#seriallysingle

[annoyinglyfriedheart-blog]

This is my therapy blog..

The harder I try, the harder I fail. I’ve just ruined a relationship with another guy by asking for answers. 

Or was it already over? I can’t tell and I don’t know how to.

The older I get the more disillusioned I get. Maybe love is just not for me. 

This time (like every other time I guess) I was so very convinced I’d found him. 

Three of the most perfect dates. I’d even told him that I wasn’t looking to simply hookup and his interest hadn’t waned. I’m on to something here for sure, I thought.

Over the weeks, we texted, talked on the phone, texted a little less, talked on the phone a little less too. It was over the holidays though. I was convinced he was just busy. 

I even ignored those pictures that showed up on facebook. Was that really someone he’s seeing. No way. I don’t think so. He wouldn’t be saying all those cute things to me if it were. 

The calls and texts are getting fewer and farther apart. I decide to drop it. At least I think I do. But when he texts after a few days of silence, I respond right away. Agreeing to dinner instead of brunch. Rushing home from a busy day so I could get ready for that dinner. I shaved and showered and blow dryed my hair.

That kiss when he picked me up took my breath away. Reapplied my lipstick and went out for a great dinner. It was great. I mean he did flirt with the waitress a little. And did he just insinuate that he was paying me to laugh at his jokes? Should I be offended. I’m just still so carried away.

The sex. The sex was frantic and fast and passionate and rough. Did I mention we cuddled through the night? Yes. All night. How do I know? I obviously can’t sleep with a heat of a thousand suns surrounding me. But I don’t want him to let go. It feels so good, skin on skin. Sweaty skin on skin, but skin on skin nonetheless. 

Round two in the middle of the night? Yes, that was rough and fast and exciting. Wait, he isn’t using a condom. I let it pass. Yes. I know. He pulled out though. But that’s not the point right?

More cuddles and kisses through the night. This feels great. As we wake up in the morning, I say it out loud “I love waking up like this” I say. Silence. Nothing at all. I ignore it as he holds me tighter. That’s my answer right? He just doesn’t want to say it out loud. He is holding me so close and so tight right? Don’t fight it. You can get your answers on Sunday when you go to brunch. You did tell him you were looking for something long term. He’s here, so he must want it too right. Um, did he just promise to build furniture for you. Wow. 

(to be continued.. )

[safeword4]

Serially Single

I’ve pretty much always been the token single, “fun” friend. Before this year, I never dated anyone long enough to be called a boyfriend. I’m sure there is psychological shizzle* that’s pent up in my past and attributes to this serious commitment aversion. Or it could be that from a very young age my mother implored my sister and I never to “settle” – in fact, there’s a very specific line in the often-forgotten Disney film, Pocahontas, that my mom said a guy I married should feel:  

Now, in 1995 my mom didn't foresee the dating weather patterns of the millennial generation. So I took my mom's advice and those Mel Gibson-voiced John Smith words to heart. It’s been in the last couple years that I’ve come to realize how poorly I misconstrued my mom’s sentiment. Side note, remember it was the mid-90s and Mel was the MAN in the kilt  - way before crazy Mel, so hold off judgement.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in settling on the one you spend the rest of your life with. But I used to believe I had to make sure a boy I could consider a boyfriend (and not a Hit It 'N Quit It** situation) was as close to “the One” as possible. And I let a lot of amazing & infuriating dating/boyfriend experiences slip away because of this.

Now, in my mid-twenties, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s okay to date someone for a while and not have it turn into the guy you end up with. It's also okay to go into dating him with the mind-set, “eh, probably not the “one” but I’m having fun and I’m learning about myself in the process, so what’s the harm?”  It’s fine to meander in that dating dance for 3 months of your time or even 7 months in my case. And it's ok to let yourself be sad when things end almost exactly as you knew they would.

Maybe if I was at a different point in my life I’d feel differently, but this is my present state of mind.  And I’m sure many would disagree with this notion, but I think that while you’re young and learning about yourself – why not share your life with your friends & family, and while you're at it, why not take that chance on a significant other; someone you care about, even if it’s just for fleeting moments. Because it’s also my opinion that everything happens for a reason and the greatest learning opportunities you gain from those other guys are leading up to that guy who might just put his head on that rock for you. And you might just save him right back.

Full Disclosure: I know my last line just sounded like I was SO trying to be a Carrie voice-over from the final seconds of a SATC*** episode. AND I know that the Disney Pocahontas film is about 12% historically accurate. But c’mon, don’t kill the dream. Also, for those of you who are chomping at the bit to hear how that Marine Wedding went, it was an amazing time with friends & the bride and groom were exceedingly happy. No single marines (what is up with that, BTDUBS****)?

BUT, guess who caught the bouquet? And by “caught” I mean picked it up after 3 long, awkward seconds when it landed on the ground next to me. Especially awkward after I didn’t attempt to catch it when it was thrown in my direction to begin with. AND NO ONE ELSE WANTED IT EITHER. It’s got to be a millennial thing.

*shizzle = The “S” Cuss Word.

**Hit It 'N Quit It = Self-Explanatory. DUH. When you flirt with a guy and go on dates for two weeks and then you stop answering his texts without any explanation. Get your mind out of the gutter.

*** SATC = Sex and the City. Maybe we should make a drinking game of how many abbreviations I can come up with in a post.

**** BTDUBS = by the way.