✩ * º ; ❛ CAUGHT IN A LIE. ❜
it was like travis had some kind of amber alert for when seungyoon was actually doing well. because, like clockwork, he would barge through the door of their shared dorm with the proposition of a party on his tongue, always an offer he couldn’t refuse even if he wanted to.
“bro,” and that was the end of yoonie’s phase of minor happiness, he accepted it right as the word ringed in his ear, “chase is at barstow right now and he says the shit is banging.”
travis proceeded to strip almost completely naked, changing into a more appropriate t-shirt and jeans combo, as if that meant anything to either of them.
realistically, yoonie could’ve claimed he had an assignment, could’ve switched to the photoshop window he had open and pretended like he actually had to retouch adelaide.
he was weak, though. he agreed to go without a fight, following his roommate out. they met up with a few of their other friends, jeremy, blake, and dylan, who all greeted him more aggressively than the last. why can’t they just say ‘hey, yoonie’ like normal fucking people? he thought to himself, but it flew from his mind as quick as it came to him.
“someone said julia’s gonna be there,” blake chirped up as they walked. “i’m gonna shoot my shot, my brothas.”
jeremy scoffed from beside him, and yoonie watched from his vantage point behind them as he shoved blake (who went flying into one of the trees lining waterman street) and said, “she doesn’t like white guys, i’m telling you.”
the boy retaliated with a shove. jeremy barely budged. “you don’t know that,” he said, glaring.
“yeah, but yoonie does,” the other retorted, chuckling to himself as he gestured back to the boy in question.
seungyoon looked up at them, grimaced, and shook his head. “you know what?” he said, resignation in his voice. “i’ll ignore her the whole night so you guys can have your chance.”
“c’mon, dude, the only reason you go to parties is to get laid,” dylan said from behind him.
yoonie grimaced again, shook his head again. “this is exactly your guys’s problem,” his friends stared at him, waiting for an explanation, “you think there’s only one girl at any given party who i can hook up with.”
they all hooted and hollered but they came upon barstow house quickly (as it was just down the street), and entered the thick of the party like seasoned vets. there were already a collection of people spilling from the front door onto the porch. two girls were already being made into a spectacle, sloppily kissing while an audience of guys cheered them on.
seungyoon immediately went for a beer, trying to wash the image from his memory, apologizing to the little adelaide in his head (she was his second conscience, when his first one went out of commission).
“julia fucking bennett,” he heard beside him. he glanced over and travis looked like he was about ready to lay down gifts at the feet of a goddess. yoonie didn’t even search for the ‘goddess’ he was staring at, he knew what she looked like, just jabbed an elbow into his friend’s arm, telling him to go for it before those other assholes steal your chance.
the guilt started even before his second drink, so he went for something stronger. he even let himself be coaxed into a tequila shot, chasing it with more burning alcohol, trying to sanitize himself from the inside out.
we raised you to be a good girl and you turned out like this, he remembered his mother saying to his sister when she came out, fucking poisoned by the devil.
he wanted to get the poison, those thoughts, his mother, min, min, min, out of his head, so he took another shot. they never tell you that sometimes tequila tastes like holy water if you need it to.
“if it isn’t seungyoon choi.”
the voice was sugary sweet. he could already taste the mike’s hard.
“tatiana,” he said, turning to face the girl without thinking, smirk equipped.
she was one of the prettier ones, had bright blue eyes and blond hair and a whole mess of freckles, a constant aroma of vanilla. she tasted the best, too.
“i’ve heard you’ve already got a photograph in the end of the year exhibition,” she said, and he squinted through his smile, wondering where the fuck she heard that. “it’s pretty unfounded for a freshman.”
“i guess,” he responded, scratching the back of his neck.
“i’m assuming it was of that girl who’s all over your instagram,” tatiana said, sounding like she was only half joking in her very obvious jealousy. “i think i saw her somewhere around here.”
this sobered him up quite a bit, the mention of adelaide bringing him from his previous thoughts, which were almost exclusively how quickly can i get her to shut up about me and if i just kiss her right now, what are the odds she just lets me take her home right now. it was a reality check, and one that would usually encourage him to be on his best behavior.
usually, he was sober. and he wasn’t sad, not like this.
“whatever,” was all he got out before he was pulling the blonde towards him, kissing her like he knew she liked it, hard and fast. she was so easy to make compliant, and they found an open bedroom fast, considering the party had only been going on for a few hours and guys (like travis) were still out there trying to get a girl to even notice them.
yoonie didn’t even have to tell tatiana what to do, she was already glowing with arousal as she dropped to her knees and began her ministrations.
how does that even happen?
how do she not even notice how little i care about her?
she was one of those girls who probably convinced themselves that sex was a loving thing, that she was the most important person yoonie had had around him that week.
the thoughts of min were a lot more abrasive than the boy himself was. it was like he couldn’t catch a break, even with his face buried between some girl’s legs.
he stopped breathing through his nose long enough to make himself see stars, forcing his mind to stop racing. it didn’t even matter though, tatiana was still writhing above him and nearly ripping his hair out with her fucking thrashing. the sounds people made during sex were supposed to be hot, were supposed to be encouraging, but yoonie had never been more tempted to cover a girl’s mouth with his hand than in that moment.
he was doing well. that is, until tatiana murmured some unintelligible words into his ear and rolled over, hiding her face from view.
it was so easy, the opportunity to play pretend. he was a creative person, all he had to do was squint and min was there with him. under him.
it was easy to block out her annoying noises when he was somewhere else, with someone else, and he didn’t even care that someone was rapping at the door and yelling at them from outside, because min felt so much warmer than tatiana did.
he braced a hand in her hair and tugged a little, but instead of the squawk that the movement elicited in reality, min fucking mewled. he groaned, the semblance of guilt that had been eating away at him now being the only thing pushing him forward.
maybe it was how disgusting he felt afterwards that made it right.
“wow, yoonie,” the voice next to him sounded like min for so long that he almost leaned into it. he closed his eyes, system reboot.
he ignored her, ignored the adelaide in his head, ignored the thoughts telling him if this was supposed to be sanitizing, why do i feel so fucking filthy. he got up and put his clothes back on, not sparing another word towards the blonde.
he looked like a dead man walking, floating outside up above his body.
his body on earth rammed into something barely solid that he figured was a piece of furniture until it grabbed him and shook his shoulders, trying to snap him out of it. big, brown eyes were staring up at him and they were so familiar, he could swim in them.
“yoonie, what did you do?”
“it’s okay, nugget, it’s not like i did heroine.”
adelaide was already doting on him, pulling him through the party. everything around him was slow motion except his friend beside him, who looked like she was on fire (and it didn’t even have anything to do with her newly minted red hair). once they were on the sidewalk, a safe distance from the party, she let him go.
he collapsed back against a tree, sliding down in fear of walking, in fear of standing, in fear of existing.
“i’m only gonna ask you one more time,” she said to him, with that voice, the one that also existed in his head. “what did you do?”
“the better question would be who,” he retorted, bitterly.
adelaide just sighed, joined him on the ground. even if he was out of commission from the neck up, he felt his fingers twitch at the urge to photograph the concern painted on her face. she masqueraded around in worry, barely looked like herself, whereas other emotions looked like they belonged on her face.
they sat like that a while, her worried, him numb.
“jesus christ,” he let out, and his mind filled with min as he snapped out of his daze, which immediately made him wanna go back. tears pricked at his eyes and once one dared to fall across his cheek, adelaide was sweeping it away as if she had been waiting for it. “i really like him, don’t i?”
his best friend stared at him and he knew he shouldn’t expect an answer, but he wants her to explain how this happened, wanted to understand why it had to be now, here.
“like, for real, this time,” he supplied.
adelaide nodded because she couldn’t say anything else.
shaking his head, seungyoon just let himself be angry, be sad, be soft. the cold was biting his skin but it couldn’t be worse than his brain.
“you gotta dig yourself out of this hole. you can’t let yourself get buried in these lies.”
he set his eyes on her, and she didn’t hesitate away like most people did, brown eyes just as insistent as they responded to him.
“i know.”