Shame and guilt made me feel horrible. It made me feel wrong for what I enjoyed or believed. I felt like the evil spawn of Eve. I don’t like feeling that way. It’s no way to live. It’s simply not the life I want. If I were being honest with myself, I didn’t believe myself to be a sinner or wrong. Those were the terms others were using in regards to me. There came a point when I got tired of “the others” laying claim on my life. “The others” were many people. Family. Spiritual leaders. Friends. Teachers. Whomever. I was tired of them laying claim on my thoughts, my actions and how I lived my life.
It’s my life. How I choose to live, what I choose to believe, how I choose to express myself… It’s my life, my spirit, my body, and my mind. No one else can answer for me. It’s my life. Only I can take responsibility for myself and in the end, only I will have to answer for my life. We forget this but we die alone. No one goes with us and escorts us to the other side, if there is one at all. We die as individuals just as we are each born as a unique individual. Therefore considering only I can answer for myself even if others try to dictate my life, I was honest with the kind of life I wanted to live and believe in.
I asked myself what was my life intention? How did I want to experience each day? What did I truly believe on my own accord? What kind of life did I want, if all we have is this present moment? I can’t answer whether hell exists or not. I can’t prove if Jesus died for my sins or if Mohammed was the prophet. All I can know is this present moment. The past is full of stories I can reference and learn from. The future is estimations and guess-timations at best. The only true moment that we know and can experience is right NOW.
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If there is a god who we must answer to, that god, I believe is going to wonder about me and the responsibility I took for myself and how I chose to live. I don’t think god will ask my mother to give a recommendation or for a pastor to review my life. That god will look me in the eye and ask me. So only I will answer for myself and I will live my life for me.
Sheena LaShay Young