Jan 25, 2016
I hate when people don't understand my anxiety. It makes me miss my best friend. He always understood, never questioned when I got picky or demanding. We left when I needed to. It was like a machine, like a system.
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I hate when people don't understand my anxiety. It makes me miss my best friend. He always understood, never questioned when I got picky or demanding. We left when I needed to. It was like a machine, like a system.
I'm almost twenty years old and twenty years just doesn't feel as long as I thought it would.
Sometimes I really love my body and I'm like fuck yeah but then other times I hate the way I look and wish for nitpicky changes.
When I was younger I used to lie to my mom about books I needed for class because I was broke but really wanted more books.
Gah I always get nervous answering anons. Like how do I be cool but also not rude? And how do I fully respond without rambling. I rewrite that answer like 5 times, I'm not exaggerating. Also I always feel really cliche. Like I hate talking on the phone and I get my boyfriend to proof read my emails like 3 times before I send them. And I feel like I'm rambling RIGHT NOW. I know the new thing now is having anxiety but I don't want to be cool. I really try not to accept that I have any kind of anxiety because I used to have what I thought was social anxiety but college has helped a lot with that! So I feel like I just had to get out of my comfort zone and get used to interacting with people. So it was more of just a shyness than a phobia or anxiety. But I did have a panic attack (self diagnosed, btw) once at the Chinese theater in LA. That was a bad time. But it hasn't happened sense. Well kinda I still get nervous in the grocery store, but not like I used to. I don't know it's so complicated. And I just want to not be this controlling freak anymore. Mostly that. Mostly I don't want to be obsessed with time. I hate arriving early to things bc it's a waste of time (like getting to class early, when I could've been studying) but when I arrive late (which is actually on time) I feel bad and unprepared. I really man I don't know. I want to stop being bossy and mean. Bc I don't want to lose the people I love. Mostly Greg. I also hate school like so so much. Like it depresses me. And I'm just so average at it and I can't get better. I don't know. I'm really not looking for sympathy. I just haven't written anything in so long. I want to delete this and not post it bc now I'm afraid people are actually reading what I write and I don't want it to look like I'm looking for attention. God. This wasn't supposed to be this long sorry. If I could create a read more cut on mobile I would. Oh man.
I got so high the other night, I walked into the wrong apartment and it was horrible.
You know something's wrong with you when you can't even make internet friends.
Last night I was thinking about how badly I want kids. Then it changed to, no I want a baby. Which made me think, "I mean, that babies gotta grown up! Do you want a boy or a girl." And I pictured myself interacting with a little mini male me and then a little female me. And I came to the conclusion that I want a baby because they're more easily pictured as gender-less. ...it was really late.