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I've been feeling so down about myself recently. I thought it would get better after people left because it would give me a chance to breathe and be "myself." In a rut...a mixture between being thrown into my mid-twenties, being so unsure about my future, and feeling pressure that I need to decide something because, apparently, the place I'm in is not too enough. I thought things would be different, Lord was I wrong,
Things I have learned as an official employee of the University of California
If you look like a college kid, people will treat you like a college kid. Even if you are their supervisor.
People will call you their supervisor and it will be weird.
You constantly question whether or not people respect you because you are just as old as they are, just as experienced, but have a diploma.
Everyone has different relationships with the same people. I get along well with my supervisor, but you fucking hate her.
People in power are racist. (I knew this already, but I hate that I can't do anything about it)
No one can get fired from a university job.
Paid Holidays!
Working 9-5 is not the biz.
You think you'll work more with students, when really you're sending clarifying emails to professors.
But, honestly, graduating and getting a career appointment with benefits, vacation time, paid holidays, comp. time and a job that's pretty easy is super awesome.
tbh, i'm a pretty shitty friend.
I went to college and pretty much forgot about everyone. Now it's 5 years later and I haven't done anything to change that.
Top 10 things I do more living alone
1. Talk to myself, way more than usual. And not like a casual comment here and there, but whole conversations in which I argue with myself on while i'm right.
2. Walk around naked. (kind of) This kind of makes me uncomfortable, so I opt for the shirtless-but-still-wearing-a-bra, look.
3. Wash dishes. Because now I can't wait for someone to possibly wash them.
4. Make lists. Because it keeps me sane, but then making lists just gets me back to number 1.
5. Listen to music because living in a home alone is scary and the silence is threatening.
6. Watch Netflix/Movies Because I have nothing else to do at home.
7. Smoke cigs. at the beach at night. Because I get so tired of being at home all day that I have to leave and be out.
8. Dance in my living room. Because I don't have to worry about someone catching me
9, Worry about some stranger breaking in while i'm in the shower. This is real fear, which makes me not want to listen to music as I bathe.
10. Realize how much it sucks living alone. It's horrible, and boring, and lonely and sad. ):
I don't think i've ever been depressed, but last week I was pretty close to a depressed state, I think. I was worried, I wasn't eating, I was crying every day, multiple times a day, I felt hopeless and stressed and all I wanted to do was lay down and sleep for a long time. I sat in my car and stared out at the ocean and talked to myself for a good 30 minutes about how much I sucked and how much everything sucked and how I was so fucked.
The week ended, and a new one started. I took a day off work to sleep some more. Then, things started to get better. Slowly, very slowly. I got job offers, I was reminded how fucking amazing I am in every single fucking aspect. I was reminded that I am so fucking amazing. I am so smart, so caring, so clever. I was reminded that I am okay. That things could be a lot worse. I currently have 2 dollars in my account, but everything is paid for. I have money for rent, I have food, I have my expenses set for this month.
I have job offers! Two, three job offers that I would have never gotten if I wasn't so hard working, so smart, so charismatic. I did it because I am awesome. This isn't just about how cool I am, but a reminder to myself that shit gets fucking horrible and sometimes all you see is black and you're wading in a pool of black sludge and you can't breath and you can't get out and you can't even lift your head to get a full breath before you're sucked under struggling to breath. Then, all of a sudden, shit starts to get easier. Breating is easier, floating is easier, living is easier.
Life is literally an ocean that ebbs and flows and sometimes it's a fucking storm that pulls you under, and sometimes, it's so calm, and so beautiful, it makes you want to cry.
El Nopal
creo que soy un nopal. El otro dia vi una foto de un nopal. Rojo, con sus espinas, y se veia como un corazon, y pense "yo soy como ese nopal, soy un nopal" no one touches me, no one approaches me, because I look threatening pero como un corazon, como un paradox, o algo. Soy un nopal, porque creci onde todo se quema, onde todo se muere. So un nopal porque creci onde no debia de crecer. Sali del suele seco, con alluda de la tierra, de la lluvia que cae cada 100 dias. Sali del suelo y me forme como pude. Habia oido hablar de los corazones, me imaginaba como eran. Su forma, so color, su passion. Creci como pudia para ver me como debia. Sali, roja, malformada, maleducada, malimaginada. Sali, y Creci como no debia. Soy Nopal, porque creci onde no debia, creci onde la tierra estaba seca, y el sol fuerte y veia todo que se muria. Soy nopal, porque sobrebivi, me forme como pudia, y sali different, original. Soy nopal porque nobody fucks with me.
oh Mexico, we were so close. And it all slipped away so quickly. ):
you told me I was pretty
but I don't see it, which is weird, because in that moment I completely forgot about my confidence. Which is funny because isn't your confidence supposed to sky rocket after that? I've wanted you to like me for so long, that when it happens i can't believe it and I keep expecting you to say that you're seeing someone and i'll smile and say "Aw, that's great!"
