An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski, The Witcher (TV)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia & Jaskier | Dandelion
Characters: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Jaskier | Dandelion
Additional Tags: Omega Jaskier | Dandelion, Alpha Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega Verse, Alpha/Omega, Sharing Body Heat, Sharing a Bed, Touch-Starved, omegas need touch, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Loves Jaskier | Dandelion, Protective Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Has Feelings, Jaskier | Dandelion Loves Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia, Touch-Starved Jaskier | Dandelion, Geralt taking care of Jaskier, Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Cuddling & Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, omegas purr, Purring Jaskier, Purring
Summary:
Geralt couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t a monster that was keeping him awake tonight, though. No. It was Jaskier. Because Jaskier was shivering. He was shivering so badly, it made the blankets and furs he’d wrapped himself in rustle, loudly enough to keep Geralt awake with his enhanced hearing.
Geralt tries to fix this little problem and ends up getting more than he bargained for. Not that he’d complain about it, though.
more of the destiel thing i’m writing because it’s over 11k and i’m crying in the club
He left Cas unloading their bags and headed into the office. The only employee was a pock-marked teenager who looked like he would rather have been anywhere else in the world, but Dean paid him no mind as he walked to the counter and pulled his card out of his pocket.
“Can I get a twin?”
“Um…” The teen at least looked apologetic. “Sorry, dude - we’re having maintenance issues. We’ve only got a couple rooms with heat, and they’re all kings.”
Dean sighed, trying to find the energy to argue. “Can you not just give us some extra blankets?”
“My dad says I can’t legally –“
“Fine,” Dean snapped, and then rubbed a hand over his eyes when the kid physically jumped. “Sorry. I guess we’ll take a king.”
The kid rung him up quickly and handed over a key, obviously keen to get Dean as far away from him as possible. Dean felt bad for just a moment, but settled back into exhaustion before he could really beat himself up too hard. He turned to leave, but paused when he spotted a rack of brochures by the door, all advertising local attractions. They were still on a case, he figured, as he plucked a particularly… vibrant one from its place.
“’Red Bluff Campground’,” he read aloud, feigning ignorance. “Hey, isn’t that where those hikers have been washing up?”
“Huh?” the kid replied, and then spotted the leaflet. “Oh, yeah. I got a friend whose mom works at the morgue – apparently there wasn’t much left of the bodies.”
Dean frowned. “What, like an animal got to them?”
“No,” the kid shook his head. “They were all drained of blood. Practically turned to dust when the cops tried to move them. Matty’s mom said they looked like a juice pouch after you suck out all the juice.”
Baby, I Know You Wanna Touch by Tita
{explicit, 1k, canon compliant, baby boyfriends, x factor era, friends to lovers, sharing a sleeping bag (which is the same thing shush), wet dreams, fluff}
After escaping the X Factor house for a camping trip, Louis and Harry are forced to share a sleeping bag and to put it simply, Harry's erection won't stop rubbing against Louis.
~
it’s just that it’s delicate by acciocreativity (condescendingsmirk)
{not rated, 2k, canon compliant, baby boyfriends, x factor era, fluff, first kiss}
Harry giggles sleepily and Louis’ heartstrings give a little tug. “Come snuggle, then?” he asks hopefully, blinking up at Louis slowly. He brings a hand up to rub at his tired eyes. “Body heat and all that.”
~
this is right where it begins by orphan_account
{teen and up, 14k, xfactor era, cuddling, fluff, napping, established relationship, ot5 involvement}
“I can’t sleep.”
“Well, what do you want me to do about it?” Louis huffs but Harry can see the corners of his mouth turning up.
“Come cuddle?” Harry asks hopefully, tentatively opening his arms out.
Because they’re better off together in their bed.
~
Playing To Win by jacaranda_bloom
{explicit, 36k, big brother AU, enemies to lovers, secret relationship, sharing a bed, smut, fluff, angst, alternating POV}
Big Brother UK alumni Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles are selected for the UK vs Australia All Stars series with a massive one million dollar prize in the offing. They’re both fit and smart and would make a great alliance... if only they can stop their feelings from getting in the way.
OR the one where Louis really doesn’t want to like Harry, Harry is struggling to quell his growing fondness for Louis, but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t fight fate.
~
Escapade by dolce_piccante
{mature, 146k, 5 chapters, fake relationship AU, slow build, side ziall, ot5 friendship + involvement, enemies to lovers, smut}
In the grand scheme of things, finding a date for a wedding should be no problem for Louis Tomlinson. He's rich. He's handsome. He's reasonably well behaved. But when the wedding is for his lifelong best friend (and former boyfriend), and is happening in under a month, finding a date for the ceremony and accompanying festivities becomes more of an adventure than he ever could have planned for.
I know this is a very overdone trope, but I also happen to be a complete sucker for it. Hopefully someone will share my sentiment. (Also, this is my first fanfic. And first story written in English. Sorry if it’s not as good as I thought, haha)
Summary: Simon and Baz still share a room at Watford. Simon’s nightmares are getting unbearable… and one night, his magic sets fire to his bed. What will happen next will shock you!!1!
Word count: 7.5k
Tags: angst, sharing beds, cuddling, fluff, Baz being a tortured soul
Baz
It all started with fire.
I would assume about two hours had passed since my return from the catacombs. I had been exhausted enough to fall face-first into my pillow, not even bothering to change out of my clothes before I fell asleep. It had been a long day… and by trying to avoid Simon Snow, I had made it even longer.
He was already snoring lightly with his mouth open when I came back. He looked stupid. And he was still asleep as the smell of smoke woke me up.
I guess I heard him whine in his sleep, too, but I didn’t pay attention anymore. It was an unwritten rule between us that we pretended we didn’t notice the other having night terrors; one of the few remaining lines even I haven’t crossed. Which speaks volumes. I’m proficient at being an asshole.
Yet, this time, I could tell something was different.
Worse.
He was tossing in his sheets, head twitching from side to side, stifled moans getting stuck somewhere in his throat. His hair was damp with sweat. And it looked as if… as if his edges were getting blurry and shaky. As if he was dissolving into pure energy.
Then it hit me, right before I breathed in again, tasting the smoke on my tongue.
Simon Snow was catching fire.
I would rather be in this room with a bomb than Snow as he is losing control of his magic. Especially considering that I was made to be burned alive.
“Snow,” I hissed sharply, swinging my legs over the edge of my bed.
His breathing was getting more and more ragged, chest rising and falling at an incredible speed.
“Snow,” I spoke up. Didn’t really feel like shaking him. That would probably make matters worse. “For Morgana’s sake, Snow, it’s just a dream. Snap out of it!”
Smoke was rising from underneath his body. His body barely looked like a body anymore – just a buzzing, shaky mess, power and heat solidified. A thought formed in my mind, of running out of the room as fast as possible and leaving him behind. He was so not my responsibility…
But of course, I didn’t. I like to flirt with death at any given opportunity. Instead of escaping, I just so managed to grab my wand and shouted: “Simon, wake up!”
I must have instinctively put some magic into that order.
Simon’s eyes flew open and he gasped for breath –
As the bed burst into flames with him in it. Like a fucking funeral pyre.
I screamed in terror before all spells used to put out fires in all languages I know came pouring from my lips. To my own shock, Snow rolled out of the burning bed to my feet, not a single scratch on him. He started slapping his pajama bottoms that have, unlike him, caught on fire in some places, and I just yelled something along the lines of “Alaister fucking Crowley fucking help me”. A Snow-made fire was not easy to tame. And at any moment, I could step too close and I would light up…
But eventually, I found myself standing in a dark, quiet room, the blackened remains of a bed frame right in front of me. And Simon Snow beside me. Still shaking, still breathing too fast… and in his hand that bloody sword. What was he going to do? Stab the fire to death?!
“Do you think you’ll ever manage to stop being a useless excuse for a magician,” I growled at him, “and take out your wand before that primitive pointy stick?”
“I just – I – what happened?”
“You fucking went supernova, o Chosen One, that’s what happened!” Now that we were both safe, I had to resist the urge to punch him square in the face. “As if it’s not enough that I have to breathe the same air as you, now I should worry that I’ll burn to death in my sleep?!”
“Well, sorry,” he snapped. “It’s not like I had any control over what happened!”
“Oh, don’t worry. I would never think you are capable of having anything under control.”
“Why are you always such… such a complete prick?”
“It’s what I do best. Kind of like you with putting people in danger just by being alive.”
His eyes were like an open book for me to read in. I clearly saw the flash of hurt that my words have caused. Hit a sore spot, have I?
My job of making him feel miserable was done. I turned my back and remarked: “If you have no other plans to roast me alive, I’d like to go back to sleep.”
Snow stayed silent. Only a huff of air made it clear to me that he was frustrated. I didn’t even manage to properly lie down before he spoke again.
“Is there any spell to repair the bed?”
“After you have turned it to ashes?” I laughed at him. “No.”
“I bet you wouldn’t tell me even if you knew, huh.”
“Ah, maybe you’re not so daft after all.”
I made myself comfortable in the sheets, very aware of Snow’s look that bore into my back. He did look very shaken up just then. But I forcibly silenced that small part of me that was concerned for his wellbeing – there would be no asking whether he is alright. I’ve made it worse for him, haven’t I? So why would I care to ask questions I already know the answer to?
Just as I closed my eyes, I heard him speak again.
“Where the fuck am I supposed to sleep then?”
Although he was swearing… It almost sounded like a plea.
I gritted my teeth and spat out: “In the bathtub for all I care.”
A second later, the bathroom door loudly slammed shut.
I hated myself.
I hated myself for doing this, I hated myself for feeling guilty for doing this, I hated myself for how desperately I wanted to save him just moments ago.
I gave in for just a small moment and imagined Simon Snow crawling into my bed, into my arms. So warm and irresistibly alive.
And then I imagined us both burn.
Just as it should be.
***
From what I’ve heard, the Watford administration was very different while Mother was still in charge of the school. In a way that there was actual work getting done. She imposed order and structure and put thought into choosing competent staff members. Of course, it was no news to me that everything has been falling apart since the Mage rose to power… But now I had just another fucking bone to pick with him.
As I came back to our shared room the next evening, I expected to see a new bed waiting for Snow and all signs of the fire magicked away. But what was waiting for me there was the same mess that was there the night before. Half-burned wall, blackened floorboards and the stench of smoke still in the air, despite all windows being open. The only difference was that someone had got rid off the discarded bedframe. But that might’ve been Snow himself.
I would have thought the Mage would rush to make his favourite boy soldier comfortable again.
Maybe he didn’t care much after all.
Snow’s barely noticed that I had made my entrée. He was sitting at the table, legs folded strangely underneath himself. The torn, tattered pages in front of him appeared to be his homework, but he clearly wasn’t paying attention to that either. He kept staring out the window.
I didn’t even have to look at his face; the air was already heavy around him, the stillness of an unbearably hot summer day you can’t wait to be over. This is what his magic did when he was moping.
I took a stride to my bed. Slowly, I let the blazer fall off my shoulders. Then I hung it neatly over the unoccupied chair and sat down on my bed, breathing out just loudly enough so it would send a clear message to Snow: I have a bed to relax in. You don’t.
He was at the very edge of my vision now… but I could his shoulders hunch a little. Pretty sure he was gritting his teeth at me.
I could have just looked at him – I had reasons to be convinced that with a horrible posture like that, his back muscles would be visible through the shirt, that was always quite a sight. But I decided not to be completely pathetic… today. There was a time and place for everything.
Plus, Mother was probably rolling in her grave as it was.
Perhaps I could go check one of these nights? Her undead son hunting rodents in her tomb had not woken her up from her eternal sleep. But maybe, if I sat down and told her about the boy I have a crush on, she would rise just to personally drag me into the pits of hell.
I felt my brows furrow at the thought.
Time to pass on some of my misery. Was planning on it, anyway.
“Are you going to clean up after yourself?” I asked in the coldest tone possible. “Or should I hire a maid?”
Hearing my voice so suddenly made him jump. He tried to cover it, but playing cool was decidedly not one of the three things in life that Simon Snow was good at.
(Those were, not necessarily in this order: swinging a sword, taking orders from the Mage and being way too bloody attractive for anybody’s good.)
(Oh, and eating like a pig. So four.)
He turned half-way and said: “I got rid of the bed.”
“Lovely, would you like a medal?”
Exasperated sigh. “Just… just what do you want, Baz?”
I stabbed at the burnt wall with my eyes, then looked back at him. “So this shit is now a part of the interior design?”
He brought his hand up and pulled on his hair.
I kept on pushing. “Maybe you’re used to having your living space look like a slum, Snow, considering the hole you crawled out of. But I suggest you get off your ass and fix it. Right now.”
“I – I thought – look, wouldn’t it be better if –”
“If what? If I did it for you?” I arched my eyebrow. “You’ve got to be fucking joking.”
“No! Just let me speak!” he bursted. Then he immediately took a breath in, determined to keep his composture.
Right. That was not going to happen.
This was a game. A game that could only end in my driving him so mad he wouldn’t manage to put together a coherent sentence. Possibly even cry, but maybe we were too old for that now. What a shame.
“Look,” Snow mumbled, “I’m gonna have it fixed. Soon. If… If I tried to do anything about it, the whole wall could just… disappear.” His voice full of shame, he added: “Things like that happened before.”
Was I supposed to feel sorry for him?
“You really are a sorry excuse for a mage,” I told him.
Snow’s face scrunched up like a child’s before he turned his back.
“But you do keep surprising me with how much worse you can get.”
“You say,” he blurted out.
“Great comeback,” I laughed at him, gaining momentum with every word. “Tells a great deal about your intelligence, just like the fact any twelve-year-old with magic could clean up after himself… but here you are. Waiting on other people to fix your fuck-ups as usual.”
“Stop.”
“Why don’t you run to papa Mage and bring him here? I’m sure that would make me stop. Or you could tell him you’re having bad dreams, he could come and tuck you in every night.”
“You –”
“I imagine he doesn’t want to spend more time around you than absolutely needed. Who can blame him. I’m stuck here with you and I feel my braincells dying every time I hear you speak.”
“Crowley, just – why – what are you –”
“Oh, there they go again. Gone. With every single word.”
“Jesus Christ, leave me the fuck alone,” he boomed, apparently at the end of his wits. (Whether he had any wits to begin with was disputable.) I could feel my lips sealing on their own as he stormed across the room and slammed the door so loudly the walls shook.
I sighed and relaxed into my mattress.
Finally. I had hoped to get a chance to nap in solitude.
***
That evening I decided to pass on the hunting. The nap I took left me all blurry and cranky and unwilling to move from my bed. I was sure I had drunk quite enough the previous night.
Besides, I couldn’t miss Snow coming back to the dorm room. I had to let him know how laughable his little tantrum was.
And yet, when he did return… I couldn’t bring myself to make a single comment about it.
Not because my heart had grown too gentle to torture him – as if that would ever happen. It was because Snow looked like hell. He did try to hide his face. But his eyes were all red and puffy. Morgana, was this real? Had I actually made him cry, just like when we were kids?
Maybe I was really getting soft. Because the thought made me feel guilty. Come to think of it… Snow had been having nightmares as long as I’ve known him, but these couple of weeks were positively more intense. He jolted awake multiple times a night, often almost catching me midnight snacking. The circles under his eyes grew deeper, darker. Like bruises.
Snow stomped to the wardrobe and started to pull out items of clothing at random, clumping them together. I was not worth a single look to him. Still, I put on a condescending expression, just in case.
I could feel a strange emotion grow in my chest. He was clearly on his way to sleep in the tub again – moron, he could’ve made a king-sized bed if he had learned to use his power properly – and I just couldn’t stop thinking about… things.
No, not those things. Crowley. More like Snow bursting into bright orange flames again. Locked in the bathroom. Devoured by fire…
It shouldn’t bother me. Fuck. It really shouldn’t. A dead Mage’s heir should be the best case scenario.
But it really wasn’t. Not to me.
I just… I was afraid for his life. I was a disgrace to my family and their values, I was the stupidest bastard alive… But I didn’t want Snow dead. I knew damn well why that is. Deep down. But just for the sake of my pride, I pretended it was because I had worked way too hard to end Snow for him to kill himself. Accidently, in his sleep.
Snow turned to me at the stupidest possible moment. I scrambled to get my expression under control. Who knows if it worked.
“You need to use the bathroom?” he spat out. “Or can I go lie down?”
I kept staring into his eyes, motionless.
Frankly, it did not happen very often that I’d find my morality challenged… since I had none. Now, my chest felt stuffed. And I wasn’t entirely sure what to do.
I didn’t like this.
Snow curled his lip and soon after, the bathroom door slammed shut behind him. There was a soft click of the lock. At the exact same moment, I caught myself reaching for the doorknob.
I grabbed my own arm and retrieved it. I shook my head; what was I thinking? I mean… there was a spell, of course… but even if Snow would’ve wanted my help, which I was sure he wouldn’t have, what good would it do? At the end of the day, he was still the Mage’s pet.
I couldn’t be the one saving The Simon Snow. No matter how many feelings for him I’ve harboured, we were at the opposite ends of the barricade. Actually, no – we were going to be the first to come through the barricade to try and take the other’s life.
I sat back on my bed.
I would leave him be, I decided. Wellbelove could kiss his pain away the following morning for all I care.
If he is alive the following morning, my mind opposed.
Aleister Crowley! What was happening to me?!
What I wanted to do, truly wanted to do… it wasn’t clever. It didn’t profit me or anyone I cared for. But there was, jumping to my feet and going back to the bathroom door. Taking a deep breath.
Then I called: “Snow?”
“Sod off,” he yelled back.
“Oh, save it,” I roll my eyes. “Just come out. I want to talk.” That was not true. I wanted to talk as little as possible. Solve the problem of the missing bed and say little to nothing about it.
“Ask if I care.”
Impatient, I knocked on the door multiple times just a little too strong. “I don’t have all night,” I rose my voice. “If you want to sleep in the tub so badly, then suit yourself. But there’s another way, so just get over yourself and open the damn door.”
There was only silence on the other side.
Then I heard steps. The familiar click of the lock. Two blue eyes looked up at me.
I swallowed.
I couldn’t believe I was doing this.
“So?” Snow asked, wary, but curious. “What is it?”
I narrowed my eyes. “Just to be clear, I don’t want anybody hearing about this,” I warned him, “or else I will find you and hex you. Understood?”
Snow shrugged, and his fingers found their way to the cross necklace he was wearing. I always found it annoying when he fiddled with it. I found it annoying that he had it in the first place. Yet another fuck you just for me.
“Alright, and…?”
It was especially hard to find words to explain what I was about to do. For… For him. To think that I’d be helping Snow instead of making his life even more hell…
Instead of speaking, I just took out my wand.
I knew what to do.
To my defence, it had not been my idea to watch Normal shows. It was Aunt Fiona, who found the Normal world really entertaining for some odd reason, that had me sit through four seasons of Doctor Who. After that, I eloquently explained that I thought it was kind of dumb. She still made me try out multiple spells that she’d invented after binge-watching the entire thing.
Now, I pointed the wand at my bed and cast a spell: “It’s bigger on the inside.” For this one to work, you had to mimic one of the Doctors’ accents. I was more than ready to murder Snow if he had laughed at me.
“I didn’t know that one,” he pointed out the obvious.
“Of course you didn’t.”
“What did it do though?”
I decided to demonstrate. I sat on the bed and scooted back to the wall, further and further, until my legs were stretched out in front of me. Which, obviously, was not supposed to be possible. The bed was not wide enough for that.
The trick was that whatever you used the spell on looked the same, but it got as spacious as needed. You could get infinite storage space without visibly enlarging the wardrobe, for example.
Considering this single bed… well, I suppose the entire football team could sleep on it and they wouldn’t even touch.
This spell was a bit of an eyesore, unfortunately. I could see Snow blinking in confusion. He saw the same thing I did – my legs laying comfortably on the mattress, and yet, the bed stayed the same size. Visually, my legs didn’t shrink, the bed didn’t get bigger… both realities existed at once. It was a bit much for the mind to handle.
“It’s as big as needed,” I explained briefly, not looking at him anymore. “You can sleep here just this once. And make sure it doesn’t have to happen again. Got it?”
“I – I mean –“ He looked shocked. Amazed, even.
“Speak, Snow.”
“Yes,” he nodded. His eyes got a completely bewildered look in them, I couldn’t keep the eye contact. “I – yeah.”
“The blanket is mine,” I informed him coldly. I would not pamper him like that. It was enough that I had just invited him into my bed.
Fuck’s sake. It’s going to smell like him, too, isn’t it? My mouth went dry at the thought. This was probably the stupidest idea I’ve had in the last ten years. Completely off the charts idiotic.
Good thing I had already changed into my pyjamas. Without a word, I lay down and slithered as close to the wall as possible; I felt as though I was never going to reach it. I covered myself with the blanket head to toe.
Nothing in this world would make me confess how nervous I was about the whole premise of Simon bloody Snow sleeping in the same bed as me. As I was laying there, a lot of memories came rushing to my mind. Of being fifteen and dying over how much I wanted Snow’s body on mine. How many fantasies of him getting up in the middle of the night and crawling into my bed had kept me up for hours? Smelling of firewood, his hands roaming under the sheets and his stupid mouth following suit…?
No.
No, this was not something I wanted to bring back. If he touched me, even by accident, I was pushing him onto the floor.
But still, I just knew where he was, how far from me exactly. I listened to him change from his clothes, the fabric rustling, floorboards creaking under his feet. Eventually he turned off the light and lay down somewhere behind me. So far… and yet so awfully close.
There was complete dead silence for a while.
Before Snow cleared his throat.
“Baz?” he sighed silently. “Thanks.”
I closed my eyes.
“Shut up.”
***
When I heard Snow whimpering in his sleep, I thought the events of last night had just come creeping into my dreams. This couldn’t be real.
Then came the burning smell. The air got thicker and every hair on my body stood up. It made me lift my head from the pillow to check on Snow.
It was the same as last time. Only I was closer. All the twitching, his body crackling with energy. Almost glowing with it.
My drowsy brain took about a second to know Snow was having terrors again. And another one to deduct that he was about to blow up my bed, taking me with it. He might’ve made it the last time, survived the magickal fire he started. Me? Not a chance there.
I was not ready to meet my fate.
I could feel panic rise in my throat and I pushed it down. In a millisecond, I calculated my chances. Snow will blow up, set me on fire. I die. Everybody in the dorm would be in danger. I couldn’t reach my wand, left it on the bedside table. No use talking to Snow, wake him up. No use trying to get out. He was getting all blurry again… his power made my mouth taste of smoke and blood.
The realisation dawned on me.
There was nothing I could do that was sure to save me.
In what I considered to be my last moments, I instinctively did the thing I wanted to do the most, just to keep the theme of being a pitiful, lovesick fool. Reaching across the bed, I took Snow’s hand. Closed my eyes.
I knew you would rid this world of me, I thought at him. It seemed to me like I was thanking him for the deed.
And then…
There was no fire.
Snow just squeezed my hand so tightly I felt my joints crack and curled around it like a small, frightened child. He was still breathing way too quickly… but the air got colder. The smoke was scattering.
I could not believe my eyes. Snow was holding onto my hand. I felt my pulse shoot up as I took in the view.
Something was telling me there was more. More I could do. And I felt like it must’ve been my destiny to die that night, because if Snow hadn’t killed me before he wakes from his nightmare… he sure would after.
Either way, I grit my teeth and came closer to Snow and our joint hands. I pulled the boy to my chest, all touches soft as velvet. His cross was buzzing between us, just another point of tension.
Snow’s bare skin was feverishly hot. I wish I wasn’t cold as a corpse. I wish I was alive.
Nevertheless, I tried to make the hug as comforting as possible. I ran my fingers through his hair; I saw Wellbelove do that once at the dinner table and Snow looked like he was just about to start purring. I kept my eyes on the black void of the opposite wall, a reminder of what I was trying to prevent here, and cautiously scratched snow’s scalp. Just like I had seen his girlfriend doing it.
He relaxed against me almost immediately.
His hair was incredibly soft. I’d never got to touch it before, although I’d always…
My throat got tighter. I had to stop the train of thought immediately.
I was just going mad because of him, wasn’t I?
As if he had heard that, Snow twitched in his sleep and I brought him closer, petting his head, letting him drool onto my shirt. A giant murderous baby, that’s what he was. And I was just the moron that was stuck cradling him. And I was indulging in it. And I wished I could erase the memory of what it felt like to be so close to him after this moment…
I sighed and scratched Snow’s head again.
At least this bloody thing worked.
If nothing else, it was a good call to try and calm him down like this. He was getting more stable by the second.
“Shhh,” I found myself cooing. This night was not going to get any stranger at this point, no matter what I did. “It’s okay. You are going to be okay.”
Snow didn’t register that I spoke to him. Fortunately. He was fast asleep in my arms. I kept absentmindedly stroking his hair before I finally drifted off as well…
“Baz…?’”
What… What was that? I felt so hot…
“Baz – what the hell are you – what is happening?!”
Crowley.
Oh no.
My eyes flew open just to meet Snow’s. He was so close. And so extremely confused, trying to push me away. I saved him the trouble as I scrambled away in panic. He grabbed his arms like a lady that had just been harassed.
I regained false composure in a bat of an eye. I would have been completely red by now if I had any fresh blood left in me. Good thing I hadn’t drank this time.
“Don’t flatter yourself, Snow.” I made a mildly disgusted face. “I was trying to save my life from a certain pyromaniac.”
His eyes widened. First, there was understanding. Then shock.
“So you… you just… cuddled me?!”
“Fuck’s sake. It worked. Don’t be an idiot!”
I aggressively threw the blanket over myself and turned to face the wall.
I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked it up so badly. Now the entire school’s about to learn that I cuddle my arch nemesis in my sleep. Snow is undoubtedly going to tell everyone, just as he’s been trying to convince the whole school that I’m an undead vampire that is planning his downfall. (Which is more or less correct, but that’s not the point.)
“It’s not – I mean – sorry,” Snow blabbered behind me. “And thanks again. Not – not for that, for stopping me. Er. Sorry.”
“You’re fucking welcome.”
“Baz – I –”
“That was not an imploration to keep talking, Snow. I’m going back to sleep.”
I felt him sink into the mattress.
When he took a breath to speak again, I thought I would rip his head off.
“It’s just… the terrors. They are getting worse.”
“You wouldn’t believe,” I sighed, “how happy I am to hear that.”
It shut him right up. Didn’t even call me evil, which was a first. It really must have bothered him… I was cursing at myself internally, but I asked anyway: “What are they about?”
“Huh?”
“The dreams. What are they about?”
Snow paused.
When he answered, his tone was flat. Dark.
“Everyone dead. Because of me.”
***
We said nothing about any of that in the morning. Who knows what Snow was thinking.
All I did was take the memory of him in my arms that was tingling in my skin and lock it somewhere deep inside of me. I would reach for it, I was sure, at those times when I would muse about how utterly miserable my entire life was. How I could never love anybody else but him. And how that doesn’t even matter because we were bound to destroy each other from day one.
***
“Look – er, I’m sorry, I really tried to get hold of someone, but –”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“Sorry, Baz. Come on, don’t look at me like that, I really am sorry. I can go back to the bathroom, you know, if –”
“If I would rather you didn’t set me on fire?”
“Technically. Yeah.”
I sighed. I thought that would be a one-night-only issue. The bed. But apparently, the universe has a wicked sense of humour.
“Why don’t you just tell your little sidekick Bunce to come here and take care of it? I assume a single bed wouldn’t be much of a challenge for her.”
His eyes darted around the room. “Penelope can’t come here. She’s… a girl. That’s impossible.”
“You must be daft as a troll to believe I didn’t know.”
“I – er – I don’t – Penny never –”
“Save it.”
His ears were red as a beat. He didn’t look at me again, just pulled as his hair and stuttered out: “Uh – will you be taking a shower? Or can I…”
There was no need for me to protest. I knew that. I could’ve just refused to share my bed again. That’s what I would do if I wasn’t just a little too desperate and eager to torture myself. But I had convinced myself that this thing – Snow in my bed, but not the way I wanted it, never the way I wanted it – was something I fully deserved. Why wouldn’t I?
I did not deserve nice things, that was for sure.
I did not deserve the golden boy. He was not for me. But I could borrow him one more time.
I made my way to the door. “I’ll be back,” I said, looking him up and down, “but you’re not sleeping in the bathroom.”
“What? Why not?”
“Because it’s nonsense. The spell hasn’t worn off yet, It would be… a waste of magic.” Crowley, how was that making any sense?! I really was becoming dumber by the minute.
“But… but…”
“But, but, but,” I mocked him. Snow frowned at me and finished: “Why are you helping me like this, Baz?”
I turned my back.
“I’m not.”
“You are. Why?” he kept pestering.
“Maybe I want you to trust me for a bit, so I could kill you in your sleep.”
“I would never trust you,” Snow assured me… and I hated the way my stomach sunk to the floor. “And besides, you can’t kill me here. Anathema, remember?”
One foot out of the door already, I smirked: “Well, guess I am just going to shave off your eyebrows.”
***
Upon my return, the room was dark and silent. Snow had curled up with his back to the wall, lips slightly parted, his hair an ocean of curls… on my pillow. For a brief moment, I considered snatching it from underneath his stupid face. But that would just wake him up and I didn’t want to talk to him. I also didn’t want him to move away from the wall. That way, if he starts setting fires again, I have a chance to roll out of bed and leave him to it.
I went and took a shower. I really needed it. Changed into my pyjamas and laid down on the very edge of the bed, facing the room and not… him. Good thing I was so tired… I let my eyelids fall on their own, that was all it took…
And all it took for my eyes to swing open again was the sound, the feeling, of Snow shuffling closer to me.
Before I realized what was happening, I had two arms locked around my waist. And his body pressed into mine. Firm. Hot. So fucking real. He let out a relieved sigh – a huff of air against my bare neck. I could feel myself going pink in the face.
This was not a situation my mind had the capacity to process. Snow, I mouthed silently, eyes wide in shock. But I did not speak. What was I going to do? Wake him up? Throw a fit, ridicule him?
Simon Snow was holding me. He did it. He initiated it. Aleister Crowley and all mages that came before me, what was I going to do with this?!
But…
Really…
Fuck, I didn’t want to make a scene. Or wake him up. Or move an inch. This was all I would ever get. Snow… Simon… He wasn’t gay. Probably not even bi. I could never have him. And this was not conscious, and he would feel incredibly embarrassed in the morning.
He was holding me now, though.
I couldn’t give it up.
So I relaxed into the embrace. I hovered my hand over his for a moment, wondering whether I should… but no, no, that was too much. I let it fall onto the bed.
Snow was breathing on my neck, sending little shivers down my spine. I was never this close to anybody before. Never this aware of somebody else’s presence, skin, breathing.
With every rise and fall of his chest against my back, I thought: I love you, Simon Snow.
I wish I could only feel love for you.
I wish that was all there is to life.
***
Snow woke up first. He slipped away from me and said nothing. Which was odd.
I almost let myself hope. Almost believed he knew what he did and did it on purpose. Almost lost myself in fantasies of a great secret romance with Snow.
But when I arrived at the dorms that afternoon, I found it clean, tidy… and there was a brand new single bed waiting on Snow’s side of the room.
I ran out and into the catacombs so quickly I forgot to close the door behind me.
Hope turned out to be the worst thing that could’ve happened to me.
***
I roamed the underground for hours, trying to get lost and failing miserably.
Seriously, what was I thinking? That I might get a few more nights? A week of snuggling close to the person I was supposed to be fighting? Did I think he would kiss me? Did I think he would touch me?
I was a naïve fool. Simon Snow was going to fight for the Mage, as he always had, against the old families. Against my family. I had to protect my own, I had to do what was expected of me, and so did he. We had no future. Maybe one of us would live, but not both. Not together.
I thought I had understood a long time ago.
I thought I could control myself. Refrain from imagining stupid, unrealistic scenarios.
I was wrong. And useless. Noted.
I just wished Snow had never touched me. I would never forget all the things I would miss out on. It was better when I had no idea.
This was probably when I started crying.
***
It was almost dawn when I stumbled back into the room.
At first, I though I was just hallucinating. That I was this far gone.
But Snow’s bed was empty.
He was cozied up in mine.
I got inexplicably angry at a snap of fingers. I slammed the door and exclaimed: “Snow?!”
That scared him awake.
“What the hell,” he mumbled and rubbed his face. “What time is it?”
“Time for you to get out of my fucking bed!”
“Crowley, stop yelling,” he complained. “I, er… was waiting for you. Fell asleep, I guess.”
Waiting? In my bed?
Why, why would he do that?
He had to stop. I would not let him give me false hope anymore. I whipped out my wand and pointed it at him. His hands flew into the air.
“Get out now,” I hissed, not putting any magic into my words… yet.
“You can’t curse me.”
“Snow.”
“You’d be expelled out of Watford.”
“Try me. Maybe I’m willing to sacrifice my education for an easy kill.”
“Oh – come on –” He rapidly stood up. “See? Your bed. I just… wanted to talk to you. I mean, not originally, but now…”
“There is nothing to talk about.”
“I just though… the spell is still working and…”
“And what? You have your own bed. Problem solved. What the fuck are you on about?” I threw my blazer onto a chair and started angrily removing my tie.
Snow kept standing in the middle of the room like a lost lamb.
But when he spoke, his voice cut clear through the room and into my weak, weak mind.
“You hugged me the other night,” he stated. “And held my hand.”
I had a hard time coming up with a comeback to this that wouldn’t include physical violence. So I ignored him… only making it worse.
“And yesterday, I… I hugged you. But you didn’t pull away. You were awake, you let me do it.”
I abruptly turned on my heel and in a second, I was staring him down, face only inches from his.
“You leave me the fuck alone,” I growled. “I never did those things. Touch me again and I break all of your bones.”
“You know I’m telling the truth!”
“You are not. You are a sorry little attention-seeker and nobody will believe you.”
“Stop trying to manipulate me, it won’t work!” he retorted. “And I haven’t told anybody. Never will. I only want to talk to you about… everything.”
“Right. Before you try and blackmail me.”
“No, listen –”
“See, Snow, if there are some feelings you are repressing, I suggest you keep that to yourself. I want you five feet away from me at all times.” Then I spat at his feet. Snow winced.
It wasn’t fair of me. I’ve had my share of repressing emotions. But since when was I the one to play nice? Simon Snow truly was the source of most of my problems in life. Him and his fragile feelings could go fuck themselves.
“You’re disgusting,” he told me.
“You’re annoying.”
“Could you just hear me out for once?”
“Could. Don’t want to.”
“Crowley – just admit it –”
My hands flew to his neck before he could finish the sentence. But he caught them and fought me, even though I was physically stronger than him.
“Knock it off. Baz! I said knock it off!” I felt his magic rise to his panicked voice and make the air crackle with power. I couldn’t help it, I had to step away.
Snow was shaking, visibly upset at me. Maybe he would go off on me. Maybe he would be expelled for that immediately after. Delightful.
Snow’s rage was delightful too.
“I can’t fucking believe you,” he exclaimed. “I hate you so fucking much, you are just evil!”
There it was.
“Likewise.”
“What’s your problem, seriously? Why wouldn’t you just admit what happened between us –”
“Nothing happened, Snow,” I cut him off. “That’s it. Solved the mystery for you.”
“If it was nothing then why are you so scared of having me in your bed? I slept there before, you could’ve just left it!”
“I’m not scared. You are just bordering sexual harassment,” I shouted back. I was positively losing it. Did he… know I was queer? He couldn’t. “Do you have any idea what this all sounds like?! Why would you want to sleep in my bed anyway?!”
“Because I liked it!” he boomed.
Silence fell.
The sky behind the window glass was turning yellow with sunrise.
What… what the everloving fuck did he mean by that? He was just probably trying to use me. Pushing me just to see proof that I have a thing for him. No, never in a million years…
“I – um,” Snow cleared his throat.
I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone blush so much.
“It’s like… I’m not saying I understand what it was. What it… means. But…”
He stepped closer, biting the inside of his face. I couldn’t move. If I could, I would run away in the speed of light.
“But I like this,” he finally admitted, and his gaze fell to his feet. Fuck, it was adorable. “The two of us. Close. Just… sleeping. Nothing else.”
I stared at him in utter disbelief. I tried to accuse him: “It’s some kind of a trick.” My voice was way too shaky though. It didn’t have the effect.
Snow softly shook his head.
“You’re the one who’s always plotting,” he pointed out. “I’m just the guy swinging a sword.”
“I still feel like there is a catch.”
“There isn’t.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. There just isn’t. I’m being honest.”
I wanted to tell him to go to bed, his own bed, but the words got stuck in my throat and wouldn’t come out. Snow, standing dangerously close to me at this point, hurried to add: “We don’t have to talk about it. We really don’t. Besides, nobody knows that we… you know. I haven’t told a soul.”
He talked like we’d been snogging or worse, not like we’d just… spooned. (But considering our history, that was strange enough.)
“Why not?” I asked him. Like a dumbass.
“Didn’t want to, I guess. Have you told anybody?”
“Crowley, no. I have a reputation to uphold.”
Snow nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
He looked me in the eyes again. “Let’s just… try and get some sleep.”
I was confused as in what to do with… well, all this. I watched him get back into my bed and scoot back, leaving me enough space to join him.
“I like to sleep closer to the wall,” I blurted out without thinking. And immediately regretted it. There goes pretending like his suggestion disgusted me. Snow yawned as he got back up, gesturing me to get into bed first. This morning was about to be the first time in my life I would be grateful for being a vampire… if I were not, he would see exactly how flustered that had made me.
“I still can’t tell what you’re trying to achieve here,” I frowned.
Snow shrugged, and the corners of his mouth tugged up. “I think I’m just going to shave your eyebrows off when you’re asleep.”
That almost made me snort.
I gave up. I took off my shoes and laid down. Snow followed me right away. Seeing how tense I am, he repeated: “We really don’t have to talk about any of this, ever.”
“You sound like a broken record. We are already talking about this.”
“Well, we don’t have to.”
I rolled my eyes at him… And noticed the colour of the sky outside.
The day was creeping up on us. But Snow was so close. And… he wanted this. He was all sloppy about it, but he wanted this. I didn’t even know what to think…
“Baz?”
“Mm? What?”
“Could… I hug you now?”
“I just decided. I don’t want you to talk about it.” Yet, he kept waiting for an answer. Honestly, he was just too good for me. Just for him, just this once, I let down my walls, closed my eyes and said: “You… can.”
And he did. Pressed me to his chest like a stuffed animal. I tried to let go of the stiffness in my muscles, to let myself rest, but how could I? He was so bloody hot. (Both in the temperature sense and attractive sense. As per usual, he slept without a shirt on.)
(His cross was nowhere in sight. Just like yesterday, I realized.)
“Your arms won’t fall off if you hug me back,” he remarked.
“Shut up, Snow.”
“Just do it, will you.”
There we were. A knot of limbs, circles under our eyes and deep breaths.
Maybe this really could be all there was to life, at least for the nights and early mornings.
