Dean Winchester X Fem Reader
Warnings: Slight cussing and thoughts of self hate
Word Count:4195
A/N: This is my first attempt at writing a song-fic and I really hope you all enjoy. I spent way to much time on it lol. Feedback is always wanted, so feel free to share any tips and advice!♥️♥️
To your palette
I’m translucent
At least when I’m looking at myself
At eighteen years old you stood in front of the mirror staring at yourself. Your eyes slowly raked over your body, pointing out things that you needed to change. Physically and just who you were as a person. You met him for the first time at sixteen, and the second your eyes laid on him, you knew you weren’t his idea of attractive. But there was a tiny part inside you that thought, maybe if he got to know you, maybe he’d see something he liked.
You were always the shy one of the group. Never really talking, just listening to the gossip. You were never one to make lots of friends or go out to parties. You preferred staying in bed and reading or laying on the couch and binging Netflix. And being the way you were never bothered you in the slightest, not until you met him.
“Bobby, how are you?” The familiar voice of John Winchester greeted your father. It might surprise a lot of people, but John was one of your favorite people to ever walk the earth. He treated you differently, almost like a daughter. He would take you places when he would visit, and if you got lucky he even let you drive his car. He was always there for you when you’d call upset and if you ever needed him, he wouldn’t hesitate to drive all night to get to you.
Throwing your book aside, not bothering to save your place. You rushed to the front door, where you jumped in the arms of your favorite man. He hadn’t been able to visit for well over six months and you missed him. But this visit was different, he was bringing his sons and it was going to be your first time meeting them. Every other time they came, your father had sent you off to your Aunt Jody’s to have a taste of ‘normal’ as he calls it.
“You’ve grown so much.” John laughed, setting you back on the ground. “I’d like you to meet Sam and Dean, boys this is Y/n.”
Looking behind John, you got ready to greet your future best friends and you couldn’t describe the feeling that came over you. It was something you had never felt before. As you made eye contact with his sparkling emeralds, butterflies began fluttering chaotically in your stomach and you could feel the heat creeping up your neck. “Hi.”
You’re that coltsfoot
Breaking Pavement
All I seem to do is break these things
You always had hope that maybe if you tried hard enough, just maybe he’d find something in you that he liked. Something that made him want to be with you. So you tried everything to get his attention. You would show off the skills you got from your fathers training. You would play his favorite music when you did your chores, knowing that he’d be there to hear. And you lost count of the amount of pies you baked him. But none of that ever worked. Sometimes you’d get some harmless flirting, but to him you were just his best friend. Nothing more, nothing less.
(Six months after meeting)
You had gotten up extra early that day to make sure you had time to go to the grocery store and get back before Dean ever woke up. You had everything planned out, he would wake up, come downstairs, see his favorite pie baked just for him and then fall madly in love with you. Yeah, maybe you were a bit delusional, but you could always hope right?
You were too busy making sure the crust was perfectly crisp to hear Dean walk into the kitchen. “What are you doing?” Dean asked, chest pressed up against your back. To flustered to answer right away, you moved to the side so he could peak over your shoulder.
“I’m um-I’m making you something.” Watching his eyes light as he saw what you made was enough to make your day.
“Well yeah, I just got bored. Not a big deal really.” You tried to play it off like you didn’t just spend five hours slaving over a damn pie. “You like cherry right?” You asked, obviously already knowing the answer.
“It’s my favorite, you’re amazing sweetheart.” Dean smiled placing a small kiss on your temple before rushing to get a plate. Most would think that was progress that he was beginning to like you. But no, that’s just Dean and his natural charm.
I might be a faded Polaroid
Trying to be something that I have never been
As years went on, you became less and less involved in Dean’s life. Usually he would visit every couple months with John and Sam, but even that didn’t happen anymore. John started sending him on cases by himself, so you only got to see him two, maybe three times a year. Sometimes you’d talk to him though, on the off chance you got the courage to call him. If you did it at just the right time, you would talk for hours about anything you could think of. But you didn’t always get that lucky.
You and your father had just gotten home from dinner. Bobby thought it would be a good idea to try the new diner that had just opened up in town. You knew from the second you tried their bacon cheeseburger that you had to tell Dean all about. As soon as you got home, you rushed up to your room, grabbing the phone on the way.
Plopping down on the bed, you looked over checking the time. It was almost 8pm where Dean was. It was late enough that he wouldn’t be busy with the case, but there was a high possibility he was busy with his...for the lack of a better word, ‘friends’.
Sighing, you decided to try anyway. What’s the worst that could happen?
“Hello?” Dean answered, his voice sending shivers down your spine.
“Hey Dean!” You answered excited. Expecting his voicemail, you were happily surprised.
“Hey sweetheart, I’m kind of busy right now.” He grunted through the phone, clearly shuffling around.
“Oh, well this will be quick. I wanted to tell you about that diner we saw last time you were here.” You hoped maybe he’d stop for a minute to talk, but it was then you heard what he was busy with.
“Are you almost done?” A female voice giggled in the background. Your heart immediately dropped. You knew there was a chance this would happen, calling him so late. But you didn’t think it really would.
“Oh! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.” Before he couple say anything, you hung up. As tears started to run down your face, you came to a realization. If you ever wanted him to love you, you needed to change. To become the kind of girl he likes.
If I was dancing on the tables
Buying rounds ‘til the dawn
Is that wild enough, wild enough
Wild enough for you?
Talking dirty in the bedroom
Be the one to start a fight
Would that be wild enough
Wild enough for you?
The next time Dean came around, saying you got his attention was an understatement. You were acting different. You were dressing different. You were trying to dress like the girls you always saw Dean ogling at. Tight shirts, short shorts, even shorter dresses. You had never felt so uncomfortable in your life, but when you saw the way Dean looked at you, it made it worth it. His gaze stayed on you a little longer than usual, he didn’t hide the fact that he was trying to be around you more. One of the nights he was there, he even invited you out to the local bar.
“I thought this was supposed to be a challenge?” You asked Dean with a smirk after slamming down what felt like the hundredth shot that night. You weren’t going to lie, you were drunk and you hated the taste every single thing he bought you, but you’d be damned if you showed that.
“Damn, you’ve been holding back on me.” Dean laughed taking a small sip of his drink.
“Something like that.” You grumbled to yourself peaking over at the dance floor. You couldn’t dance, but you were drunk so that gave you a pass, right? “We should dance!”
Dean looked at you like you were crazy, “Come again?”
“Let’s dance!” You jumped up grabbing his arm. “Please Dean, it’ll be fun!”
“Sorry to break it to ya sweetheart, but I don’t dance.”
Rolling your eyes, you began to get mad. You did not go through all this just for him to say no. “So you’re just going to let me go out there alone, dressed like this, surrounded by all those guys?” You motioned to your outfit as you spoke. Sadly a small black sundress was the only revealing thing you owned, but it did its job.
“You’re evil you know that?” Dean smirked at you as he got up and followed you to the dance floor. You spent a good twenty minutes swaying your hips to the music before Dean left you to go to the restroom. He was worried about leaving you out there, he had been watching all the men around watching you. But he was not about to piss himself over a little paranoia.
Dean didn’t plan on taking as long as he did, but the bartender had other plans for him. As he walked back out of the bathroom and towards where you were, he saw the last thing he ever wanted to see.
There you stood, drunk off your ass dancing away. And although that didn’t bother him, it was the men around you and their greedy little hands that set him over the edge. Rushing over to you, he carefully grabbed you off the table before anyone else could touch you.
“Touch her again and I’ll kill you.” Dean growled as he began dragging you out of the bar. “What the hell were you thinking?”
“You were taking too long and it looked fun.” You giggled as he pushed you into the impala.
“That’s fun to you? Acting like some whore?” He snapped as he started off down the road towards your house.
“A whore? Are you serious?” You were beyond pissed now, you were his perfect girl and it still wasn’t good enough. “I’m doing all of this for you!”
Dean scoffed ignoring you. He thought you were just drunk, saying stupid things because you were out of it. You didn’t say another word the entire way home. You just wanted to go lay in your bed and pretend like none of it ever happened.
“Dean please just calm down.” You said softly as he grabbed you out of the impala again, but this time in his arms.
“All of this was a bad idea.” He grumbled, “The drinking, the dancing, taking you to the bar in the first place.”
“It wasn’t a bad idea!” You exclaimed, “We had fun, it was fun!” It was almost like you were trying to convince yourself. It was awful, you hated almost everything about tonight.
“I get what you were trying to do, but you got to stop.” Dean laid you down on your bed and sat down next you.
“Why?” You didn’t even try to hide to desperation in your voice, you didn’t care to.
“Sweetheart, I know you don’t think I have, but I’ve noticed what you’ve been doing.” Dean started, staring down at you. You could see the pity in his eyes and that just made you feel worse. “I’ve noticed how you’ve been changing, all the things you’ve been doing to get my attention.”
“It was working! Come on just give me another chance! I can be like them Dean, I can do what they do.” You attempted to get up, but he pushed you lightly back down. Looking down at you sadly, he ran a hand through your hair.
“I don’t want you to be like them. I want you to be you.” The two of you stared at each other for a while before the tears in your eyes finally started to fall.
“Why won’t you love me?” You whispered as you slowly dozed off staring at him.
“You have no idea sweetheart.”
To your major
I’m minor
Breaking every single chord you play
I’m sweet wine but you want whiskey
I wish I could be strong enough
That was the last time you saw Dean for another year and a half. He never visited and he made sure to never call and you didn’t even know why. When you woke up after that night you didn’t remember anything that happened. Which to be honest, was probably a good thing. Deep down you knew he was avoiding you, but you kept telling yourself that he was busy, that his dad was just sending him on more cases than usual.
“Y/n, Come here!” Your father, Bobby called from the kitchen. “The boys are here honey, why don’t you go help them bring their things in.”
The Winchester’s had come to visit a couple times this year, but this time was important to you. Dean was coming with, you hadn’t seen him in almost two years. Something always got in the way, whether it was a case or another hunter needed help and John sent him. This time though you made John promise that Dean would be there.
“Hey Sammy.” You greeted the giant seventeen year old. Sam Winchester was your best friend. In the beginning, it didn’t take long to realize that you were two were going to get along. You both enjoyed the same things and had all the same interests. Whether it was a book series or games or movies. He was the person you always went to with your problems, he was the only one you told about your feelings for Dean.
“Hey Y/n/n.” The boy gave you a quick hug and a sad smile before walking to grab his bag. That confused you, he was always excited when he came to visit. Blowing it off, you went to greet John, who wore the same sad smile. Looking around, your heart dropped as your realized what was wrong. Dean wasn’t there.
“Hey kiddo.” John came over wrapping you up in his arms. The man knew your feelings for his eldest son. You weren’t exactly subtle when it came to Dean. You only ever asked about him, if he was okay, was he coming to visit, where he was.
“He working a case?” You asked as John let you go and walked to unpack the truck.
“Yeah right,” Sam growled under his breath. “He bailed to go see some chick in Illinois.”
“Samuel!” John scolded his son. He knew you were already sad enough, there was no need to make it worse.
“It’s alright John.” You faked a smile to make him feel better. You could tell he felt bad. “Sammy and I can have just as much fun without him, right Sam?”
Hours later, after a very interesting dinner and some board games with Sam, you found yourself lying in bed staring at the ceiling. The night was fun, more fun than you had in a long time. Dinner was hilarious and the board games were even more so, but you couldn’t help but feel…sad? You weren’t sure what you were feeling. A mix of everything. Sadness, guilt, disappointment. You had been waiting so long to see Dean, you didn’t know what to do now that he wasn’t.
Dean really didn’t want anything to do with you. The longer you sat and thought, the more you began to realize that. He never tried to contact you, ever. And it wasn’t like he just didn’t want to talk to anyone. You could hear him talking to Bobby at least once a week.
The sound of your phone ringing was what finally brought you out of your thoughts. You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at whoever thought it was a good idea to call at two in the morning.
“Hello?” You grumbled falling back on your pillow.
“Hey sweetheart, heard you missed me?” The sound of his voice sent a feeling of panic through you. You had been waiting to talk to him for a long time. Planning everything you wanted to say and yell. And now that the time was here, it was like you forgot everything you wanted to say.
“Now before you get mad, I need you to liste-“
It didn’t take long before you got your voice back, and began interrogating him. “I’m not mad, I just want to know what’s been going on. Where have you been? Why haven’t you been answering?”
“What do I mean?! Dean why haven’t you been answering my calls or my texts? What happened?” You began to get angry, your voice rising with each word you spoke.
“You don’t remember.” Dean muttered to himself. You tried to calm down, there was no reason to get angry.
“You’re talking about the night at the bar? What happened that night?” You were practically begging to know.
“Um, nothing. Nothing happened.”
“Dean Winchester, I swear to god…what the hell happened that night?”
“Nothing Y/n, honestly. It was just a funny night.” You knew Dean was lying. You knew something happened that night, but it wasn’t worth causing more drama by calling him out on it. “I just called to say I’m sorry, I’ve been really busy.”
Dean was silent, he could tell by your tone that someone had told you where he was. Knowing it was probably Sam trying to get back at him, he cursed to himself. “I’m sorry Y/n, I just thought you wouldn’t mind waiting a little longer to see me.”
“Yeah Dean, its fine. I’m just glad you’re okay.” Deep down, you wanted to yell and scream at him and tell him how much he hurt you, but you couldn’t. As much as you wanted to, you couldn’t risk losing him.
Yeah, I bet you fantasize about somebody else
Someone that would fulfill your needs
After that phone call, you and Dean called and talked all night, every night until he came to visit again. It was the best week you had in a long time. Happiest you’ve been in a long time and you were pretty sure Dean could tell. But you couldn’t help but think about the girl from Illinois. As far as you knew, you were the only girl Dean had ever went out of the way to see and knowing he did it for someone else, made you feel funny. You knew what jealousy felt like, but this was different. You felt…defeated. Broken.
You genuinely thought that the night you called Dean and he was with someone would be the worst night of your life, you were wrong. After an hour of laying on the couch, staring at the ceiling listing to Dean go on and on about Lisa, this was officially the worst time of your life.
“She’s amazing. Y/n you don’t understand, she perfect in like every way, and don’t even get me started on the sex.” Dean smirked, thinking back to the two weeks he spent with Lisa. You genuinely didn’t think that anything could hurt worse than past situations involving Dean, but god were you wrong. Every time he would rant and rave about something else about her, you would realize it was something that you did or something you had. And somehow, during the hour that you had laid and listened to him, you couldn’t figure out, if you have everything she does, why was she so much better than you. Why did he like her more, “You just don’t understand Y/n, you’ve never been in love.”
And that’s when you lost it.
“Oh shut the hell up! I’ve been in love.” You yelled, shooting up off the couch ready to take his head off if it came to it.
“Oh yea, who?” Dean challenged you with a smirk. He knew exactly who it was, he just wanted to hear what bull you came up with this time.
“You! I’m in love with you!” You couldn’t hold it in anymore and as terrifying as it was to finally say it, it was so relieving. It felt like a thousand pounds had finally been lifted off your shoulders.
Dean froze. He thought you’d never say it, sure he knew it. He’s known it since almost the very beginning, but to actually hear you say it…it was different.
“I’ve been in love with you since I was sixteen years old and I am done!” Taking a step closer to him you could feel all the anger and all the sadness from everything you’ve put yourself through because of him start to surface. “I am done waiting for you. I am done sitting around and waiting for you to love me back. For four years, I have sat in this house thinking of every possible way to make you love me. I have changed myself in the worse ways possible, I have made me HATE myself just so I could be the kind of girl you would love. And you know what I got? I got hours of listening to you rant and rave about a different girl every other day. I got months of just wishing and crying that maybe this time he’ll call me, maybe this time he’ll want to see me, but no. You only call and you only come to visit when you’re lonely or you’re bored and can’t find some girl pathetic enough to spend time with you.”
“NO!” You yelled finally done with his shit. “I am done. I am done being the girl that waits for you. I am done being the girl that changes herself for someone else. It might be hard, but I don’t care. I am better than this, I deserve better. I deserve someone who will love me back, someone who will love me for who I am.”
“Y/n I do love you…I didn’t want you in this life. I wanted to keep you safe.” Dean tried to speak, tried to make you understand, and although it shocked the hell out of you, you couldn’t find yourself to care.
“You could have told me that. But instead you left me alone, you made the decision to not say anything. I know it’s going to be hard, but I deserve better. I might be in love with you, but I am done Dean Winchester.”
But I bet it’s never been this good with anyone else
There is so much you haven’t seen in me
Ever since you were younger, you knew your life was different from everyone around you. You weren’t allowed to go play at parks, or have sleepovers, and you definitely were allowed to have friends over to your house. You knew that since your mother passed, your dad had always been scared of something. You didn’t know what that something was until you were fourteen and a demon tried to take you from your dad. You still don’t know why he wanted you, what he was going to do to you, but from then on, part of you understood why you were hardly allowed to leave the house.
But something changed after your argument with Dean. You didn’t want the life that everyone around you had. You wanted to be able to make friends, go to school, get a real job! All the things your dad kept you from doing for your “safety”. You no longer had anything holding you back. You knew your dad would be here whenever you wanted to come back, whether that was for a visit or to stay forever.
And although your dad was terrified, he wanted you to have the most “normal” life you could. He didn’t want to see you sulking on his living room couch anymore. He was ready for the end of the day phone calls he always got from the boys, he was ready for the Sunday dinners, and even the boyfriends, and hopefully one day, a family of your own. He wanted all that for you.
It only took six months for you to get on your feet. You got a small apartment in the heart of Sioux Falls, a decent paying job at the diner in town. You were even registered for classes at the local college. You didn’t know what you wanted to do entirely, but you knew you wanted to help people. And so more or less, you were ready for whatever life had in store for you next. You were ready to move on…no matter how much you missed him.
