(919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
(412): You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned ward with a dildo from across the room.
(701): Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best. And by best, I mean not jail
(802): the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
(+44): I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
(712): I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
(616): Skye. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
(202): We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
(+79): You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, hydra wins
(705): i just ran into coulson at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
(615): The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun