#shatteredremnantsofnothing

[shatteredremnantsofnothing-blog]

Anxiety and Panic are Knowledgeable Bitches

You see, they've taught me a plethora of things I wouldn't have known without them.

For example:

I can actually have a panic attack over something that is happening a year from now. I am currently in the throes of this.

I can literally be in the middle of a very happy moment and go into a panic attack that makes me feel as if I'm miserable and possibly dying.

All of those people in whatever room I'm in? Yeah, they're talking about me.

Don't walk into any place first, ever. People always stare at the first person to enter into a building - such as a restaurant.

Crowds? Why do I need crowds when I can just sit home and not wear pants and then become agoraphobic? Doesn't that sound like more fun?

Psychology may help me understand my brain better, and as such my disorders, but it doesn't actually help me fix them - and medication is a stop gap measure, things my Anxiety and Panic love to remind me of.

I've learned to feign confidence, normality and how to seem perfectly fine in the midst of gut wrenching panic.

I could go on. You see, fantastic fucking teachers.

[shatteredremnantsofnothing-blog]

Sweet Solace

To the world I’m a savior. Atlas. I carry the burdens of those I love and even those I don’t know well, but it’s who I am. The voices in my head are deafening, screaming, pounding in my mind against my skull, but clasping my hands over my ears is ridiculous, because the chaos comes from within.

The only solace to be found is in submission. Glorious, beautiful submission where I don’t have to think, just do. I don’t have to decide, just be. I don’t have to micromanage just feel. Liberation is sweet and succulent, the voices being drowned out with each command, and sting of the hand across my ass.

The weight of the world lifting with each beautiful action tinged with just enough pain to erase the numbness that holds my outside mask in place. It finally falls with a thud, leaving behind the little girl within who just needs desperately to feel something, anything, besides everyone elses afflictions.

Relief as the voices fall silent. The storm within my soul settles, and I find peace in the hands of dominance. Peaceful, wonderful bliss if only for a short while.

[shatteredremnantsofnothing-blog]

Just Breathe

Two words. Seems simple enough, does it not? Ah, don’t be fooled. Respiration is easy and effortless for most of us who are capable of doing so without machines or medications, but breathing (figuratively) is a whole other beast. I inhale and forget to exhale. The dizziness and burning in my lungs reminds me to let the air out with a violent ‘whoosh’ more often than I care to admit. Taking in a deep breath can be painful, I become hyper aware of the beating of my heart and how fragile life really is, but still I wonder what would happen if I … just … stop … breathing? Yet I already know. I’ve seen the aftermath in the wake of someone who decided to just stop, and though I would leave but a few behind that would be affected deeply, I couldn’t bear to have my Legacy be one of pain, of regret and ‘if only I would haves.’ No. I’m too damned stubborn. Too resilient. So until it becomes effortless again, I’ll do what is sometimes the most difficult thing a human being can do and just breathe.