Shawdios

Aromantic Allosexual Artist! My Main posting platform is YouTube. But here is for all the non-video art and content!

[shawdios]

Prison cuddles (been on a cuddle art kick apparently) I didn’t draw their wings because they would just cover all our posing hard work. >:(

This is incredibly meaningful for the two of them, it signifies a milestone in their bonding with each other being repaired.

Why?

Holly was touch repulsed to any contact with Flame. Any. Touch. She would jerk away and go so far as to run off and wash the area of contact.

So, cuddling? That’s a massive amount of contact, prolonged contact too. The fact that she’s able to handle that means Flame has no longer been placed in the category of “demon who will taint my purity”.

And that means so much to Flame. Because they used to be really good friends before she got sucked into Silver’s cult. Before the naive and suffering from neglect and painful memories child that Holly was asked for that pain to be taken away from her. (Unknowingly “asking” for Memories to be erased via Silvers mind magic) chunks of Flame being a good friend to her along with it since it came about from her having to navigate living by herself and taking care of herself at 8-12 years old when her caretakers “left”.

No one knew this. She lied and made convenient excuses for why Flame and Rise couldn’t go over to her caretakers place anymore. Then those memories were erased and that leaves Silver with the knowledge. Who’s eventually killed.

Autumn never knew, flame never knew. Rise had theories, but they were wrong about what it was.

She knows she knew Flame. He acted as if they were once really close. She had knee-jerk reactions that couldn’t be explained by anything else. But she couldn’t actually remember any clear memories with him. Just foggy ideas and the concept of them previously being friends as children.

And she never regains those memories. She knows she’s lost something, but there’s no one alive who can tell her what it was. Or at least, anyone other than Oak, the former employer of her own caretakers. But he knows very little about who her caretakers were to her and how she was treated. He can tell her about who they were, but nothing of her memories with them or what her relationship with them was truly like.

Anyway. Flame doesn’t know any of this. Not until they’re locked up together and there’s nothing left to do but talk to each other. Holly’s views of the cult that took her in and cared for her had been shattered by this point, and she doesn’t view Flame through the lens’s drilled into her to interpret everything through. So she’s actually talking to him on amicable terms. And it’s the first time she’s had the chance to talk one on one with Flame. First time they are forced to be vulnerable with each other.

They argue, they cry. Blame for their situation gets tossed around. And eventually Flame tells her of how they were friends, the escapades of what they got up to, and just how much he cared for her back then and how much he wished that they’d talked like this before they’d both basically been doomed to a slow and painful death.

And in return she tells him about the gap in her memories. How she felt like she knew him deeply but didn’t remember how that happened. Just that they were friends, yes, and feeling like he was this horrible thing to keep away from herself. How she felt such emotional pain for an unexplainable reason whenever she thought about when she was younger and by proxy, their childhood friendship.

Resulting in several upon several misconceptions about each other being cleared up and two very systemically abused, childhood to adulthood traumatized and suffering adults clinging to each other for comfort, longing to know each other again.

Holly whom is incredibly touch starved for ANY touch, and Flame whom is incredibly starved for non hostile contact from anyone other than Rise (And his other two brothers too, but he actually shares a bed with his twin and cuddles with them, so.)

Flame doesn’t forget the hurt Holly caused him, the destruction to his sense of identity, self perception, and his body. But him and his massive perpetually bleeding compassionate heart won’t allow him to deny her attempts to repair what she can. If she’s genuine, he’ll give her the chance of friendship. The romantic feelings he had for her as a teen were long since killed, but he still cares about her.

Their relationship is one on good terms, especially after Flame’s barely survived burning alive and her spending every moment she can doing what she could to help him recover. Alongside her drive to keep their relationship never faltering like all those around him (except for rise) when he was changed so deeply (and visibly) by the experience.

She never stops trying for him. Trying to better herself as a person, trying to make up for the hurt she caused, and trying to heal what she can. She puts effort into healing both herself and their relationship. Because she knows so much of this came from her own painful experiences.

She’s there for him after Autumns suicide. Something that shakes him horribly because Autumn never visited him during the entirety of his recovery while he was conscious. How come Holly was the one who put effort into healing the hurt she caused, but not his own family. Why was she the one spending the most time with him. (Other than Rise) Why didn’t Autumn try?

:3

All this on top of it being a AlloAce for (repressed) AroAllo relationship.

Anyway. Their relationship is so scrumptious to delve into. Hehe

[shawdios]

HARK AND SAM COSPLAYING YELLOW AND BLUE.

Cough spicy art of Hark and Sam below the cut from a while back that is why i pointed at Yellow and Blue and went- >:O

[shawdios]

Teef study! + a living hairdryer.

Autumn recoils, slapping the hand off him. “No it— meat makes me sick.”

A chortle of laughter and the slapped hand returns to his side. This time, the knuckles massage near his hip. “Things die, why waste—“

“No!” He practically yells. “Hrggggg you—“ Autumn balls his fists up and tenses, squeezing his eyes shut. Why can’t Silver understand such a simple thing. He shakes them a couple times, releasing the tension in his body.

Autumn lets out a sharp breath. “My body. It physically can’t. Cooked, raw, fish, cow, whatever.” Autumn gestures sharply downward with each added source. Then he waves them horizontally in an X. “I can not process it. I’ll get sick.”

—————

There's disgust in Silvers voice, “It wasn’t the most pleasant when finding fresh dead was unfruitful and we had to cut into those still clinging to life or resort to more…” He wiggles his fingers before clutching his hand close. “decayed sources of food.”

Autumn ignores the implications of the still clinging to life part of the statement for his own mental wellbeing. But…

“An’ none of you got sick?” Autumn sharply asks, his horror at the confirmation of consuming rotting meat compelling the question. “There’s parasites also tryin’ to feed that could severely—“

Silver shrugs. “Not really. Some did.” He turns and smiles widely, baring his more pronounced in the gum area canines. Teeth Autumn didn’t even have himself. “But I’m still here aren’t I?”

Silver’s sassy ass is SO fucking fun to draw.

Fun fact, Silver’s avian traits are of a Vulture, and Autumn’s are of a Pigeon.

How that translates over for being creatures with teeth? Silver has canines and Autumn does not. There’s still teeth THERE in autumns mouth where canines would be, they just aren’t canine shaped.

(There’d be two more incisors on top and bottom, and maybe one set of premolar teeth.)

And mind you, Silvers teeth aren’t “OOOO VAMPIRE sharp teef!!!” They’re normal canines, just pushed around a bit because smh

Prominent canines aren’t a weird thing.

Silvers jaws simply aren’t as narrow as mine are, and thus his middle four teeth have more space and aren’t crowded. Otherwise, his teeth aren’t all that different from a typical human’s.

*stares intently*

Be more fucking chill about teeth.

[shawdios]

Uhm.

LET FLAME BE KINKY

That is all. That’s the post

[shawdios]

There was maybe a little more to this post than first admitted

Flame lost his dick in the war btw u-u (he is completely unbothered by this. The agender royalty he is)

SUGGESTIVE + bare chest.

[shawdios]

Sweeny Todd AU of Hark, Sam, and Hunter!!!

Finally got around to posting this XD

[shawdios]

Jeff and Big cuddles part 2 electric boogaloo!

Big likes the cold nom noms. Teef Jeff much much more fren than owo eye Jeff. Jeff prefer teef because it’s fun and Big prefers it because :0

Writing related to this that’s merely a chunk of what’s to come:

“I see. Give me a moment, It’ll have to be a smaller version.”

“.////.”

“…”

“Oh. I—“

“….”

“No! No don’t change it! I like it!”

“You do.”

“Yes, I just— I was in a bit of awe. I really like it.”

“…do you prefer it?”

“Prefer it?”

“Yes, for speaking with me.”

“…………a bit.”

“May I ask why?”

“I dunno, your other one is cute. But this one looks more… you? Looks less sanitized for the public I guess.”

“Hm. Interesting.”

“Is it harder to maintain?"

“At this size? No. The mouth movement is a bit of a challenge, but I can always stick to a brief opening of my mouth, rather than mimicking the mouth aspect of speaking.”

“I really like this.”

“I’m glad. This one is more fun.”

“Are those claws?”

“Yes, people tend to be scared of those.”

“… can I touch any of it?”

“While I’m three dimensional?”

“Yes, please? But if it’s too magic instensive—“

[shawdios]

Jeff and Big cuddlesssssss!

That’s it, that’s the post.

[shawdios]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/88410881/chapters/235062786

(Mother fucker)

Chapter 20!!!!!

More Big and Jeff cuddles. This time a little more freaky of a discussion + Jeff & Shadow elemental lore.

Yes Big is lying behind the counter again. Bathed in void darkness. He’s fine.

[shawdios]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/88410881/chapters/234707536#workskin

https://archiveofourown.org/works/88410881/chapters/234708491#workskin

Chapters 18-19, aka Big and Jeff cuddles!

There’s a lot about Jeff and Big to dissect in these, and the relationship between them. Jeff fundamentally experiences the world differently and has different emotional experiences. Both due to being an elemental and due to existing for so long.

These cuddles are a very guilty pleasure for him though. :3

[shawdios]

Be prepared. Two chapters of Jeff and big cuddle content being uploaded to Ao3 soon on the Chat & Convo log work.

Expanded upon dialogue also potentially being written. Be afraid. Have a couple snippets, one from each chapter.

“I can— I feel everything, you’re cold. And the noises, it’s like it’s from—“

“Yes big?”

“it’s like… I hear everything from through my body.”

“…”

“I can hear my heart. I— I hear my blood.”

“Yes, there’s no other sound but what you and I make.”

Jeff cuddles are a fascinating thing to think of, and I deeply hope their dialogue exchanges are enjoyed and wonderfully received.

“Relax.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“Are you— rippling?”

“Is it pleasant? You once asked me to make the pressure vary and you were quite deeply relaxed from it.”

“Ye—yes. It’s. Haaaah. Really nice.”

“Now, now, I don’t want you to fall asleep haha.”

“Mmmm, why not. This is reallyyyy comfy.”

[shawdios]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Finally got around to posting all the chat/convo logs!

There’s quite a few tumblr has never seen in there, so be should to give it a good read. :3

As of currently there’s 15 chapters, all with Big as a central party in them.

It’s got Sam and Bigs text convos, texts with Hark, Jeff convos, a Ray convo (more to be written with them btw) and even one with Rise that DEFINITELY has not been seen before.

[shawdios]

-Part one-

[shawdios]

Part two.

This took me two whole ass mornings.

This kinda spurred into existence because I had been thinking about the fact that Autumn found and handled Silver’s corpse. (As referenced in this post)

And that would actually destroy him a lot.

Because he truly believed he could get Silver to change and Silver’s death was a very brutal one.

Now. Autumn has had no one in his life that was not his (kids) brothers that didn’t end up leaving his life. In Revo at least. Sugar took him in and raised him for the first 16 years of his life then left. Rust entered his life to help him with the twins and filled a bit of the hole Sugar left behind. Then Rust left and Autumn couldn’t follow her because he couldn’t fly and the (kids) brothers he had weren’t experienced enough to travel.

Silver was the most recent one who filled those holes. He could be honest about his existence around Silver and Silver understood him.

He had no one else that was a peer to him in his life that was close. People he may have befriended as a fellow “misspawn” either fled the country or were killed. And those remaining would resent him for being an enforcer. And he sure as hell doesn’t want to be close to enforcers and cult members.

Silver fulfilled what was practically a lifelong loneliness. A lifelong emotional and social connection isolation.

And again, his (kids) brothers didn’t count because they depended on him. He couldn’t be vulnerable to them, they were still just children. There wasn’t a single supportive connection in his life after Rust left. Not one didn’t distanced himself from to try and ease the pain. (Ie, Rusts apprentice and fellow blacksmiths)

Hyper independence strikes again.

And he’s depending on Silver now. Silver has control over withholding his finances, over the state of his family, his life.

Abuse is all Autumn knows, and Silver is someone he’s been forced to depend on. But there’s comfort in it. There’s a lot of pain. But some comfort. Silver orders him around, tells him what to do. And for once, Autumn doesn’t feel like he has no clue what he’s doing (what he felt towards his brothers) and feeling lost and aimless.

There’s a burried wish inside him that he didn’t have his family as something he had to worry about. Because raising his brothers was so many unknowns and “I have no clue what I’m doing, I’m still suffering, but they need me, I hate living like this.”

If he knew it wouldn’t have destroyed Rise and Big’s emotional state (and his own because he still loves his brothers), he would’ve given them to Rust.

Autumn is a teen parent and had little to no support for it. Rust helped for around three to four years. Then she left. And he had to scramble to figure out how to parent middle school age kids and then teenagers all on his own. While under what was nearly a police state.

I don’t know how to emphasize that he’d been so desperate for support. Especially emotional support. Something Silver gave to him a lot once he was Silver’s guard.

And then Silver is killed.

[shawdios]

-Part one-

[shawdios]

Social media is frustrating.

I work hard on a video, I work immensely hard. It eats up the entirety of several days. And it does worse than something I made in an hour.

And simply because it’s not something from a fandom, I’m already shot to shit.

I love those who actually engage. And I know there’s silent watchers who don’t comment. I love them too. But there’s times where it just feels like my art is absentmindedly liked and moved on from.

And I try to hold onto the mentality of making art for arts sake. Of making it for ME and my Bestie. But there’s only so much you can ramble about with ONE person. There’s only so much you can feel satisfied with when you spend hour upon hours on something. Where you poor your fucking heart into crafting a story.

It’s just now I’m realizing why this hurts so much and I probably need to write this down to bring up to my therapist. XD

Not to get deeply personal on main but—

No one really appreciated my art and writing growing up. I actually got called fucked up for what I was writing by my parents. My older sister said my art looked like shit, to which I reply my art looks better than yours now BITCH. (Me and her relationship is better on the art appreciation front, but still not great.) And nothing I showed my dad ever caught his attention.

My mother semi appreciated it. She always said with pride that because she homeschooled all of her kids that we all had the time to become great artists. Which I do agree with her on. But she also deleted videos from my YouTube channel simply because two characters were depicted as gay. In general she paid TOO MUCH of the wrong attention to her kids. So it didn’t feel like it counted.

My dad was who I chased the approval of. And well. Nothing I showed got any significant proud “good job” just a “oh cool” and then went right back to gaming. So I made art and played games that catered to his interests, that only got a slight little more attention.

My father never felt like a father. He felt like an older brother. Which is where the dynamic of Autumn with his “brothers” (let’s not deny that they basically were his kids) is proven to not be unrealistic. And like my older sister, I just was brushed off and semi ignored unless I catered to their interests. Nothing that were MY interests were given a shit about.

So yeah it makes sense why it hurts when my art and writing feels like it’s ignored or brushed off. My family was who I was isolated to be stuck with. And they never gave me emotionally fulfilling attention. So yeah the mentality of “I make this for me” HAD to be made. But it was just a desperate coping mechanism that now is just something you say to try and delude yourself into ignoring the hurt from being brushed off.

And it makes sense why I don’t feel a drive to make fanart anymore. I used to. I LOT. It was the only thing I ever drew for three years. Then I started writing my own characters, and i was obsessed with the art of my own creations. I blossomed in the paragraphs by paragraph roleplaying on Rpnation.com space. It was my OWN interest. And I never really drew fanart much again, because it felt like catering to other people’s interests.

Your childhood really affects you. It really does. And you don’t realize it a lot of the time until you’re out of the fucking nest and truely and deeply think about it.

Anyway. Gonna use the coping mechanisms my therapist has been teaching me. Just felt like this was something that needed to be said.

[shawdios]

Okay fuck I guess I’m not finished talking.

It’s also frustrating because there ARE people who do get recognized for their original work on social media. And then ofc, any media at all is a writers OCS. I have distain for how people treat fandom space and “OCS” as if “OCS” are lesser than “cannon” characters.

I guess if it’s a character inserted into a preexisting world, but that’s not LESSER.

Stop using OC as a derogatory term. You own original creations fucking matter. YOU MADE IT. It’s YOURS. Every single popular media is SOMEONES “ocs”

That’s why I use Original Characters, not “oc” because so many fandom space people treat “OC” as a derogatory thing.

But that’s not what I was meaning to go on a tangent about. People’s creations that aren’t regarded as things with popular fandoms, they’ve gotten the appreciation they deserve! What the fuck am I doing WRONG.

Every time I try to get any sort of meaningful appreciation from anyone that isn’t my best friend, it doesn’t fucking last. I miss the old days on rp forums where you had the needle in a haystack rp partner to gush with each other about the creation you were making.

I miss you RP partner who helped lay the foundation of Porcilavain world building and biology. I miss your questions that brought up concepts and places to flesh out their culture and homeland.

They’re to thank for the existence of Rise. They came so close to being cut from the story. But this partner and the role play shared between us helped me flesh out Big and Rise’s dynamic as children while they had the interactions with their characters. And I know they may never see this. They likely won’t. But you were amazing. You were someone that played a role in shaping my fucking life. Thank you for being in it, albeit briefly. I wish I never had been cut off from our friendship, which then drifted it ever so far apart.

I want to make something that resonates with people. But it’s not getting its way to those people.

Friends are hard to make. It’s hard to care. I coped so long with my stories that it’s become something so personal that to get to know me and my system as a whole? To get close to us? For us to feel like someone wants to be in our life? You have to get to know our characters and their stories.

And fuck I’m getting way too personal on main, but I crave connection.

[shawdios]

Social media is frustrating.

I work hard on a video, I work immensely hard. It eats up the entirety of several days. And it does worse than something I made in an hour.

And simply because it’s not something from a fandom, I’m already shot to shit.

I love those who actually engage. And I know there’s silent watchers who don’t comment. I love them too. But there’s times where it just feels like my art is absentmindedly liked and moved on from.

And I try to hold onto the mentality of making art for arts sake. Of making it for ME and my Bestie. But there’s only so much you can ramble about with ONE person. There’s only so much you can feel satisfied with when you spend hour upon hours on something. Where you poor your fucking heart into crafting a story.

It’s just now I’m realizing why this hurts so much and I probably need to write this down to bring up to my therapist. XD

Not to get deeply personal on main but—

No one really appreciated my art and writing growing up. I actually got called fucked up for what I was writing by my parents. My older sister said my art looked like shit, to which I reply my art looks better than yours now BITCH. (Me and her relationship is better on the art appreciation front, but still not great.) And nothing I showed my dad ever caught his attention.

My mother semi appreciated it. She always said with pride that because she homeschooled all of her kids that we all had the time to become great artists. Which I do agree with her on. But she also deleted videos from my YouTube channel simply because two characters were depicted as gay. In general she paid TOO MUCH of the wrong attention to her kids. So it didn’t feel like it counted.

My dad was who I chased the approval of. And well. Nothing I showed got any significant proud “good job” just a “oh cool” and then went right back to gaming. So I made art and played games that catered to his interests, that only got a slight little more attention.

My father never felt like a father. He felt like an older brother. Which is where the dynamic of Autumn with his “brothers” (let’s not deny that they basically were his kids) is proven to not be unrealistic. And like my older sister, I just was brushed off and semi ignored unless I catered to their interests. Nothing that were MY interests were given a shit about.

So yeah it makes sense why it hurts when my art and writing feels like it’s ignored or brushed off. My family was who I was isolated to be stuck with. And they never gave me emotionally fulfilling attention. So yeah the mentality of “I make this for me” HAD to be made. But it was just a desperate coping mechanism that now is just something you say to try and delude yourself into ignoring the hurt from being brushed off.

And it makes sense why I don’t feel a drive to make fanart anymore. I used to. I LOT. It was the only thing I ever drew for three years. Then I started writing my own characters, and i was obsessed with the art of my own creations. I blossomed in the paragraphs by paragraph roleplaying on Rpnation.com space. It was my OWN interest. And I never really drew fanart much again, because it felt like catering to other people’s interests.

Your childhood really affects you. It really does. And you don’t realize it a lot of the time until you’re out of the fucking nest and truely and deeply think about it.

Anyway. Gonna use the coping mechanisms my therapist has been teaching me. Just felt like this was something that needed to be said.

[shawdios]

I’m really proud of the art on this one. It took me several sketches to figure out how to draw Silvers body, and whether or not I wanted to draw him alive or not. Settled on him being dead already, or very close to dying.

NOW to ramble about detail choices!

Those dots on his cheeks, it’s popped blood vessels! When you are strangled with a cordlike object, your blood is trapped in your head and the pressure builds and builds till the vessels in your skin pop!

And for his death specifically, the vines had thorns on them, so those dug into his neck and nicked some serious veins, muscle, and tissue. So he was strangled and also drowning in his own blood. Hence his blood spilling from his mouth and the blood soaked ruffles.

I chose to avoid drawing his eyes, simply because in the sketches that I showed them— o-o u-u it looked like kinky art and him enjoying a good ol bondage strangle. And I TRIED. So hard. But he just refused to look like he wasn’t enjoying it!!! Damn you Masochist Silver! *shakes my fist*

And of course, for the trend, it has to be Autumn floating around Silver’s head. It also ties pretty nicely into Autumn killing himself in that timeline because Silver had died and his family doesn’t “need him” so he feels aimless. So, ghost Autumn returns!!!

The line art turned out amazing! Heheheheheheheheh

Ghost Autumn also barely took any time to sketch and lineart the frames of. Probably 30-45 mins. Hardest part was fucking animating Silvers swinging!!!!!!! Fuck you past me for deciding he was going to swing back and forth and autumns ghost wasn’t going to line up with thattttttttt. Timing was a bitch.

Autumns animation of going around silvers head loops twice. Meanwhile silver swings left, then right. And then the two loop at the same time. Fuck you past me. If I knew how to tween, this would be much better. But I do think there’s a charm to the choppiness.

I’ve wanted to draw the horror that is Silver’s death for a longgggg time. I actually have in the past but never truely captured it like this one does.

This is the only other time I’ve drawn it:

And its after Autumn returns to Silvers quarters to see what happened and he sees Silver hanging. Autumn cuts Silver down and pulls all the vines off. Then holds him.

And as he mourns the one person that understood him, Autumn wonders, in his incredibly biased opinion:

Because he believes that there was a way to cause change without any violence. Silver is dead. Flame is severely mutilated all because they wanted to assassinate Silver.

Was it worth it?

Autumn would say no.

(Especially with how the revolution results in a slaughter of all those who don’t join it)

[shawdios]

I’ve posted about this one before, however I didn’t share the frames.

There’s a couple of cut frames, mainly of Silver. But in the end I felt like showing Silvers expression or his face felt Wrong. Showing anything more than his hands felt Wrong.

Because that’s what Autumn would remember the most about the night, the touches and the jolts. His glasses were off and so he couldn’t really see Silvers face properly, it’s the touches he would have paid attention to!

This is one of the very few times, likely never again, that you will ever see Autumn’s bare chest. I don’t like depicting it and I go out of my way in poses for comics and videos to avoid showing it. (Aka why there’s always limbs blocking the view, a wing, him being faced away from the viewer, etc) Because it’s not something that’s Him.

And it’s one night. One night that explicitly and undeniably has to be described as rape. The three other times they have penetrative sex, it’s extremely dubious consent. But this one? Autumn was fighting, kicking, screaming. And it continued anyway.

That sticks to you. You will never forget that.

It ruined Autumns relationship with sex and intimacy. It ruined his relationship with his body. And it ruined his sense of how consent worked.

Theres a scene in the written form of the entire evening and night that leads up to this event, and it’s Autumn enjoying a form of sex with Silver. Yes dubious consent is involved but that’s a given due to the relationship dynamic. He finds that he is genuinely enjoying himself, enjoys being praised, takes PRIDE in what he was praised for, and ends up laying comfortably on top/next to Silver.

And it’s ruined. It taken and dragged through a bloody thorn thicket simply because of one bruise to Silvers ego. Autumn will never find that non-vengeful joy again in sex. He will never enjoy a cuddle with a partner again.

(Till Spice comes along and Autumn tries to turn Spice into Silver mark 2 electric boogaloo)

Sex and all his relationships going forward are now locked into being transactional. He learned that only his body is worth something, and maybe not even that. That it’s to be hidden or else it will be violated. That it won’t be enjoyed for what it is, simply for what it can pass as if you ignore bits and pieces.

Despite all this, he still in the end finds himself loving Silver because… Well. It was just one night.

Just one.

It’s fine.

*Gnashes my teeth* THERES SO MUCH DEPTHHHHHHHHHH I CANNOT WORD IT ALLLLLLLLLL