Pizza Blowies
Posted on AO3
Lazy Sunday pizza in bed with a side of awkward beejs for two insufferable men.
For shingekinokitty: This is based off a Professor Ackerman/College student Erwin AU we have going on, where Levi's some German fartbag who has a cocky piece of puggle poop student Erwin, and they shtupp like anteaters, and it's all very wrong, but I tried to adapt it to be a little more universal for everyone else to read, but it doesn't explain why Erwin's a mouthy bottom trash shit, so I wrote this note, which shingekinokitty told me to, and everything is his fault.
This is just as bad as what you'd expect from the title. NSFW.
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Without his phone alarm waking him with obnoxious chirping promptly at 7AM, Erwin was prone to sleeping well into the afternoon, which was threatening to be the case as the minutes gained on midday. He was startled to waking when Levi unceremoniously plopped a stack of pizza boxes on the nightstand by his head and proclaimed, “You’re not leaving bed today.”
Frowning with confusion, squinting at the garish afternoon light like a newborn kitten, it took Erwin a moment to realize that in spite of the grave, authoritative tone, there was an edge of amusement to his voice. He rolled onto his back, gaining a better vantage point from which to watch Levi round the bed and slip under the covers next to him. Erwin’s arms immediately circled his waist, drawing him close, nose pushing into the soft flesh just beneath Levi’s jaw. He pressed a kiss to his smooth neck, then turned his face into the pillow in an effort to mitigate his morning breath. Levi lay, content for the moment, in his arms, leaning his cheek to rest against the blond’s forehead.
It was understood that Levi was not one for extended physical affection, and Erwin thought nothing of it when he gently dislodged himself from his arms to reach over him for a box of pizza. Setting it on his lap, he opened it, a plume of steam escaping, bringing with it the aroma of fresh-baked bread and of savory cheese. Levi looked expectantly at Erwin before outright asking, “You want some or no?”
“Sure,” Erwin said, grinning, pushing himself up to sitting before being handed a hot slice. He bit at it to stop a melting dollop of cheese from falling off, and, finding that it was quite stubbornly attached to the rest of the cheese, bit at it again and again until half the slice was consumed and stuffed in his mouth. He chewed carefully in spite of the urgency the searing heat brought, and managed a mischievous smile as he swallowed it all down. “It’s good,” he said, and Levi nodded in acknowledgment.
“Good,” he replied, chewing at his own melting slice.
Erwin bit at the crust and licked at the corners of his mouth, lips still unctuous with pizza grease as he leaned in to nose at the stubble at Levi’s cheek. “I thought you said you had papers to grade today,” he murmured, the half-masticated remains of his pizza crust still balled in the side of his mouth.
“Gross,” Levi groused with a playful shove at the blond’s chest, though he settled back almost immediately to lean against him with a put-upon frown. “And I do. I can do them in bed.”
“Yeah?” Erwin bit his bottom lip, tip of his nose trailing a line up his jaw, where he laid a quick kiss just under his ear. “Anything else you want to do in bed?”
“Have another slice of pizza?” he answered flatly. “Could you hand me one? I don’t want to have to climb over your mountains of muscles to get it, pretty boy.”
Erwin gave a sigh of mild exasperation at Levi’s aromantic humorlessness and reached over to grab a box and hand it to him. Taking one for himself, he tossed the nearly-empty box at the foot of the bed and settled back against his pillow to enjoy his new slice.
Levi looked over at the faint but undeniably petulant pout that Erwin was presently sporting and nudged him with his elbow. “What, you think I was gonna fuck you?” he asked with a quirk of his brow. Erwin said nothing, the deepening frown on his face speaking for itself. “Come here,” Levi instructed, reaching out an open arm to allow him into his embrace. An irritated sigh left his lips as Erwin stubbornly stayed in his place. “I said get the fuck over here, Smith.”
Erwin cut his eyes to look at him with an imperceptible but obviously hardened gaze, and he allowed himself to be gathered against Levi’s warm, bare chest.
“I swear, you always want it,” Levi sighed with a click of his tongue. “Needy young thing.”
“Yeah? You upset about it?”
"No." Levi’s hands smoothed around the proud curve of Erwin’s ass, fingertips just beginning to slip between his cleft when Erwin shrank away.
“Wait,” Erwin warned. “I haven’t …” He flushed red. “I can go clean up …”
“I said you're not leaving this bed," Levi reiterated in that toneless way that still had Erwin confused from time to time. He wasn't quite sure if he was serious or not, but he always erred on the side of caution and assumed he was.
“Are you serious?” he asked with an unbelieving scoff.
“As a beaver,” Levi deadpanned.
Erwin’s eyes widened in surprise before he disintegrated into the most unattractive paroxysm of gut-wrenching laughter.
“What?” Levi asked, genuinely confused.
“As a beaver?” he repeated, almost gasping. “Is that like a German expression I'm not getting or something?”
“No, I heard it somewhere,” Levi insisted, the same unmoving, serious expression on his face, a little unnerved to have made such a faux pas. “Must have been on TV or something.”
“Like on Nick at Night, or did you maybe go back in time and hear it on The Howdy Doody Show or something?” Erwin asked, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye. It was obvious he was irritated, and Erwin leaned over to grab another two slices from the box at the foot of the bed and offer one to his lips as a peace offering.
Levi accepted it begrudgingly, if only because of the insouciant look of wanting in Erwin’s pale eyes that practically ensured a particular brand of divertissement later.
“So what are we supposed to do if I can’t get banged out over here?” Erwin asked casually, chewing at his new piece of pizza.
“There are other things. Christ,” Levi scoffed, giving an unbelieving look at the blond like he can’t believe what a dunce he can be.
“Oh yeah?” Erwin questioned, somehow feeling less deflated at the near-encouragement, and rolled over to press himself against him. He leaned in for what was ostensibly supposed to be a kiss, and Levi recoiled at his morning breath tempered with pizza cheese. "Okay, well if I can't go to the bathroom to to wash out my ass, I can't brush my teeth and kiss you, either. How is that going to work?"
"Condoms. And prostitute sex," Levi replied without hesitation.
Erwin blinked. "... I thought Europeans were supposed to be romantic."
"Prostitute sex ... If you please?" Levi ventured, and then as an afterthought: “Spatzi?”
Erwin frowned spectacularly in spite of the shiver that shot up his spine at the sound of Levi's clandestine sobriquet for him. Tearing off the last large chunk of pizza, Erwin chewed it with a vengeance, swallowing it down before squirming his way down under the covers, still wielding the single pizza crust in one hand.
He leaned forward to tug at the elastic of Levi’s waist with his teeth, and Levi took the hint and reached down to push his underwear off his hips and allow him access. Erwin leaned in to nuzzle lovingly at his soft cock, kissing the base softly and pressing an idiotic smile into his smooth balls.
"What the shit are you doing down there, proposing to it?" Levi huffed, though the exigency in his voice was more evident than any semblance of an emotion he tried to mask it with.
Erwin drew back to take one last look at his hooded cock, sheathed neatly within his foreskin, before taking the whole of him into his mouth. He sucked gently, slowly, letting his tongue work the underside of his flaccidness until he felt him grow and fill his mouth. Erwin smiled as best as he was able, keeping his lips wrapped tightly around his growing hardness, and drew his lips back in one last long, luxuriating suck before he sat back to look upon it adoringly.
It stood perfectly erect, pale and straight and tipped in pink, foreskin drawn back and nearly disappearing as though it had never existed, and Erwin grinned as he looked upon it and whispered, “Magic …”
“What?” Levi demanded, and Erwin pushed back the covers and pointed at his dick with the pizza crust.
“When you’re hard, you can’t even see the foreskin, it’s like fucking Houdini or something. It just vanishes,” he explained matter-of-factly.
Levi looked at him as though he were touched, then grabbed a pillow and pelted him with it. “Can you just suck me off already?” he groaned, falling back into his own pillow. “I swear to Christ, I’m halfway to sapphire blue balls and I will leave you wanting-”
“Yeah, alright,” Erwin interrupted, worming his way down again to settle on his side. He reached over to angle Levi’s hips just so, head lolling to the side as he swallowed him up once more. His pace was leisurely, comfortable, almost lazy, but he let his tongue do most of the work, flicking teasingly along either side of his length. His clip quickened nominally, feeling the telltale twitch in Levi’s cock, and his cheeks hollowed out with his augmented attentions.
Levi came with a soft moan at his initial release, holding his breath as his hips bucked into Erwin’s mouth, who dutifully swallowed every last drop of him and drew back with a smile like the cat that got the cream. Erwin sat up, wiping the corner of his mouth with the heel of his hand, looking down at Levi in utter self-satisfaction before holding up a hand. “Good game.”
Levi pushed up and slapped it in the most bromosexual of high fives, flopping back onto his pillow, breathless and grinning as he regarded the blond with adoration in his silver eyes. He took in the sight of him: the way the sunlight filtered through the gossamer curtains and fell across his eyes just so, mitigating the intensity of his ice-blue eyes to an almost clear hue, defining every jut and sharp curve of his chiseled face, and for a moment Levi was overcome in an aesthetic arrest. He pushed himself up again, just enough to be able to reach out and stroke his cheek fondly with his thumb, lips curling into a pleased smile.
“What?” Erwin asked, a little sheepish over the prolonged attention. He was never quite used to the way Levi looked at him: at once affectionate, appreciative, and the next moment somehow appraising and assessing like he’s one of those pieces he scrutinizes for his lectures.
Levi gave a contented little sigh. "God, you're weird looking."
Erwin did a double take, practically shaking his head with disbelief. “What?”
“Ok, like…” Levi shifted to sit up properly, leaning forward to take Erwin’s face in his hands and turn it every which way. “Sometimes, when the sunlight hits your eye at certain angles, they look clear, almost, and then you look a little… what’s the word again? Wall-eyed?”
Erwin glared.
“No, it’s cute,” Levi insisted, though it did nothing to mitigate the tide of confusion Erwin felt. “It’s like your eyes got divorced and they’re going their separate ways. Like one eye is looking at you and the other’s doing circles. Like you're a Robert Frost poem and they’re two roads diverging in a yellow wood-”
Erwin sucked his teeth and twisted out his grasp, trying not to let the burgeoning smile crack the hard line of his pout. “I got it, jeez.”
Levi grinned, thought the expression faded as he reached down to wipe at his balls with his fingertips. “Did you get pizza grease on my dick?”
Erwin shrugged. “I might have. Maybe.”
“Wow, fuck you,” Levi frowned, fussily rubbing the oleaginous smudge on his balls. “Couldn’t have wiped up or something?”
“It’s creative lube,” Erwin riposted, returning his attention to the pizza crust still in his hand, chewing at it thoughtlessly. “Not like you weren’t going to shower or something anyways.”
Levi pushed out his lips, eyes narrowing fractionally. “Okay. Let’s go.”
“Where?”
“Shower,” Levi replied simply.
“But … that would require getting out of bed,” Erwin argued, feigning ignorance, gesturing to the rumple of sheets and duvets and pillows. “I believe I was told specifically not to get out of bed multiple times, and I dunno, that seems like an egregious breach of what you’d told me to do, and I’m confused now, I’m just one man, how am I supposed to -”
“God, shut up, Smith,” Levi growled, leaning in to twist a pink nipple, which Erwin managed to dodge, but only just barely. “Get your ass in the shower.”
Erwin smirked, drawing himself up in a languorous motion, giving him a salacious quirk of an eyebrow before sauntering off to the shower. Levi swatted at his ass and followed after, wondering who he betrayed in a past life to deserve such an almighty, mouthy, piece of shit boyfriend.
