#shaw rambles

[shawdios]

Technically this is an unfinished piece since I haven’t added his scars, however, fuck that it’s too much to add to an already rendered piece.

There’s so much for me to say about this, from a story based symbolism lense and a meta lense. So, I’ll put most of it in a reblog once I can compose myself.

TDLR for now? Trans Man experience + Complex Abuse

Earlier sketches and wips under cut

[opulent-lawyer]

Me, whenever I see the defense attorney floundering (which is Always):

[shawdios]

Happy birthday to us! We are going to do a birthday stream but are unsure when to do it. Going to be playing a very on brand game for us >:]

[shawdios]

Woah Holly shit. Manic episode? Manic episode.

The colors be coloring

I can’t stop movinggggggg

Semi quit my job

Thank my bestie for helping me salvage it

Wooooo

Wish I could have the month and a half of paid off time I put in tho ;-;

WA

manic episodes are funnn

I can’t stop talking either I ramble and must speak evertyinhghggg

Must tell

Must speakkk

Wooooo

[shawdios]

Shaw got their license!

Have hark in car + shades

[shawdios]

Some more thoughts,

Hark doesn’t know what he would’ve wanted to study. (I honestly can’t think of anything fitting of him other than him not knowing) Yeah he’d be pushed into Political studies, yeah he’d be pushed into studying for taking a leading role in Business, but those are things his mothers would have wanted for him. He wouldn’t know what he wanted. Something he and Sam actually bonded over; the stress of being pushed to study things you didn’t particularly like.

In SASS he doesn’t particularly find anything academia related interesting or emotionally appealing. After all him and Sam are the epitome of “gifted kids intentionally drop out out of school to spite those putting Expectations on them”

He enjoys baking, and that’s enough.

Flint keeps coming to mind. He’s an example of “yes you had access to education, but the system that gave you this also restricted you and molded you to their liking” He would’ve definitely been an art major if he’d been given an education that WASNT in a shitstorm of politically charged indoctrination education and cultural distain for non Tool/Building based Arts. There’s a deep imbued shame for wanting to draw and use mediums to make something. And this mother fucker repressed and bottle shatters onto everyoneeeeeee else his emotional train wreck. He never pursued his interests, and if he did he got shamed for it (ie art). So yeah, he went with whatever made him fit in and look good socially to his peers and caretakers.

He just is a character I love to naw on for an exploration of how the people you grow up around affect your development of beliefs and bias and the importance of teaching people emotional regulation. And also the exploration of the fact that, yeah, people can be shitty then change for the better. Effects of Queer repression.

Fuck they are all just so interesting to explore! It’s been so long since I’ve rambled about them all.

[opulent-lawyer]

Thinking about changing my last name to something that isn't associated with the family that keeps sending assassins after me

[shawdios]

How was Autumns dependence on those around him while he was a child and what was the moment/ series of moments he realized how much he depended only on himself

He learned very fast to not depend on anyone.

As was the nature of spending your first formative months of ife on the streets.

No one cares for you when you are a misspawn. They all think you are a waste of space, so why would they help you.

Once Sugar found him, on the edge of freezing to death, she took him home and gave him all of the bare necessities. That when he started maybe changing that point of view.

Sorta.

He was hesitant to trust sugar. And once he did, he cared too much about her to “burden her with his unnecessary troubles”. His self worth was horrible and he was very self isolating. So he often would hide wounds from getting beat up while doing grocery runs for Sugar.

Sugar knew he hid wounds. He wore long sleeves in the summer and in a hot bakery, no one does that simply because it’s comfortable. But she didn’t want to call it out. Autumn needed to tell her on his own terms, she wasn’t going to interrogate him.

The thing is? Autumn just… never did. He never went to her with issues until they blew up and he’s a sobbing broken mess and she’s rushing in to help. He tried to handle everything on his own because he felt like he was too much of a burden on her.

There weren’t really moments where he realized that he depended only on himself in a “I’m self aware” way. But there were moments of “this is why I need to be self dependent”.

The first was getting thrown out of the first place he’d been taken in to.

Sugar never coming back is the second.

Rust leaving Flurmere is the third.

At that point, it was a solid brick foundation you couldn’t shake. But it’s moments where he lets his guard down, lets himself depend on others, and then gets the rug pulled from underneath him that reenforces the mentality.