YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT THESE 4 CHRISTMAS ADVERTS TAUGHT ME ABOUT THE BIRTH OF JESUS!*
The man (and ger-man) who invented Christmas, Prince Albert, with various Christmas comrades. Photo via
By Leah Aaron
Hello. Christmas means drawing your friends and family close together and spread goodwill to those around you- or an unfettered frenzy of commercialism and overconsumption, depending on your point of view.
In this festive spirit, and in the name of continued and cosy cooperation between all 28 member states, Eureka have searched far and wide to bring you the true essence of Christmas from across the continent.
So grab a hot toddy, settle down in front of a crackling log-fire .gif, and prepare to see a nation’s soul, distilled into the form of a 1-2 minute long, cynically manipulative advertisement.
THIS WEEK: GERMANY
EDEKA
In this advert, a young robot wanders through a post-apocalyptic Bladerunner style landscape (which is-maybe- Alexanderplatz in Berlin???) 100 years from now, before stumbling upon an ancient cinema reel and discovering the meaning of Christmas. Which is family, togetherness, and robot-human love, and not the unrestricted frenzy of overconsumption which British adverts tend to advocate, which is presumably what destroyed the planet in the first place. Although EDEKA is the largest supermarket in the country, so it’s possible there’s some sort of irony there? Whatever it is, it’s lost on me.
LIDL
Did you know that Germans save too much? Their exports are so strong, and their footwear so well-made, that they have loads of extra cash and nothing much to with it, so they put it into savings, and it slows down growth. That’s why this advert worries me. Unlike Britain (whose house-price fuelled, credit-card economy is a ticking time bomb) Germans actually need to spend more. Why not take a leaf out of our book and do some online shopping? Lidl might be asking you to go for the knockoff version in this advert, but they don’t have your best interests at heart. I do. You need to let your hair down! Have a splurge! Buy some sandals! Your country needs you.
REWE
This advert follows a hip young millennial as he makes the long and arduous journey back to his place of birth for the census. He’s really late, so his family (or his colleagues from the small but well-respected art gallery where he’s completing a six-month unpaid internship- everyone is so well dressed it’s hard to tell) start eating without him. But it’s fine! Even though he’s only brought two presents and there’s like 10 people there. Rewe (REWE?) will sort him out. What I learned in this advert is that not only do middle-aged German people dress really well, they’re also so used to having a reasonably functional, well-maintained rail service that they can no longer appreciate it, and get flights instead. If I was travelling home for Christmas and could get a train that did not actually have a wooden escape ladder, then I would use it. Just saying.
MIGROS
Migros is technically Swiss, but I found the idea of little people living inside supermarket scanners and saying ‘beep’ so enchanting I just had to include it anyway. Do you think they’re happy in there? Do they get lonely? Do they get paid National Minimum Wage? I hope so. Do you think they’ll plan strike action when they eventually get moved to self-service tills? I think machines, or anthropomorphised machines, attempting to celebrate Christmas with human-like objects (creepy shop mannequins in EDEKA, a tiny chocolate Santa in this one) is an interesting running theme. Is celebrating Christmas what makes us human? Is it a substitute for the Turing test? Germany is dealing with its automation anxiety through festive advertising, and I think that’s laudable. Science fiction is so passé.
I think we can learn a lot from Germany from these adverts, namely that they are terrified of robots taking over the world (aren’t we all), and that investing in high-quality basics will take you far in the sartorial Christmas game. But most importantly, we got a glimpse into the festive period’s true meaning- love, togetherness, and very expensive frozen desserts. Awww.
*this title has been chosen as a deliberately provocative piece of clickbait and is in no way reflective of the quality of this article.
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