tried to tell me the same thing a few days before, and I'd literally been too self-absorbed to see it. Ironic, right? So after my initial hurt, I thought I'd research this; I don't want to be that person to people, I don't want to be that person for myself. And as mindfulness will teach us, we need to work on ourselves always.
Objectively, when I looked at the information and at myself, here is what I found:
1. I talk at great length about myself. Not necessarily about what's happening in my life, but about how I feel about a certain situation and how it affects ME. I also tend to have an anecdote from my past for every story you have. Like your story wasn't good enough, so I have to give you one of my own.
2. I dress extravagantly, often showing a lot of flesh. Despite the fact that this may seem to be arrogance, this comes from a form of self-dislike. By dressing this way, I'm subconsciously trying to bring the attention to me, and to induce compliments. These compliments are what make me like you.
3. I interrupt you. Constantly. This is because I'm generally a bad listener. I become distracted by something passing by, or I'm ten paces ahead in the conversation because I'm not really listening like I should be.
4. I have no idea about current affairs, but still have an opinion on them. I can read one article about something occurring and feel that combined with my own opinion, I know what is going on and how it should be solved.
5. I exaggerate my successes because the validation it brings is far more comforting than facing the reality.
6. I feel sorry for myself. I have the inability to look at my faults objectively. I blame external factors or I give myself a hard time rather than actively trying to change them.
7. I am unreliable. I will promise to call you or 'let you know'. But I never do. Something else gets in the way. Usually, but not always, this can be something that has gone wrong and I don't want to tell you about it, because I need the validation and praise from when things go right.
Let's be clear. This isn't me giving myself a personal attack in order to lead to validation. I've got to the point where I don't care if validation curls up in a ball and dies, I want to be better. Bigger. Stronger.
I want to be the person you want to be around. The person that I want to be around. The person I thought you and I thought I was. But I'm not that person and the only way to remedy this undesirable character trait is to understand it and to work on improving that.
Why don't people invite me out? Why is it always me inviting? They don't want to be around someone who makes them feel like they're not good enough. And that's me. And I'm sorry I've done that to you. I'm sorry if I've made you feel like you're not good enough.
So here is what I plan to do:
1. Listen and properly listen. The world isn't just about me. When you tell a story it's as important as anything I have to say. And only in listening and asking questions will I learn about those around me and how wonderful they are to have around.
2. Be Reliable. If I say I'm going to be there and I'm not, that's not good enough. I will reply to messages, answer my phone, give real dates for meeting, not just...sometime next week.
3. Stop looking for validation. I need to stop exaggerating, stop flaunting myself, stop trying to charm people into a false idea of what I am.
4. Look around me. When you open your eyes to what you're seeing around you, the world is beautiful. This joy is real joy. Not a bubble of faux excitement I've created about my own world.
5. Lastly, I need to stop lying to myself. I need to stop ignoring the fact that I drink too much and hide behind this. I need to stop telling myself that everything is ten times better than it is. And I need to stop telling myself that you didn't call because you're the arsehole. It was me.
I'm focussing there for now. I want to be better and I'm trying. And I'm sorry. I'd ask for your help to point out when I'm being a dick, but I'm not sure I deserve it.
But hopefully I will soon x
