Jun 2
“What if you die—“
“And I’m still here?”
“Well, then you’ll be all grown up.”
“And you won’t need me anymore!”
“…I think I’ll always need you”
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“What if you die—“
“And I’m still here?”
“Well, then you’ll be all grown up.”
“And you won’t need me anymore!”
“…I think I’ll always need you”
“I saw the tv glow” aka latching onto the rare representation you have.
Spice would fucking love Saiki k. He’d take one look at him and go “he’s so me fr” then try to find all content he could for the character.
What is Spices biggest problem as a kid? Not fitting in and being bullied heavily for it. He’s trying so hard to be “normal” so he isn’t hurt.
And what’s the show all about? The main character trying to hide his “abnormality” and seem like a normal kid.
The show would be his comfort show to watch when beaten up, comfort manga to read when his in the hospital from his health problems, it would be his go to escapism. Because damn he wishes he had those friends Saiki does. Damn he wishes his abnormality was basically being a god. Maybe he can escape his shitty home life for a fantasy for at least a couple hours.
He’d commit so hard to a cosplay for the dude that he’d dye his hair.
Likely more art to come about this
@super-sick-clique as requested— Sam, and/or Autumn!
Those two suggested together can only ever result in angst art of them u-u
And ofc have the obligatory walked in on Autumn warm up doodle
“Apologies”
Cw: Mentions of past abuse
| THIS USER IS NOT IN YOUR FRIENDS LIST, REPORT AND MARK AS SPAM? |
[YES]
[NO] <—
-8/11/xx 2:32 pm-
Throwaway333: Hey
Throwaway333: it’s Hark
Throwaway333: Sam gave me your user
-8/11/xx 2:34 pm-
Throwaway333: I’d like to talk with you over a call if you’re free and okay with it?
-8/18/xx 7:12 pm-
BigBrainedBirb719: Why?
-7:53 pm-
Throwaway333: if it’s not okay that’s fine
-7:55 pm-
Throwaway333: I don’t want to bother you
-8:02 pm-
BigBrainedBirb719: Why do you want to call me?
Throwaway333: easier to talk
Throwaway333: if okay
Throwaway333: if it isn’t that’s fine
BigBrainedBirb719: Can we text?
Throwaway333: I prefer not to
-8:07 pm-
Throwaway333: takes too long to do and I don’t like there being records of my conversations
BigBrainedBirb719: Okay
Throwaway333: but we can text if that’s better
Throwaway333: oh
Throwaway333: call is okay?
BigBrainedBirb719: yeah
-CALL STARTED 8:08PM-
-BigBrainedBirb719 joined-
“…”
“…”
“He-Hello?”
“Um, so, why uh. Did you uh want to… call me?”
“Oh- yeah- yeah ss-SS-sorry- sorry. I wanted to app-appolo- apologize?”
“You ok?”
“SS-ss-Sorry- just- really anx—sh-sh- anxious, about this.”
“Oh.”
“I wanted to app-apologize fuh-fuh-for— wanted to- wanted to apolog-guh-guh- FUCK!”
“Uh, take your time. I uhm, didn’t know you had a stutter?”
“Wa-wasn’t- wasn’t a prob- wasn’t a problem back the-then. Wasn’t-wasn’t sst-sstAh-Ss—
“…”
“…stressed! Wasn’t stressed bad enough, fuh fuh for it to sh-shah-show for it to show back then.”
“Oh—“
“I Swah—SWEAR I’m not do-doing this-SS-ss doing this for- for pity.”
“I uh I didn’t think you were, I’m sorry I’m stressing you out?”
“No- no- no- don’t, I’m thah-thah-the one apologizing— …fff-fff-fffuck” *laughter*
“…….”
“Sor-sorry, ckk-ckk-ckkk-CANT even sss-sss-swear!”
*nervous laughter*
“Ss-sorry.”
“It’s okay…? Uhm. You wanted to apologize for…?”
“fuh-for back then.”
“Oh.”
“I’m ss-ss-sorry for how I— hurt you”
“Hey you…uh. you didn’t know it was me. It’s okay.”
“Iss- iss- is it though?”
“…”
“And— and I’m— I’m- sorry for drilling suh-suh-such a strong— such a strong paranoia.”
“…it helped me survive back then. I don’t hold that against you.”
“Take the- tuh-tuhtah-take the apology damnit.”
“Sorry”
“Hauh, fuck”
“…”
“…”
“I uh. Don’t hold anything against you. I’m… anxious to talk to you cause of the events that uh. Happened around that time. It… it’s hard to think about. But uhm. It’s not you yourself”
“Guh-genuinely?”
“Yeah.”
“…”
“I uh, assume it’s Sam who wanted you to apologize?”
“What? No!”
“Really?”
“He— He— he was.. telling me I shouldn’t. Ack—Actually.”
“Oh.”
“…I’m suh- sorry if— if I brought back— brought— bad- brack— buh- Brought. Back. Bad. memories “
“It’s fine, I uh, I’m better at managing now.”
“…do— do— could— hm.”
“…?”
“Could we— meet up?”
“Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. Sureee?”
“Not— not now, but- sometime?”
“Yeah— Sure! Uhm, sure! Yeah we can”
“Juh-just. Tell me when, ok?”
“Tell you right now when we should meet?”
“No! In the fuh-future, if you ever would- would want to”
“Ok uhm, bye? I guess? Apology accepted?”
“O-k-kck-kckk-kay. Th-theh-thanks— Buh-buh-bye”
-CALL ENDED 9:14PM-
-9:54pm-
IGetKnockedDown: hey so Hark just apologized to me?
-10:01pm-
Sammyboi: what?
IGetKnockedDown: yeah so he texted me and then asked to call me
Sammyboi: that motherfucker
Sammyboi: THATS what he went outside 4
IGetKnockedDown: hey don’t get mad at him
Sammyboi: y not.
IGetKnockedDown: i actually I’m glad he apologized?
-10:08pm-
Sammyboi: I told him not 2 fucking bother you.
IGetKnockedDown: I’m not bothered
Sammyboi: u r fucking lying
IGetKnockedDown: I’m not
Sammyboi: sure.
-10:11pm-
IGetKnockedDown: Sam you don’t get to decide how I feel about the situation and what Hark does. I am glad he apologized because back then was actually pretty shitty and recently I couldn’t figure out why I was upset and it turns out I was actually still upset about back then and him apologizing actually helped.
-10:20pm-
Sammyboi: whtvr.
—
-11:03pm-
BigBrainedBirb719: Hey thanks for apologizing, it means a lot
Throwaway333: yw
-11:04pm-
Throwaway333: I hope you are okay Sam said you were upset
BigBrainedBirb719: he did?
Throwaway333: nevermind
—
-11:05pm-
IGetKnockedDown: are you lying to hark
Sammyboi: what
Sammyboi: no
IGetKnockedDown: ok
—
-11:06pm-
BigBrainedBirb719: Hey don’t trust what Sam may say about how I feel
Throwaway333: oh
BigBrainedBirb719: [Screenshotxxxx811].png
Throwaway333: I see
BigBrainedBirb719: Is he mad at you?
Throwaway333: eh
-11:09pm-
Throwaway333: when is he not nowadays lmao
BigBrainedBirb719: you’re in therapy right?
Throwaway333: yeah
BigBrainedBirb719: I’m glad
Throwaway333: it’s hard
BigBrainedBirb719: yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Throwaway333: lmao
-11:13pm-
BigBrainedBirb719: are you still going to use this account?
-11:16pm-
Throwaway333: if you still want to talk to me I won’t get rid of it
-11:17pm-
Throwaway333: I’m supposed to be working on my paranoia
BigBrainedBirb719: Yeah my therapist has been trying to help me with that recently too
-11:18pm-
Throwaway333: How long did it take you to find a good one
BigBrainedBirb719: oh, I just went to Rise’s therapist since they already trusted them why?
-11:20pm-
Throwaway333: it took me around seven to find one that didn’t blame me and only me for me and Sam’s relationship. Or one that kept telling me to leave Sam.
BigBrainedBirb719: oh.
BigBrainedBirb719: some really blamed just you, are you serious?
Throwaway333: yeah
BigBrainedBirb719: What the fuck
-11:23pm-
Throwaway333: idk maybe they were right
BigBrainedBirb719: No they aren’t.
-11:24pm-
Throwaway333: You're Sam's brother
Throwaway333: he talks to you a lot
BigBrainedBirb719: Yeah?
Throwaway333: you know a lot about us
BigBrainedBirb719: yeah I do
Throwaway333: you know how I acted
BigBrainedBirb719: yeap
BigBrainedBirb719: and I also know how Sam acted and still acts and I know he’s an unreliable source of events
-11:26pm-
Throwaway333: I hurt him and I hurt you too and you still don’t blame me for everything?
BigBrainedBirb719: I don’t blame you for everything, you did bad stuff, but so does Sam. You are making the effort to change. He isn’t
-11:28pm-
Throwaway333: when did you become so good at this
BigBrainedBirb719: i have personal experiences therapy is helping me with
BigBrainedBirb719: And Sam comes up for me in therapy cause of conversations we’ve had
Throwaway333: oh so you know how he can get
BigBrainedBirb719: yeah
Throaway333: ha.
-End of Log
Shaw got their license!
Have hark in car + shades
-=Nightmare=-
Cw: DISCUSSION OF PAST CHILD SEXUAL ASSAULT FROM VICTIM PERSPECTIVE. Discussion of past physical and sexual abuse. Heavy graphic language for violent fantasies towards abusers. Discussion of SH behaviors
-1:28am-
Sammyboi: hey.
Sammyboi: u up?
-1:32am-
IGetKnockedDown: yeah I’m here, what’s up?
-1:35am-
Sammyboi: tips on dealin w/nightmares & baddreamssss
IGetKnockedDown: ah
IGetKnockedDown: what kind of tips?
Sammyboi: make stop
IGetKnockedDown: there really isn’t any way to make them stop
Sammyboi: fuck
Sammyboi: fr?
IGetKnockedDown: yeah I’m sorry
IGetKnockedDown: if I knew a way, I’d be doing it myself
Sammyboi: fuckkkkkkkkkkk
Sammyboi: lighdamnit
Sammyboi: I fkin hte this shti
IGetKnockedDown: you want to talk about it?
-1:47am-
Sammyboi: he ever tough u?
Sammyboi: touch*
Sammyboi: ritz
Sammyboi: him is who inment
-1:55am-
IGetKnockedDown: yeah, he threw me into things. He uh he used to hold me down and tear out my feathers, or uh um uh he’d, he’d uh, he’d dig his claws into me. Why?
Sammyboi: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sammyboi: jus wnodrin
Sammyboi: wondering*
IGetKnockedDown: oki
-2:04am-
Sammyboi: I ever tell u bout my first bf?
IGetKnockedDown: hark? Yeah
Sammyboi: he don’t count
Sammyboi: weren’t in a relationship bk then
IGetKnockedDown: Oh
IGetKnockedDown: Then no you didn’t
-2:13am-
Sammyboi: was a catfolk
Sammyboi: drifter yk?
Sammyboi: yk who drifters r?
Sammyboi: big?
IGetKnockedDown: yeah. sorry. Thought you were asking rhetorical question. I know who they are.
Sammyboi: oki
Sammyboi: I met him after hark got fride
Sammyboi: he was rlly nice
Sammyboi: helped me have a place 2 stay an food
Sammyboi: told me I was pretty
Sammyboi: tauht me drifter lifestyle an ways
Sammyboi: also taught me other thigns
-2:22am-
Sammyboi: didn’t rlly realize what it was
-2:28am-
Sammyboi: big?
Sammyboi: still there?
IGetKnockedDown: yeah, do you want me to reply more?
Sammyboi: plz
Sammyboi: scared
IGetKnockedDown: oh
IGetKnockedDown: 🫂
IGetKnockedDown: what’s scary?
Sammyboi: talking
Sammyboi: talking abt this
IGetKnockedDown: you don’t have to
Sammyboi: I want 2
Sammyboi: hark knows
Sammyboi: but
Sammyboi: it’s hark
Sammyboi: he reacted thn & he’s scary 2
IGetKnockedDown: this have to do with your nightmare?
-2:47am-
Sammyboi: he fcked me
IGetKnockedDown: oh
Sammyboi: hed like
Sammyboi: b vry touchy
Sammyboi: pet me
Sammyboi: told me wht to wear
Sammyboi: lotta stuff tht showed skin
Sammyboi: pull me in2 his lap
Sammyboi: or wrap arm around my side
Sammyboi: hed call me cute when I was confused bck then abt the touching
Sammyboi: asked me 2 sleep naked w/him
IGetKnockedDown: Sam I’m sorry
Sammyboi: thn would touch
Sammyboi: not like it was ur fault
IGetKnockedDown: you were what, thirteen?
Sammyboi: 14 I thik
IGetKnockedDown: Sam I’m so so sorry
Sammyboi: plz don’t do that
Sammyboi: don’t react lik tht
Sammyboi: plz
IGetKnockedDown: sorry
-3:02am-
IGetKnockedDown: I had a uh, there was a costume designer that would put me in outfits that would show a lot of skin, and I enjoyed the outfits mostly, but then people started uh stared? They stared or then they’d start like grabbing at me sometimes. I hated it cause it would always startle me and scare me and then people started calling me things and it was a whole mess.
Sammyboi: damn
Sammyboi: makes sense ngl
IGetKnockedDown: Ah.
Sammyboi: u get cornered?
IGetKnockedDown: not that I remember
Sammyboi: ah well
Sammyboi: hed get really horny smtimes
Sammyboi: pin me & yk
Sammyboi: told me I was amzing
Sammyboi: told me tht sex was how I comforted him
Sammyboi: touched me whnver I was upset
Sammyboi: said it was to comfrt & distract me
Sammyboi: usually I jst said I felt better 2 make him happy
Sammyboi: he was vry clingy
IGetKnockedDown: how long was he your boyfriend?
Sammyboi: 6 months? Idk
Sammyboi: he left me
Sammyboi: guess I wasn’t pretty enough 4 him anymore
Sammyboi: was alwys scared hed leave me 4 som1
Sammyboi: I tried rlly hard 2 keep his attention
Sammyboi: Still don’t know what I did wrong
IGetKnockedDown: 🫂
-3:13am-
Sammyboi: is it wrong 2 say I miss him?
IGetKnockedDown: No
IGetKnockedDown: I get that honestly
Sammyboi: u miss Him?
IGetKnockedDown: he was the first person to acknowledge my talents.
IGetKnockedDown: I miss his praise
Sammyboi: yea
Sammyboi: I miss his praise too
Sammyboi: he made me feel like I wasn’t some1 horrible who got his friend killed
Sammyboi: I’d ask him to touch me smtimes
Sammyboi: whn I saw him flirting w/ other people
Sammyboi: cause maybe if I did well enough hed stay
Sammyboi: & he’d still love me
Sammyboi: cause if he left then I didnt have any1 anymre
Sammyboi: I have dreams he’s touching me
IGetKnockedDown: nightmares?
Sammyboi: I guess
Sammyboi: smtimes they’re nightmares
Sammyboi: smtimes it’s not
Sammyboi: is tht weird
IGetKnockedDown: no, again, I really get that too
IGetKnockedDown: I REALLY do
Sammyboi: like yea, it hurt sometimes
Sammyboi: but we’d watch movies & make out
Sammyboi: smtimes theybwere scary movies & hed hold me & tell me there was nothing 2 b scared of
Sammyboi: hed do my hair
Sammyboi: dress me up
Sammyboi: I felt PRETTY
Sammyboi: I felt so nice when he would hold me
Sammyboi: I fcking miss him
Sammyboi: I miss him so much
Sammyboi: & I can’t ever talk hark thy
Sammyboi: I can’t
Sammyboi: hed get mad
Sammyboi: or rly sad or worse
Sammyboi: Idk
Sammyboi: I’m sry
Sammyboi: I shouldn’t talk abthis
Sammyboi: didnt mean 2 bther u
IGetKnockedDown: Sam you aren’t bothering me, I’ll always be here to listen yeah? Does it make me hurt? A little, but cause yeah, I understand it. I understand it so so much.
Sammyboi: wdym
Sammyboi: rumors were true?
IGetKnockedDown: well no
IGetKnockedDown: but I get the whole missing the person who hurt you, and having dreams that aren’t nightmares with them
IGetKnockedDown: I have dreams where he holds me and preens my wings. Or where I’m performing and I see him grinning proudly from the side
-3:39am-
Sammyboi: gotcha
Sammyboi: well i have dreams whr he fcks me in frnt of a mirror
Sammyboi: making me watch
Sammyboi: & I don’t feel bad
Sammyboi: I jst feel good & beautiful
-4:03am-
IGetKnockedDown: ah ok
-4:05am-
Sammyboi: did I weird u out?
IGetKnockedDown: no
Sammyboi: u sure?
IGetKnockedDown: Yes
Sammyboi: rly sure?
Sammyboi: it’s rly weird shit
IGetKnockedDown: Sam. I guarantee you nothing you could say will weird me out
Sammyboi: wht if I said tht I’d draw me & him having sex
IGetKnockedDown: then I’m fine
Sammyboi: or tht he’d make me act inoccent & young like I didn’t knw what a dick was & touch me while I drew & that I liked it
Sammyboi: tht I liked all of it smetimes
Sammyboi: loved how he was so fixated on me
IGetKnockedDown: I’m not weirded out. You just found the attention you wanted and needed in uh the only person you had to give it to you
Sammyboi: y arnt u weirded out
-4:12am-
IGetKnockedDown: I had a boss who would choke me and cut me when I made a mistake And when hee wasnt around for me practicing, I would do the same to myself when I made uh made a mistake. Because it made my panic attacks from screwing up go away
Sammyboi: oh
IGetKnockedDown: I’d throw myself into things and uh bang my head into things because I wanted to feel the same way when he’d punish me
IGetKnockedDown: sometimes I liked the pain. it calmed me down? I still do it sometimes. yeah
Sammyboi: ah
Sammyboi: sh buddies letz goo /j
Sammyboi: sorry
Sammyboi: bad joke
-4:18am-
Sammyboi: big?
Sammyboi: you there?
-4:20am-
Sammyboi: haha funny number?
Sammyboi: biggggg I’m worrieddddddd
Sammyboi: scarin meeeeee
-4:24am-
IGetKnockedDown: I want to hurt him too a lot, I want to choke him and rip his scales off one by one while he’s tied up and spread out so I can stab him and dig my fingers into him. I want to tear him apart. Pull his teeth out and shove them down his throat. Rub dirt into every wound so I can finally hear him wail in agony. I wanna hear him plead for death so I can deny him that. I wanna hang him up by the throat and gut him and shove healing pills down his throat so I can do it over and over and over and over again.
Sammyboi: holy shit.
IGetKnockedDown: I just. I just mean that I understand sorta?
IGetKnockedDown: sorry, got caught up in voice to text.
Sammyboi: it’s fine.
IGetKnockedDown: also, you hurt yourself?
Sammyboi: uh.
Sammyboi: yea……?
IGetKnockedDown: I won’t be someone who judges you
Sammyboi: understood
IGetKnockedDown: can I know how?
IGetKnockedDown: I didn’t mean to take over. And you don’t have to tell me
-4:31am-
Sammyboi: wings. I pull feathers.
Sammyboi: I pull feathers out
Sammyboi: they bleed
Sammyboi: smtimes
Sammyboi: it looks pretty
IGetKnockedDown: okay
IGetKnockedDown: you take care of the wounds properly?
Sammyboi: yea
Sammyboi: I’m not stupid
-4:35am-
Sammyboi: yk I nvr told hark any of that
Sammyboi: I dnt evn thnk I told star all of it eithr
IGetKnockedDown: I’m glad I’m someone safe to talk to?
Sammyboi: ig
Sammyboi: does rise knw what u do 2 urself?
-4:40am-
IGetKnockedDown: Not that some of its from me
Sammyboi: damn.
IGetKnockedDown: they don’t need to know
Sammyboi: i feel honored smh
IGetKnockedDown: I’m not okay with it, I’m trying to stop it, my therapist is helping me.
Sammyboi: yea yea
Sammyboi: I’m not gonna snitch
Sammyboi: how u think I’d snitch when rise won’t fuckin talk 2 me.
IGetKnockedDown: didn’t mean it like that, just meant that I’m trying to heal
IGetKnockedDown: if you need anything just let me know okay?
IGetKnockedDown: I’m always here
IGetKnockedDown: doesn’t matter how dark the topic is, I’ll be here.
-5:12am-
IGetKnockedDown: I do appreciate you not saying anything to them though XD
-11:26am-
Sammyboi: ofc.
Sammyboi: snitches get stitches >:)
-11:31am-
Sammyboi: thz 4 listnjn last night
Sammyboi: helped a lot
IGetKnockedDown: 👍
—End of log
-= Children =-
Cw: implied past csa, implied past drug abuse, implied past physical abuse, implied past sexual abuse, unhealthy comparison of trauma, ableist views towards trauma, heavy swearing, implied past suicide
-3:41 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: <Photo of Ray, a 10ish year old looking racconfolk child cheering at the top of a jungle gym>
IGetKnockedDown: kids are cute
-4:01 pm-
Sammyboi: wdym
-4:13 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: like, it’s adorable how carefree they are?
IGetKnockedDown: Ray annoys me sometimes, but I guess I was to everyone else at that age. But I was adorable like most kids are right?
IGetKnockedDown: honestly it’s fun to play with them, it’s easier to understand what they want? Adults and teens are hard to talk to, kids are simple
-4:16 pm-
Sammyboi: big
IGetKnockedDown: Sam
Sammyboi: i need u to clarify RIGHT NOW.
IGetKnockedDown: ???
Sammyboi: cause rn u sound like my first ex
IGetKnockedDown: OH
IGetKnockedDown: NO
IGetKnockedDown: NOI LIKEw THAY
IGetKnockedDown: NVERE LIKE THATS SAM
IGetKnockedDown: by the void shade, not like that
Sammyboi: K good
IGetKnockedDown: I forgot about that, I’m sorry, I really should’ve clarified
Sammyboi: yea
IGetKnockedDown: sorry, I really am
Sammyboi: k
-4:18 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: is it okay for me to talk about Ray?
Sammyboi: I mean, as long as ur not trying to fuck some random kid
IGetKnockedDown: Oh, I haven’t talked about Ray at all with you
Sammyboi: yea no I have no clue who that is
IGetKnockedDown: sorry
IGetKnockedDown: yeah I get why you were worried now
Sammyboi: mhm.
Sammyboi: only thing u said bout any1 was that u were scared of hurting them from ur episodes
IGetKnockedDown: oh
-4:24 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: Well Ray is this raccoonfolk kid who woke up one day and decided we were gonna be best friends apparently, cause there was rumors that went around back when I first came back and was living with Rise that uh Rise and Willa had a demon slash vampire living in their place. So uh I guess then their place became a place to dare other kids into walking past at night
Sammyboi: ohh
Sammyboi: this kid went “there be a demon? Ima go be besties with it”??
Sammyboi: and IM the 1 with no self preservation
IGetKnockedDown: they’re bullied a lot, doesn’t tell me by who, but they’re like how I was as a kid if you remember back then
Sammyboi: oh
Sammyboi: ohhhhhhh
Sammyboi: so they saw u as someone who would get it
IGetKnockedDown: that’s what I think ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
-4:31 pm-
Sammyboi: wait ur a shutin
Sammyboi: how’d this kid talk to u
IGetKnockedDown: knocked on the door or uh tapped on my window to try and get my attention
Sammyboi: but u said those were triggers
IGetKnockedDown: yeah I did
Sammyboi: so are they?
IGetKnockedDown: they are
Sammyboi: …so.
IGetKnockedDown: so
Sammyboi: u had episodes cause of this kid
IGetKnockedDown: I have, yeah. The beginning of it was really bad.
Sammyboi: and now ur outside cause of them
IGetKnockedDown: yeah, it’s been hard, but ultimately they’ve played a helpful part?
IGetKnockedDown: gave me reasons to go try to outside
IGetKnockedDown: Ray’s got the cutest eyes you just can’t say no to
IGetKnockedDown: plus they’ve got such a strong curiosity for everything
Sammyboi: and this really isn’t…
IGetKnockedDown: It isn’t, I’d probably scrub all my skin off then set myself on actual fire if it was something like that
Sammyboi: jeez
Sammyboi: ok
IGetKnockedDown: I do get a bit possessive and paranoid about them though sometimes
Sammyboi: ?
IGetKnockedDown: feel like he is gonna hurt them if I don’t know where they are
Sammyboi: the dragon bastard?
Sammyboi: he’s dead
Sammyboi: it was on the news
IGetKnockedDown: hard for me to believe the news on something like that
Sammyboi: u think he faked it
IGetKnockedDown: sometimes, i mean you know what hark does for a living, the connections he has, the reputation you know who had in those spaces, ask hark how much it would cost him to fake your death or his own
Sammyboi: it was a pretty public death
IGetKnockedDown: ask him.
IGetKnockedDown: Hark of all people would know I’m not crazy for thinking that is a possibility
Sammyboi: yeah ig
Sammyboi: but ur not imaginary shadow friend went apeshit on him
-5:02 pm-
Sammyboi: do u not trust that the dude killed him?
Sammyboi: like
Sammyboi: the dudes dead
Sammyboi: clearly
-5:04 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: I don’t know that
Sammyboi: can’t u get confirmation from the shadow guy?
-5:05 pm-
Sammyboi: big?
-5:07 pm-
Sammyboi: biggggggg
Sammyboi: big
Sammyboi: B
Sammyboi: I
Sammyboi: G
Sammyboi: >:(
IGetKnockedDown: sorry, spaced out
Sammyboi: :D big!
Sammyboi: anyway
Sammyboi: cant u ask the shadow if he killed the bitchhhhhhhh
-5:10 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: that’s not the point
Sammyboi: then what is
-5:13 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: when you go to therapy yourself I’ll tell you
Sammyboi: fucking shades this shit again?
IGetKnockedDown: it helps yk
Sammyboi: just tell meeeeee
IGetKnockedDown: Go to therapy
Sammyboi: oh fuck u /lh
Sammyboi: tell me
IGetKnockedDown: Go to therapy /srs
Sammyboi: big I swear on fucking the void shade
IGetKnockedDown: Go to therapy and I will tell you
IGetKnockedDown: cause if I tell you now, you won’t understand.
Sammyboi: how the fuck do u know I won’t understand?
Sammyboi: just fucking tell me
-5:21 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: no
Sammyboi: I’m not going
Sammyboi: so u might as well jus ttell me
Sammyboi: othrewise u wont evr get to
IGetKnockedDown: I’m not comfortable telling you unless you’ve been in therapy first
Sammyboi: I DONT FUCKING NEED THERAPY
Sammyboi: I DONTNEEF A FUCKING SHRINK WHOD GONNA WERAK MY FUCKIGNLIFE
Sammyboi: IM NOT ALL TYPES OFFUCKING BATSHIT CRAZY TLIKE U
Sammyboi: HEAIRNG SHIT AND THINKING THAT PEOPLE ARE BAKC FROM TH FUCKING DEAD
Sammyboi: NEVR GOIN OUTSIDE CAUSE U APPRARENTYL THIK. A DEAD DUDE IS GOONA FINDU
Sammyboi: AND UNLIKE U
Sammyboi: I DIDNT CHOKE 1 of my brothers out from flying of the fucking handle over gettting shoved r sum shit
Sammyboi: so I don’t need that sshit
Sammyboi: u fucking asshole
Sammyboi: fuck u
-5:26 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: ikm gon a let yoi cool offf forma coupple houirs
Sammyboi: i don’t need 2 fucking cool off
IGetKnockedDown: okwy
IGetKnockedDown: ikm gonma caln meslef doenm tjen
Sammyboi: aw what’s wrong
Sammyboi: gonna hide in ur room?
Sammyboi: or r u gonna run off and change ur name again cause u can’t fucking handle the people u fucking abandoned?
Sammyboi: yeah don’t think I forgot that
Sammyboi: or can u not handle facing the truth that I’m not batshit like u?
Sammyboi: that I am FINE?
-5:31 pm-
Sammyboi: I can at least go and get a fucking job if I needed 2
Sammyboi: u just fucking leach off of Rise and the bunny bitch who’s 2 much of a pussy 2 fuck them or teach them wht a good time feels like
Sammyboi: who fucking bends over backwards abt u just cause ur blud is the same
Sammyboi: no wonder u got so hurt by Ritz and went batshit
Sammyboi: u didn’t know how 2 fucking do anything without the brain of the 2 of u
-5:48 pm-
Sammyboi: but I bet Rise would let u do whatevre to them or Willa and still forgive u
Sammyboi: they’d probably forgive u if u hurt that kid ur so posessive and creepy abt
Sammyboi: but I get disowned not u
Sammyboi: who’s probably killed someone
Sammyboi: and has actually fucking hurt them
Sammyboi: I get how it fuckin is
-8:37 pm-
IGetKnockedDown: Sam this is why I know you won’t understand, you get so defensive then you go and attack and I just, Sam what happened to you and hark wasn’t your fault, and you didn’t ask for all the stuff after you two were separated, I know you say mean stuff cause you’re trying to deflect and get me angry with you like you do with Hark or make me feel bad for you or I guess not want to talk to you, but I do still care for you, you’re still my brother even if Rise doesn’t call you one. It hurts, the stuff you say when you’re upset and lashing out hurts, but I’m still here.
-8:58pm-
Sammyboi: did hark put u up to all this?
IGetKnockedDown: no
Sammyboi: I bet he fuckn did
IGetKnockedDown: he did not
IGetKnockedDown: you got hurt just as much as I did over the years
IGetKnockedDown: in a different way, but we were both hurt and if I didn’t deserve it, neither did you
Sammyboi: well ofc I didnt deserve it
IGetKnockedDown: I just wanna see you start healling from it, I don’t want you to bottle it up and never have a healthy view on things. If not for yourself then for hark?
Sammyboi: oh he did put u up to this
IGetKnockedDown: Sam he didn’t, I’m saying this because I am worried about the two of you. I know he’s in therapy, but a healthy relationship needs effort on both sides
Sammyboi: ah yeap
Sammyboi: so he did
Sammyboi: I’m not damaged like u or him
Sammyboi: I dont need a shrink
IGetKnockedDown: Sam
Sammyboi: u dont get to say anything about me and harks relationship
Sammyboi: not with u having crushed on Ritz
Sammyboi: so Id really fuckin appreciate it if u would hop of my ass about it
Sammyboi: I get enough of that shit from Hark
IGetKnockedDown: fine
IGetKnockedDown: I’m gonna go to sleep now, and have my phone on silent, so uh, I won’t be able to answer anything you send. Okay?
Sammyboi: ok
IGetKnockedDown: okay
-2:23 am-
Sammyboi: hey I’m sorry.
Sammyboi: U were right
Sammyboi: I didn’t mean all that shit earlier
Sammyboi: I shouldntve sent any of it
-2:27 am-
Sammyboi: I was just rlly mad cause the therapist ruined me and Harks relationship
Sammyboi: and I don’t want to lose the only family I have left
Sammyboi: but I prbly will fuck this up too
Sammyboi: I’m sry
Sammyboi: I don’t mean 2 be like this
Sammyboi: ur probably mad at me and I get it
Sammyboi: I’m fucking horrible to everyone and everyone prbly hates me
Sammyboi: I’m shitty but im sorry
Sammyboi: i rlly don’t wanna fuckin lose u too
-2:51 am-
Sammyboi: it’s funny? The cat bird bartender Autumn hung around at least had the decency 2 be honest abt hating me
Sammyboi: i just rlly wanted to make u feel bad ealier
Sammyboi: I don’t know y
Sammyboi: I’m sry
-3:12 am-
Sammyboi: that’s a lie
Sammyboi: Ik y I wanted 2
Sammyboi: cause every1 welcomed u back with open arms
Sammyboi: it’s alwys “poor big!”
Sammyboi: and harks like a kicked puppy evry time I bring u up
Sammyboi: but u fucking left me
Sammyboi: I looked up 2 u and u fucking left
Sammyboi: rise nvr gave a shit about me
Sammyboi: u were 2 oblivious ig to realize they nvr liked me when we were kids
Sammyboi: they just tolerated me ig
Sammyboi: u never thought abt how leaving might have affected me
Sammyboi: and it hurts
Sammyboi: still
Sammyboi: i think it alwys has?
Sammyboi: idk
-3:20 am-
Sammyboi: ur not the same
Sammyboi: I miss when u would teach me magic
Sammyboi: or sing to me to help me sleep
Sammyboi: u dont even do any of that anymore
Sammyboi: magic and singing I mean
Sammyboi: I miss the old u
Sammyboi: that’s so shitty to say
Sammyboi: sry
-3:29 am
Sammyboi: I miss Autumn too
Sammyboi: wild shit for me to say ik
Sammyboi: u nvr saw him like how he was after u left
Sammyboi: I say that like he was better b4 u left
-3:31 am-
Sammyboi: I listen 2 the voicemail sometimes
Sammyboi: I haven’t shown u it
Sammyboi: but
Sammyboi: it’s the 1 he left b4 he did the grand ol backwards shuffle off the mortal coil
Sammyboi: me and rise were abt 2 watch a movie
Sammyboi: and I just declined the call
Sammyboi: saw that he left a voicemail
Sammyboi: and then I lied abt when I got it
Sammyboi: fuck WHY DID I LIE ABOUT IT
Sammyboi: light that was so fucken stupid
Sammyboi: I didnt know he’d been fucken wanting 2 die
Sammyboi: he had left me drunk ramble voicemails all the time
Sammyboi: how the fuck was I supposed to know?!
Sammyboi: fucken HOW.
Sammyboi: Rise fucekn expects me 2 have known everything??
Sammyboi: come ON
Sammyboi: how is it my fault??
-3:47 am-
Sammyboi: fuck I miss both of u
-3:58 am-
Sammyboi: I miss how he’d alwys make sure my shirt was buttoned right b4 I went to school
Sammyboi: I alwys left the top one undone
Sammyboi: and he’d fix it
Sammyboi: and I’d huff about it
Sammyboi: like I wasn’t just gonna unbutton it when I got to school
Sammyboi: and he’d try straightening the loose hairs
Sammyboi: but there was alwys so many
Sammyboi: so I’d swat him away after like
Sammyboi: the 4th hair tuck?
Sammyboi: I fucken miss him
Sammyboi: why’d he have 2 fucken do that
Sammyboi: I just wanted him 2 not fucken drink
Sammyboi: I would’ve talked 2 him if he stoped
Sammyboi: that’s all he had 2 fucken do
-4:43 am-
Sammyboi: u went to bed at 8
Sammyboi: honestly scared abt when ur gonna wake up
Sammyboi: unless ur ignoring me
Sammyboi: fuck
-5:01 am-
Sammyboi: haven’t slept
Sammyboi: obviously
Sammyboi: prbly shouldg
Sammyboi: whtevr
-9:27 am-
IGetKnockedDown: Sam I’m sorry. I hadn’t thought about how me leaving would affect any of you. I didn’t know you’d looked up to me that much. I guess I didn’t know a lot of things. I thought I knew everything about the world back then. About how the world worked I mean. I didn’t really realize I guess everything you three went through? You rise and Autumn. I was just so focused on my own pain and wanted an escape I didn’t think of you or rise. I wanted to hurt Autumn. That I do remember. I wanted him to feel the pain of my absence because of how he yelled and and how he screamed at me to hide everything about myself and always asked me why I couldn’t just do the simple thing of following the rules. Sorry, side track dumping. Sorry. Is it a bad time to ask if you want to come visit? Go by the cafe? It’s alright if you don’t. I pushed on you too hard. I just keep seeing you hurt so much, and I want to help but I know it’s not as simple as hugging it out and having a good cry together. Anyway. Whenever you see this, hopefully you got some sleep. Sleep deprivation sucks and does really bad things to people, I think there’s gummies rise got me for my bad episodes that I can share with you if you want? They like have some sort of vitamin or something in them that knocks you out, the stuff your body makes when it’s supposed to go to sleep or something. Not sure. Yeah. Just text me back alright?
-1:01 pm-
Sammyboi: 2morrow k?
Sammyboi: or 2nighr?
IGetKnockedDown: tonight if you want, either works, whichever you can do.
IGetKnockedDown: you get some sleep?
Sammyboi: yea
Sammyboi: passed out
Sammyboi: I’ll b there 2night
IGetKnockedDown: don’t text and fly okay? /j
Sammyboi: lollll
—End of log
-= Ropes and Feelings =-
-11:34pm-
Sammyboi: Soooooo
IGetKnockedDown: Yeah?
Sammyboi: U care at all about me and Hark?
IGetKnockedDown: I care thta you two are happy, something happen?
Sammyboi: No
Sammyboi: Nothing bad
Sammyboi: Rise just used 2 get grossed out if I talked about the stuff me & him got up 2
IGetKnockedDown: What stuff?
Sammyboi: Sec stuff
Sammyboi: Sex*
IGetKnockedDown: ohhhhhhhhhhh
Sammyboi: if it bothers u then yk, I wont talk about jt
IGetKnockedDown: no no its fine
IGetKnockedDown: you know I’ll listen to anything you wanna talk about
IGetKnockedDown: what specifically about you and Hark is going on?
IGetKnockedDown: with that I mean
Sammyboi: Been getting in2 rope stuff with him
IGetKnockedDown: Oh! That’s fun
Sammyboi: Yea i like it
Sammyboi: He’s a bit scary tho soemtimes
IGetKnockedDown: you’re using safe words and making sure the ropes aren’t pinching nerves right?
Sammyboi: ???
IGetKnockedDown: you two aren’t using safe words?
Sammyboi: no we r
Sammyboi: but how’d u know
IGetKnockedDown: I told you earlier that it was fun?
Sammyboi: U got tied up? And liked it?
IGetKnockedDown: Yeah? It’s fun? The pressure is nice and comforting
Sammyboi: pffffffft
Sammyboi: Ngl I took u to still be a virgin
IGetKnockedDown: Excuse you, I’ll have you know I gave it a try and it didn’t seem worth the energy or effort. Being tied up and held and snuggled was better
Sammyboi: damn
Sammyboi: Bro really is living up to the Ace reputation, you like cake too? /j
IGetKnockedDown: I do actually
Sammyboi: J. /J! It was a joke
IGetKnockedDown: I know, just saying.
Sammyboi: So. Bondage. U really in2 it?
IGetKnockedDown: used to have the wraps and ties on under my clothes sometimes when I went to practice, debated on visibly incorporating some into my performance outfits
Sammyboi: wait fr?
IGetKnockedDown: kept me calm and made practice easier to focus on, didn’t screw up as much
Sammyboi: huh
Sammyboi: never thought u would be in2 kinky stuff
Sammyboi: never had ✨the vibe✨
IGetKnockedDown: I never had, “✨the vibe✨”?
Sammyboi: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ there’s usually a vibe
Sammyboi: U srsly don’t like it with sex tho?
IGetKnockedDown: just being restrained and squeezed with wrappings while I’m cuddled and or kissed is better.
Sammyboi: weird
IGetKnockedDown: I like just being held and knowing I’m cared about and safe and no one’s gonna hurt me.
Sammyboi: Damn can’t relate /j
IGetKnockedDown: >:( what’d I say about those jokes
Sammyboi: well ANYWAY
IGetKnockedDown: >:|
-12:11am-
Sammyboi: sooo
IGetKnockedDown: what
Sammyboi: who tied u up and gave u kisses and cuddles 🤨
-12:25am-
Sammyboi: Big?
Sammyboi: Hey
-12:28am-
Sammyboi: *pokes with stick*
Sammyboi: Cmon do something… /j
-12:33am-
Sammyboi: Who was the cuddle kinky buddyyyyyyy
-12:39am-
Sammyboi: 🥺
Sammyboi: I wanna know whom my bother may have been in loveeeeeee with 🥺🥺🥺🥺
Sammyboi: and whether or not i need 2 sic Hark on them for breaking my brother’s ❤️ if that what happened
-12:44am-
IGetKnockedDown: I don’t want to talk about it.
Sammyboi: Oh come on
Sammyboi: u can’t just suddenly drop the fact that ur apparently a well knolgded/experienced kinkster and not talk about who u were kinky with
-12:52am-
Sammyboi: Big
IGetKnockedDown: I said I don’t want to talk about it.
Sammyboi: 🥺
IGetKnockedDown: Drop it.
Sammyboi: no 🙃
IGetKnockedDown: I’m seirous
IGetKnockedDown: I realy donr eanna ralk anout it.
Sammyboi: 🙃🙃🙃
IGetKnockedDown: Sam plz
Sammyboi: oh shit
Sammyboi: was it HIM?
IGetKnockedDown: No.
Sammyboi: then who??
IGetKnockedDown: If you’re not goinf to stop, I’m going to go take a shower and cry. Leave it.
-1:02am-
Sammyboi: Sry
Sammyboi: I’ll drop it
IGetKnockedDown: Thank you
-1:24am-
IGetKnockedDown:
So Hark’s scary sometimes?
Sammyboi: Well.
—End of Log