HIATUS - I'm sorry.
I can't do it anymore. I can't keep pretending. Trying to be happy isn't working and I feel like even the few moments I come back on here are causing two people in particular the most pain in even seeing me around anymore. This has nothing to do with how weak I am because I know I'm strong enough to wait for the one person I've been aching to see, dying to get back no matter how long it may take me. Baekhyunah, even if you come back to me when I'm old and grey, at least I would be happy to see you for one last time before my life was to come to its end. I can't give you up and I won't give you up. I didn't give you up when I watched my whole world crumble and burn right before my eyes. I didn't give you up even when it hurt people I care so much about, and I sure as hell didn't even flinch a step back when you've been gone for months now. I simply won't move on, because I can't., I've made up my mind on this and whatever it takes, I'm going to have you back. I'm going to get my family back because that's all that matters to this fucking asshole. You're all that matters above everything else and I can't see past it, nor do I want to. This account is on a HIATUS until the day I may be lucky enough to have him in my arms again. Thank you.. Thank you for at least letting me know that you were okay. Thank you for that brief moment you allowed me to see you again. And even if the purpose was a goodbye, you've only rekindled my hope that I may get to see you again someday, and now, thanks to you, I have my strength restored. That night was the best sleep I've had in a while, and I don't mean to make any of this sound like I'm trying to guilt trip you. Because you know me, you know I'm not like that. Just like I know you, and just like I know you're going to come back to me one day. I know it, I know I'll have you back. All it needs is a little more time.
To TIGRESS
I'm sorry. I have no right to face you, but this won't be the only goodbye I leave you because that would be even more cowardly than I already have been with you.. I'm a petty man, selfish in fact, and my heart never stopped beating for that person, even when I've tried to give it to you. But how can I give something away that no longer belongs to me? He is my heart, he is the essence of my soul and I can't do anything to change this. I never meant to make you feel any less worthy of being loved and having all that you need from life, because you deserve nothing but love and all the good things this universe has to offer. But unfortunately, I couldn't give any of that to you, as much as I tried to. I slipped. I lost sight of who I was when I lost him and you got the person that was left behind. The one who couldn't make a simple decision. The one who always took and took from you until there was almost nothing left. But that's just the thing, I was nothing, I am nothing. Without him, I'm just a ghost who has unfinished business and can't rest until he has what he needs. I'm sorry, I'm sorry you ever met such a person like me.. I can't ask for your forgiveness.. I can't ask much of anything but that I don't want to see you hurt yourself, which is why I'm choosing to leave. I hope some of this at least made a little bit of sense because this vodka is a little too strong and my mind is so clouded again. I'm sorry..
To Mark
I'm sorry you saw hope in me. I'm sorry I'm taking that glimmer of light you found right from your hands, but I can't stay. Not for anyone. I'm already getting my karma for all my wrong-doings, and that's the simple fact that my soul is missing its other half, same as my heart and even my mind, the sane part of it at least. It wasn't you, it was never you -- In the sense that all the wrong doing was on my behalf. You're great, you're cute, youre damn well beautiful and not just in the physical sense, it's also in who you are. I'll miss your smile, vampy vamp. And I can't thank you enough for the times you've cheered me up and comforted me with your hugs, it was always more than this man deserved. But either way, I'll be selfish and keep those memories with me anyway. Don't listen to those that blame you for this. There is nothing different that you could do which would change any one thing. My path is already set and it only leads to one person and that person alone, and it's clear to see that I'm left to walk it alone. I'm sorry... I'm really, really sorry.
