I don't know if you know, but you saved me tonight.
Yesterday I had the worst night ever. I'm pretty sure I've told y'all before about me losing a few of my best friends, but one other thing I've probably never told you (but you probably could've guessed) is that I'm the WORST at letting go. Here's the thing: once I let you into my heart, you're not gonna get out of there very easily. I'm going to fight for you with every single vein in my body if I have to. That can be a very good thing, but in the case of friends growing apart it's just not. I just hold on for way too long and I'm just having the hardest time letting go. And because of this, I get hurt way more than necessary. So here I am, 6 months later, and I have a breakdown over losing my best friend. I stalk her on the internet only to realize she loves something I just started loving and I just start freaking out and screaming "YOU CAN'T LOVE THAT, THAT'S MINE". I'm being the most childish person and I start stalking her some more, hoping that she misses me and that she's quite miserable without me. But she's better than EVER. And so I start wondering why I want her to be miserable without me, and then I come to realize that even though I thought I'd given this all a place, I really haven't yet. I want her to be miserable because I am. Because I still don't understand what has happened and I would still be her friend in a heartbeat if she'd want me to be. And after realizing all of that I sink back into a huge existential crisis and wonder if I'm ever going to be able to let people go in a normal way and if I'm going to be able to keep good friends instead of always losing them.
So that was yesterday evening.
Today I've been feeling down all day because I just think I suck for still feeling this way. But tonight I got to talk to two friends that I've gotten real close with after losing my best friend. And I don't know if they know, but they saved me tonight. It started off with them telling me I'm adorable (I'M NOT. Seriously, me being adorable is the weirdest thought ever. I AM NOT ADORABLE) and then we just kept on joking. And I suddenly realized how much I love these girls, and how I don't want to lose them. And how they are WAY better than my so-called best friend that just decided to walk away without even trying. These girls don't seem to be like that. And I'm starting to trust that they won't be like that in the future.
So here's to life proving you wrong. To people that make your day. Here's to NOT BEING ADORABLE (I'm NOT) and to making your own memes and using them completely out of context. Here's to making funny, ugly pictures of yourself because you know these people will love you anyway. Here's to trusting again.
... The point of this post was going to be something very different, haha x'] How did it even become this speech? Anyway, would you guys (yes you reading this) like it if I would make a video of myself, you know, to officially introduce myself? To show y'all how adorable I am *COUGH*? Would you like that? And... Would you like it if I'd try to make more videos after that? Please, I'd LOVE some feedback!
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