#shelly's stuff

[loadmysoul]

I'm really, really anxious about my baby shower this Sunday. Tom can't make it. He took overtime - I'm really proud of him for stepping up - but he forgot to tell them that Sunday is out of the question. I was really mad at first, but then it bubbled down into disappointment... and then when I saw how distraught he was over the entire situation, I faked understanding and being okay with it to make him feel better. 

I'm really glad I could make him feel better; I hate it when he gets like that. He was really upset. He broke a promise to me. Again. He was going to protect me. 

My anxiety is at an all time high. Even with people I love, I'm just honestly exhausted by them and always having to be on. Parts of his family are going to be there and that's... honestly really stressful. He was supposed to be my rock for the party and now I have to depend on my mother, who doesn't understand any of my cues or anything that freaks me out. 

I'm getting annoyed with everyone, too. I want everyone to show up, talk, eat and then I just want to go home. By myself. And not hang around with anyone until Tom gets there. I hate that he's my security blanket, but he really is. Lately, I have a hard time functioning socially without him being around and I know that's not a good thing. I'm hoping that will subside when Little Pup is born.

So this weekend is kind of a serious disaster, even if I'm really incredibly grateful that my big sister is throwing me any type of shower at all. 

But I'm really worried. No one is really buying anything off my registry; I registered at Babies R Us and I get 10% of every purchase on a gift card. And everyone is bargain shopping. I think three small things were bought off the registry and everything else? I was told, "Oh, I bought you this, but it won't let me take it off the registry. Will you take it off so no one else buys it?" I'm thankful I'm getting anything, but totally annoyed that I made a registry for positively nothing. I could have just made a fucking list, sent it out and let everyone communicate and work things out themselves. 

And I just remembered I registered Tom and I for a hospital tour and he won't be able to go. It's at 5 and he gets out at 5:30. Fuck. Just fuck. I'm in fucking tears. I shouldn't even bother telling him about it. He'll just feel bad. Fuck everything. This job is the best thing that's happened to us and probably the worst thing to happen to my anxiety. I'll get over it.

Three weeks to go until Little Pup gets here. Three weeks. Then after six weeks, I have to go back to work. I'm thinking of working one night a week again. I don't even care anymore. I'm so done with things it's not even funny. 

[loadmysoul]

I also really miss being able to chug any amount of caffeine I want.

Today's not all bad though, spoiled myself at Ulta today. Spent a little bit more than I planned, but I got a crap ton of makeup for free.

Ain't nothing better than free!

AND SPEAKING OF FREE I SHOULD GO WATCH THAT. 

[loadmysoul]

6 weeks left and I am going fucking nuts.

Don't get me wrong: I love my son. ...but you never realize how much you fucking love booze until you can't have any. (And then seeing a picture of your fiance chugging a gigantic mug of golden, frothy, delicious... ugh.)

All I want is one measly beer. It doesn't even have to be a good brand. It could be something as shitty as a Corona. I can't wait for the middle of October comes, because I will have a goddamn beer. And a fucking sandwich. A cold sandwich, not a nasty, heated, re-refrigerated sandwich. And I will cram my mouth full of fucking soft serve. 

Food is the reason why I desperately want a breast pump: LISTERIA BE DAMNED. 

Please don't misunderstand, I'm excited to be a mom, but I miss being able to be an individual. Call me selfish, if you must. Anyone who knows me and plans on visiting me in the hospital after Tommy arrives, please sneak me in a taste of a shitty beer.

[loadmysoul]

Oh blah

These hormones are dumb and I'm glad I realize it, otherwise, I'd be flipping out and raging over stupid shit. I'm just silently irritated, knowing that my irritation is invalid and dumb. That makes things a little bit easier. I'm going to go to sleep this Sunday. Please wake me up when it's September. >_<;

[loadmysoul]

I'm not the praying sort, but good lord, please let Tom get that job. Anything that puts us closer to getting into our own place.

[loadmysoul]

Well, I got up at 11:30 convinced that Tom and I were going to go get me a new pair of pants, a belly-band to alleviate my back pain and maybe a new bra since my boobs are falling out the bottom of my current one. We were going to go yesterday, but the podcast/MarioKart tournament got in the way. Whatever, I didn't really want to go yesterday anyway. It was too hot. At least he recharged my car A/C unit... that got done. He said he applied at three more places, one of which is a hard step backward - a Target mobile kiosk in Turnersville. 

Well, yeah. We decided to go today, but he told me that he doesn't have time because he has to go check in at the AT&T in Cherry Hill. Which apparently didn't receive his application. So... what is he hoping to accomplish? How long does he think a "check in" is going to take? And why couldn't he have done that yesterday? Oh, because he "had to clean his room". 

Oh, keep in mind that he said that he was going to go around twelve. It's two and he is doing laundry and hasn't gone yet. 

I guess that if you want something done, you have to do it yourself. 

Just like I dropped money for that Ouya; you had 700 dollars saved and now it's under 500. What are you spending your savings on? Don't tell my I can't save my own money and spend my own money on things. I saved all of my extra school money while you blew whatever was left of your tax return. I know, I know you bought this engagement ring with the tax return. But you also blew a lot of that on toys and games.

My hand-signed, LeVar Burton-Butterfly-in-the-sky-blue Ouya? I don't owe you an explanation for why I bought it. Just like I don't owe you an explanation for the new mouse I brought home. I might have seven, but three of them are older mice. Yarne is on her way out. Nanashi might have diabetes and I'm pretty sure that her and Derringer are "Lethal Yellow" mice that are susceptible to health problems. Mice are living creatures. Toys and games are not. 

And dad ate my ice cream. Today really, really blows. 

[loadmysoul]

I buy rodents to fill the void in my life.

Klavier came first, when I didn't have a job or a path in life. I bought him with his brother Phoenix, but they were both too aggressive toward each other and I had to give Phoenix away. Klavier died a year or so later. Years later, I bought Yarne, because I was depressed I couldn't have a child. Nephenee was also purchased that day. (Rest in peace, gorgeous.) Nanashi and Derringer were purchased months after Nephenee died; seeing the empty cage made me sad. Apollo and Athena, my rats, were purchased when I was depressed about the changing seasons. Revy, Samus and Tharja were purchased because I was upset about something or another. And lastly, I just bought Jecht tonight... after several hours of feeling hopeless and like my life is a giant, spiraling pit of sadness.

Sooo, two dogs, seven mice and two rats. They're all really sweet. 

[loadmysoul]

...aaaaaaaand back to a state of normalcy. I'm not going to say that I feel better about things, but I am definitely going to say that I am no longer capable of giving any sort of fucks at all.

Eventually, my son and I will have a place to live that isn't with my parents. Maybe you'll be able to help provide that place. I will get out of debt. I will, eventually, dig myself out of these troubles.

You can keep your six month plan; I don't care to hear about it anymore, okay? I'm good without it. Having a plan and having the ambition or ability to carry it out...? They're very different things. I love you very, very much, but I can't change you. You said before that you were going to do things "for me", but that just made it kind of insulting when you came up with excuses for the failures.

Don't do it for me. Do it for yourself. Only you can change yourself. 

Please, please know and keep in mind that I love you very, very much. But we're really drowning financially right now and I no longer possess the ability to care.