#sheekeepsmewarm

[sheekeepsmewarm]

She is love and she is all I need.

[sheekeepsmewarm]

I lost count of how many times I wiped the tears that fell down your cheeks while swallowing my own. You were the cause of the emotions we both felt in those moments, but I was the only one putting us back together. Your hands never left your lap, and every few seconds I would taste another drop of salt water that fell from my eyes to my lips without being dried. I’d check the mirror and see the trail it followed stained into my skin, but your face was clean. Untouched, unscathed, tended to. I don’t think you ever had a tear reach your cheek bone. I dried your eyes instead of mine, even though you were the one who gave us both that type of pain.

[sheekeepsmewarm]

I didn’t even ask. I felt like I knew the answer, so there was no point. But you just offered an explanation to a question that was never posed.

“If I ever got a real chance with you, I would make it work. I would figure my life out, with you.”

It was like the pieces fell together instantly. My mind stopped racing, I was finally able to breathe. I no longer felt like the option you’d never choose. I finally believed every word you had ever said to me.

I stopped saying “I love you more.” It didn’t feel like a competition. I didn’t feel like I had to fight with you over it. For 45 days, I actually believed someone loved me the same way I loved them.

I sat there and waited. I killed myself wishing for the possibility for you to make your words a reality, because for me that’s what they became, the moment they left your lips. I believed you. After months of reassurance, fighting over the truth, you begging me to trust you, my walls came down. I believed every word you said to me that day. I never knew that the one thing you made me wholeheartedly trust you for, was the one thing you never believed even for a second.

45 days later I actually did pose the question. The answer devastated every wall I had built back up. “It’s too late.” Forty five days. And then I realized, I wasn’t too late. You just never thought I’d show up. I had no way of being on time to a truth that only existed in my imagination. It was a game you thought I’d never come to the table for. You thought I’d never catch onto your poker face, and that the lie you told could remain truth in both of our minds forever. But only in our minds.

I think I knew the first day you told me you’d “figure it out,” that you didn’t believe it. You couldn’t look me in the eye, your left cheek sunk in to your teeth. Now that I see it without blinders, you and I both knew you were lying to me that day. To you, it felt good. You “hoped” to make it work. You wanted to “try.” But to me, you didn’t say it that way. So now, you can keep your hope, along with every ounce of mine. It is yours, it can never be mine again. Hope was all I had for these 45 days. I lost it all in a second. How lucky are you, to know the truth all along. To know that for your dream, I was awake. For your imagination, it was my reality. I lived it every single day, until I was evicted. That reality became my home, and now it’s gone. I’m happy you’ve moved in, I hope you can feel the comfort I did while I was there.

It hurts to realize that our bedrooms are the only place we will ever exist. There is no you and I outside of these four walls. The world will never know you love me. The only difference is my world knows I love you. That’s what you became, my world. I kept my promise. I never lied. I would have “figured it out” for you. I always thought I spent all of my time in bed because I was depressed, anxious, sad, exhausted. I think I spent my time there because it was the only place we had. When you moved me out, it became my home. It’s the only place where I forget that I’m not enough, nor will I ever be enough. I’m not your choice, but an option. Except, I’m the option that will never be picked. As much as that destroys me, I would stay in this bedroom forever for you. It is the only place I feel like I’m living. I don’t want to live, but I would live forever here with you.

You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath. Who would have thought that what was once my favorite lyrics to sing with you, became the words that would haunt me forever.

I don’t expect this pain to ever stop. I used to think that it would get easier with time. That maybe one day things wouldn’t hurt so much, that I would get used to it. I now know that was never the case. This will destroy me until my last breath, but that’s okay. Because I keep my promises. Unlike you, the words I said to you were an oath. I promised to stay, no matter what. So for you, I will.

Now, 5 months later, our rooms are not that safe place. I am no longer your secret. You do not think of me, nor do you care. I am starting to unlearn all the promises you made, because if I’ve found so many to be untrue, I need to assume they all are. You never loved me more, you just loved how I loved you. You knew you couldn’t get that from her. One day you will be ready to leave, to find me and tell me of your courage and how you’ve finally woken up. By that time it will be too late. Tonight, it would be too late. An oath, to swear to tell truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I kept my oath, seems like you’ll be held in contempt.

[sheekeepsmewarm]

Hi!!! If everyone could follow my beautiful baby @cooperthe_goldenretriever on instagram it would be greatly appreciated. He’s the cutest good boy ever and deserves so much love!!!

[sheekeepsmewarm]

Literally alll I needed in my life👅😍

[sheekeepsmewarm]

The ultimate ally

[sheekeepsmewarm]

[sheekeepsmewarm]