PEYTON WAS THERE WHEN THE ATTACK ON REALMWATCH HAPPENED . she remembers it vividly , some days , it's the only memories that she has . before the events that lead up to it , peyton gathered up all her workers , sat them down and was straight forward in why they were there : this was bigger than the ministry now . in ways , it was the media that were the very first to see the horrors on the horizon ; stalking by the ministry , being silenced , threats . at one point , peyton had so many court hearings to attend to because of realmwatch she could've set the letters on fire and kept the world warm for the whole winter . but peyton has always been secure in her path , she witnessed the discrimination against muggle borns , experienced it ; seen the repression of magical creatures and other living beings that he ministry deemed too dangers , too dark , LOST CAUSES . peyton , above all , believed in the future ; believed that the ministry could do better . it was faith that fuelled her every move , rebellion , perhaps a hint of danger that she got a rush from despite being scared of it more often than not . it was her path . . . she knows that those working for her feels the same , but everyone had a limit ; everyone had families . by this point , EVALINE WAS ALREADY DEAD ; HER MOTHER WAS GONE , KILLED BY DEATH EATERS AS A WARNING , SHE HAD NOTHING ELSE BEYOND THIS . it was her ship to go down ; no one else's . people left the more serious it got , peyton encouraged them to leave , begged at points for them to pack up and go some place else . some got out , went to america , other parts of europe to flee . THEY WERE JOURNALISTS / THEY WERE , IN MANY WAYS , IN THE CENTRE OF THE REBELLION .
but some stayed and it was their downfall , the ones that stayed were now never going to see another sunrise , never getting to see their families ; their friends , pets . THEY WERE GONE , AND PEYTON BLAMES HERSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY . there's a rational voice in her head that says they chose to stay , they knew the risks , were aware of them and actively continued on their own accord . . . THERE'S ALWAYS A BUT THAT FOLLOWS THE TRAIN OF THOUGHT . AS IS THE LIFE OF THE SOLE SURVIVOR . she could've pushed more , could've fired them and continued , it should've been her burden to bare alone , she should've never dragged down everyone else into her mess ; a good boss , a good friend , ensures the safety , they were hers to safeguard and she returned their loyalty by placing flowers on their graves . she isn't sure it was worth it , where did it lead ? what did she have to show for it ? a life of solitude , of being so guilt stricken that she's afraid that everything she touches there after turns to ash and dust ?
THE NIGHTMARES NEVER STOP , she shuts her eyes and if its not the battle that rages on behind her lids ; its the blood and the violence that went down on a building that was meant to carry hopes and dreams . she went back once , hoping for closure ; though it was a mistake she'd likely make again . the stained blood , the scattering of papers , the smashing of windows ; a busy room now claustrophobic with ghosts and memories . the world seems both too large and too small , and a piece of her is angry , angry that so many people lost someone ; or someones , in the war , because it doesn't make her special - it silences her , because then she struggles speaking about it ; everyone suffered , she's NOT special , how could she have any right to complain ? it's a twisted cycle , a toxic runaround that she can never fix , she doesn't know how to .
PEYTON HAS TRIED SEVERAL TIMES TO KILL HERSELF IN THE AFTERMATH ; though she always wakes up , always pauses right on the edge ; she's scared , she's utterly terrified . she wants to see her mother again , her friends , she wants to bask in the light of god ; it certainly isn't here . it'll be for a moment , she believes her soul is damned ; doomed for everything that she did , that she caused . but to experience even a second of peace , she'll take it , she'll take whatever she can get . . . but it's scary , the next step is scary and she can't bring herself to do it . a never ending cycle , trapped in a prison of her own making .
