Raelynn's "we talked about a lot of things at 13. We aren't 13 anymore" to Shelby is such a poignant line. Like I know it's about how she doesn't trust her anymore after what happened with Lee, but I feel like there is so much behide it. What did they talk about?
Also posted on ao3: The things we used to talk about - Tina_ya_boi - John Proctor is the Villain - Belflower [Archive of Our Own]
Tagging @friendofthefrogswastaken you don't have to read it but I thought maybe you'd be interested hehe! I've been thinking about Rae's "We talked about a lot of things when we were 13, we're not 13 anymore" line. So, I wrote this! A conversation between them when they were 13.
Summary: Raelynn and Shelby stay up late during a sleepover, and Raelynn confides in Shelby about how she feels about her relationship with Lee
tags: Late Night Conversations, sort of love confessions that don't lead anywhere, They are 13 here, Pre Canon, Not a happy ending but it isn't really sad? Pre-Relationship, Mentions of homophobia, rated teen for references to Ivy's dad and Lee treating Raelynn badly, mentions of bad parents
fic under cut:
Raelynn and Shelby have been friends forever. They have known each other for years, so much of their life shared between school and hanging out at each other's homes.
Right now, they were 13 and having a sleepover at Raelynn's house. They had a lot of sleepovers at 13, usually Beth and Ivy would be with them too. When that was the case they would probably stay at Ivy's instead. Raelynn and Shelby didn't really like it there, but they never told Ivy that. At the time they didn't even know how, they didn't have the words to explain why they were uncomfortable when Ivy's dad spoke to them yet. Mainly they didn't want to upset Ivy by bringing it up. Instead, they just tried to avoid being there when they could.
Sometimes Beth and Ivy weren't with them though. Sometimes it was just Raelynn and Shelby. When that happened, they stayed at Raelynn's. Raelynn's parents didn't like when they made to much noise, so the two of them usually just stayed in Raelynn's room. They would sneak snacks into the room (Raelynn wasn't allowed to have food in her room) and keep the door shut as they watched listened to music and watched movies. The two of them would laugh under their breath and then shush each other for laughing to loud "My parents will get mad at us." Raelynn would say, before she broke into another giggling fit herself. Shelby really liked when Raelynn laughed, Shelby liked seeing the way her eyes would light up and the wide smile on her face. Raelynn didn't smile a lot when they were 13.
The two of them were usually told that they had to be asleep by midnight, but as long as they were quiet, they would tend to get away with being awake until 2am. They had an air mattress on the floor for Shelby to sleep on, but most of the time Shelby and Raelynn would end up huddled together and falling asleep on Raelynn's bed. It was just more comfortable that way. They were like that now, their laughter died down a while ago and their energy was wearing thin. Shelby closed her eyes and was ready to fall asleep before she felt movement in the bed and she no longer felt Raelynn left to her. Shelby opened her eyes tiredly and saw Raelynn sitting up and leaning on the bed's headboard. She was staring forward at nothing in particular. Shelby lifted an eyebrow at this as she lifted herself up to sit with her. "Rae? You okay?"
Raelynn turned her head slightly and looked back at Shelby "Sorry, I thought you were asleep. I didn't mean to bother you." Shelby watched as Raelynn fiddled with the ring on her finger that she seemed to have forgotten to take off before bed. Shelby's seen Rae fiddle with her ring a lot lately, it was being a habit.
"That didn't answer my question." Shelby spoke with a quiet laugh, hoping to take the edge off the situation. When Raelynn just stared at her, Shelby's smile fell and she glanced down at her lap. "Sorry."
"No." Raelynn spoke and Shelby glanced back at her. Raelynn shook her head slightly "You didn't do anything, I just- I mean I don't know. I'm just thinking about something."
"What are you thinking about?" Shelby shifted even close to her as she spoke. Raelynn leaned her head against Shelby's shoulder on instinct.
Raelynn was quiet again for a long time, before she whispered "Lee." The name came out so quietly that Shelby wasn't even sure if she was supposed to hear it. Shelby never really liked Lee and the fact that Raelynn sounded so sad as she said his name didn't make him any better. Shelby hated to hear her like that. She brought her arms around Raelynn and held onto her protectively. "What about Lee?"
Shelby couldn't see Raelynn's face as she buried her head against Shelby's hair. "He just gets so mad, I don't know what I did wrong." Raelynn choked out. It didn't take long for Shelby to realize Raelynn had started to cry.
Shelby wasn't sure what she was supposed to do, so she just pulled her closer and let her cry into shoulder. "I bet you didn't do anything.." She whispered. There was some venom in her words, a bitterness that said 'I never liked her boyfriend, but I know now isn't the best time to tell you that'. If Raelynn noticed her tone, she didn't say anything
"I don't want to be with him." Raelynn continued, anger raising in her voice as she sobbed into Shelby's shoulder and clung to her like her life depended on it. "I hate him Shelby, I hate him."
"Then break up with him." Shelby spoke then she bite her tongue at how careless she sounded.
"It's not that easy Shelby.." Raelynn spoke before trailing off.
"Why not?"
"It's just not.." Raelynn spoke, lifting her head slightly. For a moment Shelby worried she had fucked the whole thing up and Raelynn was going to push her away. However, Raelynn never let go of her. "My parents would ask questions, and then they would probably just tell me to forgive him…do you think I should?"
The way Raelynn asked the question it was like she was asking herself more then she was asking Shelby. Still Shelby answered "No- I don't know..maybe.." she spoke, becoming less confident in her answer as she spoke. She wasn't sure. She hated seeing Raelynn like this, and if Lee was the reason she was then she didn't want him near her. However, Shelby worried her own distrust of him was affecting her answer.
There was another beat of silence before Raelynn glanced away from Shelby. Quietly she mumbled "I wish I wasn't with Lee, I wish I was with you."
Despite the fact that her parents never really talked about it, Shelby knew about people being gay. She had read a lot of stories from people telling their stories about being gay online once she got her first phone. Maybe it was a little embarrassing that it took her that long to really know about it, but her parents never really brought it up at home. Sometimes Shelby would hear on TV about someone having two moms, but it was like it didn't process in her brain that that was an actual option before. It wasn't really that her parents were hiding this stuff, at least Shelby didn't think they were, they just didn't talk about. They didn't want to talk about it. Shelby figured she must be lucky, she knew it was worse for some of her friends. Shes heard people mention in passing how their parents have told them how things like that were "wrong". She knows that Raelynn's parents were like that as well. Still, her parents not talking about it still made her feel uneasy. It felt like they thought it was something that simply wasn't allowed to exist in their house.
Shelby also know that she liked girls. She never told her parents, but part of her wondered if they knew already. Shelby heard a lot of stories like that online. People talking about how they came out to their parents and their parents just laughed or smiled and told them that they knew all along. They were all just waiting for the kid to figure it out themselves. Shelby liked the idea that her parents would do the same, but a big part of her doubted it. She didn't think she could ever tell them.
She also liked boys— at least she thought she liked boys. Shelby hoped she liked boys; it would be easier that way. She never actually thought about it, but she knew that she did like girls. At least she liked one girl. She focused back on Raelynn. Shelby just stared at her a long time after her declaration. She wished she was with Raelynn, Shelby thought that might have been half of the reason that she always hated Lee (though the other half of the reason was just that Lee was a jerk). Shelby thought this felt a bit like a story she had read about online one day. About a girl who told her friend that she never liked her boyfriend, and then the two of them had kissed. Shelby wondered about kissing Raelynn, but she wouldn't do that. It was wrong— not because they were two girls but because they were them— it would be a bad idea. Even Shelby knew that.
"…We should go to bed, it late Rae" Shelby eventually spoke. She didn't want to sound like she was brushing her off, but it really was late and their conversation was heading into a serious territory.
Raelynn stared at her with a glassy look in her eyes before she nodded slightly "You're right…sorry for keeping you up." As Raelynn spoke though, she just laid her head back on Shelby's shoulder. Shelby didn't protest this, it wouldn't be the first time one of them had fallen asleep on the others shoulder. Why should Shelby push her away just because of their conversation?
"Don't worry about it.." Shelby spoke, shifting so the both of them were laying back down in the bed. "Let's talk about it more in the morning, okay?" Shelby decided that if Raelynn tried to bring this up with her again in the morning, then that would be when she would ask to kiss her.
Raelynn just nodded silently "Mhm…" though her voice was trailing off. Shelby figured she was falling asleep; she still had her arms wrapped around Raelynn as she closed her eyes and tried to get some sleep herself.
"Goodnight Rae."
"Goodnight Shel…"
The next morning Shelby woke up and saw Raelynn sitting away from her again, this time she was sitting at the edge of the bed and staring at the floor.
"Rae?" Shelby spoke with a yawn, lifting herself up into a sitting position. The events of the night before were hazy as she was waking up. Part of her felt like it was all a dream, but look Raelynn gave her told her that it was real.
Raelynn had a nervous smile on her face, Shelby could see that she was fidgeting with her ring again. "Morning Shelby.."
Once again silence fell over them, Shelby was about to speak up before Raelynn beat her too it. "Can we just forget about what happened last night? I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me…"
Shelby stared at her. Shelby admitted she didn't actually expect Raelynn to want to talk about that again when they woke up, but to forget about it? Well that was much harder. Still Shelby nodded slightly "Right..yeah of course." she mumbled, then shook her head slightly as if to symbolize the thoughts leaving her head "Look, the already gone from my brain."
Raelynn laughed a bit at that, and she nodded slightly. "Great- thanks Shelby."
"Don't mention it." Shelby spoke quietly. She felt like she was in a daze. She watched as Raelynn pushed herself off the bed and stood up, before turning back to her.
"I should…text Lee today I think. I got mad at him last time we spoke. I should apologize- yeah."
As Raelynn spoke Shelby just nodded despite how in her head she screamed 'You don't need to apologize, you don't need him.' Shelby wondered if she should have asked to kiss her last night, she wondered what would have happened. Would Raelynn had agreed? Maybe she would have just pushed Shelby away despite what she said. Shelby wasn't sure, but maybe it would have convinced her not to forgive Lee.
"I'm…going to check and see if my parents made breakfast." Raelynn said, turning toward the door "I'll be right back, okay?"
"You go do that." Shelby spoke, forcing a smile to her face "I shall await your answer right here. I hope they make pancakes."
Raelynn laughed slightly at the answer and nodded "If they didn't yet I'll tell them too." she spoke and then Shelby watched Raelynn leave the room. The way Raelynn laughed was still awkward Shelby could tell. Despite the request to forget it, last night's conversation was hanging over both of them.
As Shelby sat by herself, she wondered how long that awkwardness would last. Shelby would hate if all their interactions were like this now. She hoped it would pass.
There was one thing she was certain about, and it was that she didn't either of the would actually forget it.
