#she-pilgrimist

[she-pilgrimist]

missing piece

sometimes you meet girls like me. girls that sparkle without glitter, whose smile can catching you falling on brown dust. girls that laugh like they’ve never broken a rib before or stolen a heart and couldn’t keep it. I know you’re trying to figure out ways to get me closer to you, I can tell you now I’m not her. I won’t rescue you from yourself, I won’t mend your shattered spirit or cuddle you when it’s all done. I’m distant not cold, I could love you but you wouldn’t know how to handle my fragile wings. 

I’ll kiss you as I whisper goodbye, I’ll run my hands through you on my way out. I’m not the missing piece, I was your place of rest for a night.

[she-pilgrimist]

Faded Christmas Lights

12:08 am all nights and no sign of Christmas. My feelings remain inherently the same, synical. I'm kinda hoping for it all to go away but I still want to live in the moment, it's a good day, a terrible year but a good life. Roasted meat and all the sugar still doesn't bring the sweetness. Anger and resentment still linger, for a few hours we forget, it's all hugs and fake smiles. Charades keep us going, Christmas is about the love we have for family. The ones that got away remain distant, hiding their faces, how perfectly they hide their love. All memories pain differently, there are things I cannot forget. Some roads lead to a different life. I'll keep the lights on tonight

[she-pilgrimist]

Sidewalk Cracks

I don't tell the stories no more. I need not the attention that comes with sympathy, my pain is my own.

I leave the empty space and the pages blank. I no longer let the ink bleed to the brim. I shed no tears nor do I flinch at the mention of your name.

The hole in my chest is made of quicksand, I feel like I am drowning in my own skin. Now I boast of my fragility, that gave me flexibility to grow amongst the cracks.

[she-pilgrimist]

Something new

Your lips call out to me from the far away distance between us. I've thought of jumping at you about a 100 times but I hold back, hands ache to run wild on your face. Restraint, a word I thought I conquered. I love the warmth in your laugh, makes me want to curl up, lay by your side soaking in all your goodness. When I discovered I like you, I knew I had to draw away because I don't do well with attachments. I more than like you but I'm still uncertain if I'm knocking at the right door.

[she-pilgrimist]

[she-pilgrimist]

double rainbow

We carried tragedy in our bones for so long our cracks bled like art. Sorrow a mouthful of oak at the end of a bottomless glass. Each pain packaged in velvet texture, destroying ourselves felt like learning how to breathe under water. My silence carries its own weight, fills the room until there is no space for words. I'm sorry. I crush all my joys by holding on too tightly. I'm finally learning how to breathe under water, how to smile with my teeth clenched to stone. The light does not reach my eyes. I know why parts of her/of me remain unexplored. The light from my eyes does not reflect fluorescent beams dancing high in the sky painting cresent glitter. I swallow gallons of hope knowing another storm has passed.

[she-pilgrimist]

Cornrows

[she-pilgrimist]

12:26 am

In the dark. Thick curtains keep the luminous night light out. Here my thoughts roam the streets that know loss and broken glass.

I've learnt to find my way through the overcast, learnt to wear a layer of bravery for the shadows that lurk for wasted opportunity.

A part of me will always be on the run. A desperate man by night and a provider by day, feels like I'm running in circles.

In the dark. Where the night air smells of sweat and sin, I am redeemed. Of aching memory for now all my anxiety seems silenced.

I'd like to forget the pedastill I used to put you on. How I sometimes would forget myself placing you first. Now I have to forgive myself for seeing a tainted collage, the pieces will never fit.

The curtain has been drawn.