Double Negative
I wrote a fic for the Helluva Aroace week on bluesky!
Growing up with parents- and a social class- that didn't show much open affection, beta Octavia always figured that not feeling fluttery, gushy emotions about other people was pretty normal.
Then, she's pulled into the orbit of Blitz's pack as her father begins dating him, and realizes that might not be the case... but also that normal can be relative.
Wordcount: 3158
Warnings: None
Ao3 link
Octavia was glad that she was a beta.
It wasn't a particularly common viewpoint, among the Goetia. There were of course betas scattered among them like there were everywhere else in Hell, but even though those that were of the 'negative' designation tended to consider themselves the most rational thinkers, unbiased by extreme hormonal fluctuations and that time of the every-few-months, having a solid role chosen for you by fate was desirable in the long run for deciding how you were meant to benefit the Goetia as a whole… and they hadn't been gifted one.
Her uncle (the one on her mother's side, she never got to know many of her father's siblings particularly well) was a beta, the same as her. He leaned on being clever and proper and told her that it made them both special, let them think with their brains and not their legs, but she could hear the way his voice lilted a little when waxing about people 'having to waste so much time' on cycles. There was a little too much bitterness and jealousy there, even if it was smothered in haughtiness. His omega sister had gotten to marry and have a kid, after all, and he hadn't, even if he had once told her that being her uncle was plenty enough for him.
Octavia, however… didn't mind it. The concept of having to fully lose her thoughts, her sense of being, for a full day every few months, was unnerving and unreal.
When she was young, a year or so before the ceremony of announcing, Mum had pushed little boys at her during parties, cooing about how well they matched, how they might get to be together one day after they were designated. It made some of the boys flush as they looked over to her and the puffy dress her mother had insisted upon, but the bubbling in her belly didn't seem like the heat in the stories her father read to her in bed. It just felt like her stomach was eating itself, acid instead of fire at the thought of being held for too long by someone other than family.
Mum doted, sometimes for themselves for dinner and the like, but often when it would make their family-pack look good. She insisted that it would reflect badly on herself if they weren't in tip-top shape. What would people think of her for not making her family presentable, and of her father for not being able to present an image of strength and in control? (The usage of the second reason faded as Via got older, and it seemed like every time Mum had a problem with Dad, it was due to him not living up to the image that he was supposed to be, a perfect alpha who let her have everything she wanted and took care of everything she didn't.)
Mum said that too much coddling, too many bedtime stories with funny voices or piggyback rides, might spoil her. What she did should have been enough as she puffed up Octavia's dress sleeves and ran her fingers through her hair. Still, Dad had let Octavia rest in his lap as he did work, or pecked kisses on her forehead before bed, and it seemed normal enough to her, the way he carried her as easily as his hat or his cape.
Her father seemed to prefer to suppress his ruts, only disappearing once a year or so for long enough to hear it from the servants when Octavia asked where he was, and her mother spent so much time out of the house visiting various friends, it was difficult to know how she handled her heats. If any of them were spent together, it wasn't long enough for Octavia to tell. They seemed like an inconvenience, after you'd had the child that you wanted, biology trying to wring you out for more than you were willing to give. When she presented at twelve, Dad told her that it didn't really matter, that he would love and teach her the all same, and he seemed sincere about it.
Cycles and mating and hormones must be one of those adult things, she decided, where they pretended something was fun and important to their children and to each other to save face or to tell good stories, but it was really a bit annoying and took up precious time that could be better devoted to something else. Everything she had seen of other members of the Goetia only served to confirm it- everyone had a role to be carried out, nothing more, nothing less. Love was in the steadiness of staying, of making a life together after being bound with each other.
Then, her father met him.
He was every bit the stereotype of an obnoxious overcompensating alpha that she'd seen in books and movies. Loud, stinky enough with pheromones that even she could smell it with her admittedly not-great nose, violent, and horny. She wished desperately she could have avoided at least the last one, but somehow, it had rubbed off on her father despite a lifetime of being told that leaning on baser instincts outside of mating or upholding tradition was unbecoming.
Octavia's entire life, it had been easy to avoid thinking about him wanting that sort of thing. He'd had her with Mum, and then seemed perfectly content avoiding the matter whenever possible in reality, only indulging in romance books and soap operas that kept it solely to the realms of fiction. But the imp had turned him inside out, and the world tilted on its axis.
They shared a rut. Via could feel it in the way his magic pulsed and purred, how his feathers were preened differently after being puffed up. She could also see how he seemed… both more relaxed and more giddy, in the days after. He laughed easier, even at things that weren't funny. He sang louder when gardening. He had the idea to look over her schoolwork under the big tree for the fresh air, and smiled even when he made corrections before offering to take her to the mall.
It didn't make any sense.
Why was this different? Why did Dad let it happen? Why did it make him…
Alphas weren't supposed to be with other alphas, not in the world she knew. Even if designations seemed like they were a part of life best left to the side after they fulfilled their purpose, they followed deep biological rules carved far deeper than a few extra hugs. Alphas mated with omegas to have babies. Two alphas could have mutual respect or bristle at each other, but having an omega available and choosing another alpha instead, and an imp no less…
Why did this have to be one of the rules he bent, when it was supposed to be the strongest of all of them, the one burned into their bodies and dictating the curve of fate for those who carried it?
Was he just lashing out at Mum? It had upset her, certainly. But that didn't explain the way his magic had lightened, the way he stood a little straighter, spoke a little louder. If anything, he was acting the way people had always told her he should be. He was too quiet, before, too bookish, too anti-social. Too much like her, and her too much like him. But this wasn't something where she could follow his line, and the thread between them was fraying even as he tried to pull her into his orbit again, take her with the comet that was intent on setting her life on fire.
And then.
And then.
The imp turned out to be an omega. A liar, on top of everything else, but at least it helped things make a little more sense. But only a little.
Her father stayed with him, somehow.
Life went on, somehow.
Days trickled into weeks trickled into months, and Blitz began to integrate himself into her life. She saw him in the kitchen drinking coffee or making breakfast in the morning, and nibbling on snacks late at night. He was in the pool splashing around, or in the TV room asking questions about the plot lines of the soap operas, or listening to Dad read in the library with kicking feet and a swaying tail.
He offered her the pancakes he was making, and a little stuffed horse version of herself, and then a pile of bones and some feathers from a bird he apparently saw topside that had an admittedly pretty pattern. He called her Via, and when she told him that was for family only, he called her sweetie and said he'd do his best to earn it someday.
He was still loud, and annoying, but… he seemed to make her father happy, and he seemed to be trying, remembering things she liked and including her in food or conversation.
The divorce proceeded. The world kept turning. Bit by bit, she adjusted.
She met Blitz's employees.
Loona, his adopted daughter, she'd liked. She was interesting and did things like go to parties and concerts that had real modern dancing and real modern music, instead of the meticulously arranged music and traditional dances of the Goetia. Even though a few months in Loona admitted that the whole 'party' thing going well was pretty recent, it still counted in Octavia's opinion. She was an omega like Blitz was, but that didn't really matter by that point. Maybe all lower-class omegas had some growl and bite to them, not quite as honey-sweet and whimpering as in the stories because their trust had to be earned properly first.
No, Loona was fine. The problem, after she'd started to adjust to Blitz, was the other two. Millie and Moxxie.
It wasn't that they were particularly annoying, although it did take time to get used to the noise contained within the small office walls as they all bounced off each other. No, it was that they were both betas, they were both clearly infatuated with each other, and they were prone to kissing so often that even the sporadic days Octavia came to drop something off or talk to Loona, she saw it on multiple occasions in a span of just a few weeks.
Why? Why were they acting so much like a newly mated pair, without the intensity of alpha or omega hormones to drive them?
Omega heats spurred alphas into rutting, or ruts drew out heats. Simple cause and effect. Betas could have children, but that wasn't something the two of them seemed to be planning for, or at least she hoped that they weren't actively trying to conceive while in their work office. No, they seemed to be simply kissing just because they wanted to. All the time. Just because they could.
It was bizarre.
Really, though, all of them were far, far more physically affectionate than she was used to.
Blitz and Loona, she could rationalize. A pair of omegas bonded in a pack together. He often nuzzled close to her and pecked kisses on her cheek when he could reach it, or hugged her side when he just happened to be close. It was a little gross, but even though Loona made slight protests, she didn't seem to really mind. She'd been adopted several years ago, so they'd had time to get used to each other, which probably meant that embarrassing dad-kisses and hugs were something that was universal but ramped up by the omega thing.
The itch that kept catching in her brain was that the other two were just as bad, and they didn't have those instinctive hormones, or a family bond to use as an excuse. Their tails curled halfway into knots, and they were almost constantly in each other's laps even while on break. There was constant teasing and flirting, for no apparent reason at all.
She knew beta couples existed, of course. But the fact that their physical affection nearly equaled the sappy, horny gooiness that she'd always seen in movies between alphas and omegas, and recently between Blitz and Dad…
Maybe it was the fact that they were imps, and imps were just wired differently. But being in the middle of it all, sitting on a towel on the shores of one of the Gluttony beaches as Blitz insisted that one 'family fun day' would include all six of them… she could look out and see dozens of couples of all shapes and sizes getting just as close to each other, and found herself shrinking in her seat, pulling her cover-up tighter around herself.
It had been easy to simply assume it was due to her designation. Betas were less likely to be married, so the lack of interest was convenient, and gave her more time to focus on her passions. Why bother fussing about something that wasn't meant to be? She grew up seeing demons contorted into roles stiffer than corsets, with any debauchery shuffled behind closed doors and kept to the realms of gossip. There was an air of fantasy to the whole thing, something a step removed from the reality that she lived in and the body that she inhabited. It existed, but it didn't affect her, a bubble she hadn't realized that she'd floated in until it popped.
"So, you like anybody?"
Loona was sipping at a smoothie as she posed the question.
"Um."
"You don't have to tell me if it's private or whatever, I'm just kinda curious how that all goes with you guys since you haven't mentioned anyone before."
"I… don't think so?" She tried to trace her brain over her peers from the glances of conversations she'd had at parties, but they all slipped away like grains of sand through an hourglass, childhood running out as she rounded towards her eighteenth birthday. "Did you like somebody when you were my age?"
"I liked the looks of a couple people." Loona considered for a moment. "I was dealing with a lot of shit when I was your age, so not really, but hormones can be a bitch, beta or no. Good for you though, shit's kinda confusing sometimes. Might as well focus on other stuff while you've got the chance." She shrugged. "You want to come over to Russ's on Friday to listen to the new album?"
It had ended there, but the question had stuck in the back of her throat, especially after Gigi, another beta, had mentioned a previous girlfriend from when she'd been sixteen, and the other two didn't react to the idea as unusual at all.
Was that supposed to be normal?
Tentatively, she passed the question along to her father.
"When did you first realize you liked someone?"
He sputtered into his tea, droplets decorating his facial plate before he wiped his beak and cleared his throat.
"Oh, ah, was there a reason you ask?"
"I'm just curious, that's… that's all."
"Ah. Well. Hmm." He tapped his chin. "I was… well, I can pin it down to the day, actually! It was my twelfth birthday. Your grandfather took me to the circus to celebrate, and I saw the most delightful clown, and… I felt my face flush and my heart stutter. I've told you when I met Blitz before, I suppose it really was fate and some part of me knew…"
Twelve.
He had been twelve.
"So you just… saw him, and knew you liked him that way?"
"It was liking in the way children do- I liked the shape of his face and the way he spoke and laughed, and something about him made me flustered and awkward, but he was… well, you know him. Even as a child he was bold and funny. I imagined getting to play with him forever, and I've been lucky enough that somehow, it came true." He tilted his head, blinking. "Is there someone that you like, dear?"
Octavia pulled her legs up to her chest, eyes dropping to her knees. "I… I don't think so." She paused. "I don't think I like anyone at all."
He sucked in a breath, before rounding the table to pull her into a hug. "Oh, Via…"
"You said you were a little kid and you already-"
"Everyone is different, dear, maybe you simply haven't found that spark, that person, yet."
"But I just don't get it." She pulled back. "That would have been before you started feeling the alpha hormones, before it affected you. How does that work, if it's not… if it's…" She trailed off. "Why does everyone else seem to know what it feels like, no matter what they are?"
"So you haven't felt… anything at all? Not even for other girls? That was…" He cleared his throat. "That was part of what tripped me up a bit, at your age."
She shook her head. "Not girls, not boys, not anyone."
He squeezed her shoulder. "Maybe you're simply a late bloomer, but if not… we can look into it. I'm sure there's something out there. We'll find your truth, Starfire, I promise."
The talk had bolstered her enough to finally start plugging search terms into Voogle. One by one, the pieces began to knit together like the blankets that Blitz seemed so fond of bundling her and Loona up in.
Asexual. Aromantic. Maybe one, maybe both, but the words cast a spotlight on the lack of feeling, on the void settled between theory and reality in her brain
Once it was illuminated, though, the shadows of confusion cast away, she could fill it as she pleased, and there was no lack of new sensations and new experiences with this new pack of six. The stars around her glittered, making a miniature galaxy where there had once only been the routine of royal life. Blitz and his crude jokes who cared enough about her hobbies to get her trinkets from Earth and tagged her in to the movie rotation. Loona, her music and her friends and her strong hands that made messy braids that weren't proper but were comfortable. Millie, who showed her how to use a knife 'just in case' and slapped her back when she managed to hit even the edge of the target. Moxxie, who insisted on called her 'your highness' a few times at first, but ended up sharing tips on how to use her guitar by tracing over her fingers, and offered advice that helped her tighten up her scratched-out melodies.
She looked up from her notebook, full of sketches and concepts for lyrics, to see Millie feeding Moxxie a bite of meat while her father laughed at something Blitz had said. Loona was settled next to her on the couch, her tail casually resting over Octavia's own as she tilted her phone to share something funny she'd seen on Sinstagram.
Octavia leaned in closer with a smile.
