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[josiesobergirl2016-blog]

Day 37

Day 37.  Rainy again today. I feel that heaviness that I always associate with early sobriety. Kind of like a thick blanket on my brain. Not unpleasant. When I was sober those 12 years, I’d consider this to be depression. Four kids to think of, a business to run, a husband – sweet man that he was – that simply didn’t know how to talk to me. Or anyone. An introvert to the nth degree. What shocks me even now is how few tools I had to deal with those heavy days. And so the days turned into months and once even turned into a year. I spent almost an entire year in bed. Getting up just when I absolutely had to. That was when I was sober five years.

Last night I went to my women’s meeting. There must be 75 women every week! I shared that I was recently back in the program but that I once had 12 years of sobriety. I left out the other two times I came in and out. Just so confusing! Anyway, a woman came up to me afterwards and said she, too, had relapsed after a long time sober. When she came back, her sponsor offered her a prayer to help her forgive herself and she offered it to me. It’s called The Set Aside Prayer.

God,

Please help me set aside

everything I think I know

about myself, my disease,

the 12 steps, and especially You;

So I may have an open mind

and a new experience

of all these things.

Please let me see the truth.

I think in the New Testament it says that you have to become like a child again in order to understand God’s Kingdom. A Course In Miracles has a similar message, although it takes you through hundreds of meditations to get there! In A Course in Miracles, they talk about being either awake or asleep (dreaming). And they suggest you might try acting as if everyone else is awake and you are the one asleep. I think that is so that you might really listen.

During the last time I was sober, I had a lovely sponsor- I’ll call her Stephanie. She was with me when I returned to AA after 11 years and was there for me after I relapsed for a year. The second go-around with her, she suggested I not share in meeting for 3 months and instead only listen.

Listen, listen. If I could shut off the voices in my head, it would certainly help. A new thought: An open mind has many doors. So the voices can come in and go out.

I’m supposed to pick up Sheila after court today. We’ll see if she cancels. I no longer think she is avoiding me. I can tell she is at the mercy of the system. I don’t know what exactly she did to land in this position. It looks like she’s not going to be living at home with her husband and children, though. I am so lucky I had those 12 years of sobriety between the ages of 32 and 44. The years I was mostly raising my children. Because eventually, I would have been arrested for DUI or worse.

Last night a woman shared that she has to turn herself in to the authorities and go to jail for 4-5 years. I guess she’s out on temporary bail. I can tell she’s been sober awhile and everyone knows and loves her.  She said she’s calm but scared. Her family lives in Canada and there was the option of simply fleeing and avoiding the jail sentence. But she decided that she must do the time, she drove drunk and… and what? What else happened? I don’t know and it’s really not my business. At the end of the meeting we all hold hands and recite The Lord’s Prayer. The chairperson asked this woman to “take us out”, meaning she starts the prayer. I really will never forget this.

Josie M., 01/06/2016