Jun 2, 2023
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That is why it is you that has to help her. You ARE her first choice, if you weren’t Joshua, she wouldn’t be in this kind of pain.
Continued Here.
I have accepted it.
Josh's words had captured her attention, even more so had the words that had come after... as much as I am able. All Shay could do was nod, not sure herself if saying thank you would have been appropriate in such a situation. The air between them had felt so heavy in that room, her knees had felt weak, her heart had picked up a steadier pace, what was this feeling?, had she recognized it, did she know what was going to come next?.
”Josh, if you have something you need to get off your chest---” She had broken the silence between them, and she wasn't sure if it was because of what she said that he had continued talking, or if he had planned to tell her what was on his mind regardless.
'--you deserve whatever life you want
Shay had swallowed thickly, she felt like she couldn't stand as he continued, taking the nearest chair she could find to sit down before she fell down. It wasn't like Shay to feel so... vulnerable. ”You are right. It isn't letting go. It is very much holding onto the guilt I have felt for a long time. Josh, I, I love you. I love who you are, I love what you are, there isn't a better man in this whole realm more suited to be the King of Hearts. Even when we broke up, you were there for this Kingdom. You were there for our children. You were there for me. I have always known it. I don't think there are many men or even women out there that would have stayed the way you have. Even now, you are leaving everything up to me, you aren't trying to sway me either way, and I couldn't possibly express to you with words, how much I appreciate you for everything. Everything you are, and everything you have been.”
That was when Shay had lowered her head, slouching slightly in her chair, swallowing thickly. ”I want to release my guilt, I want to release it so much, Joshua. I want to show you that your heart and your faith in me have not been misguided. I've made so many mistakes, and I've been so cruel. Breslin is important to me, and I know he will always be a part of our lives, I just don't know how to be with you, to have a family with you, and still be there for him. I don't know how to make things right, because I miss you, Joshua ---”
And there it was. As her voice cracked, as a rough swallow didn't push down the tears anymore --- ”I miss you so fucking much, I just want to run to you, and collapse into you, I just want to tell you how much I love you and how much I wish I could have done right by you. You say not to release my guilt on your behalf, but Joshua, you are the one that I've hurt the most---”
@notquiteahitman
Continued from: Here.
@notquiteahitman
He wasn’t wrong, and his intuition had surprised her. It was either his intuition or the expression on her face that was just that easily read as she walked into his office. “It isn’t that, --- I know you can take of yourself Josh, I just ---”
She couldn’t lie to him, nor she could keep something like this from him.
“Layla. Layla told me that she saw Pesha in my quarters while I was gone on patrol of the city, she was --- she was looking through my journals, Joshua. My personal journals. Journals where I’ve written down my thoughts, my feelings, for you..... and for Breslin.”
Shay had looked down at the floor, her throat bitter dry, so uncharacteristic of her. “I don’t know what her plan is, I don’t know why she was there, but Pesha is dangerous and she has no moral compass at all - she will do whatever it takes to get what she wants and right now, I don’t know what it is that she does.”
Shay swallowed hard as she finally looked up again and forced herself to sit down in the chair closest to his desk. “I love you. I don’t want anything to happen to you, because of me. If she touches you, Josh, I WILL kill her.”
Continued from: Here.
”No, there is something in the way you are cold to the touch, Joshua. There is something in the way we only seem to bump into each other after the sun goes down, and there is definitely something in the way you held the box with the necklace so carefully so you wouldn't touch it.”
Shay's face held a tell-tale expression that she didn't believe him as she took the necklace from the box and dangled it freely from her fingertips.
”You could at least look at me when you lie to me. If I am so paranoid, Josh, put the silver necklace on me --- without your gloves on.”
@notquiteahitman
“You’re an O'Hare, remember? People don’t tell you who you are. You tell them.” (Josh to Shay)
She could only say two words to him as he pulled her attention. "I know."
She understood what he was trying to do, it was enough for her to smile. ".... thank you for reminding me. I needed that right now."