Don't expect it to make much sense, but rather, read it as a simple and slightly hilarious release of energy.
I wrote it in a fit of rage and fury (sounds cooler than anxiety, which is probably more accurate). I chose to post this, not for attention, but as a way of expressing that it is NORMAL AND OKAY if you also experience similar emotional fits. By being honest about our feelings, recognizing them as such and not hard truths about our life circumstances, I believe we're laying some groundwork for better and maybe somewhat easier lives. It's supposed to be messy - try not to be afraid of the mess. Embrace chaos and all that, but please don't let it rule over you infinitely. Now, on to the business.
___
It's not about the fucking box.
If anything, it's about everything outside the box.
To a little degree what goes into the box.
Or what someone expects you to put into the box. Fit in the box.
The recognition that you're ridden with shame and guilt, and feel even more shame and guilt for even that. An endless cycle.
Recognizing that you can't change overnight,
Thinking or even believing that you had changed, and then barge full throttle into the same old fucking blow.
It's about having dreams for your life, finally feeling that you're on track, that things fit together, a path of sorts has been drawn out - it makes sense. There's sense to it all.
And then you can't make it fit into the fucking box, because there's this…. Something else. You thought you were past that piece of shit. Solved it, ready to move on. But you're still in the fucking shithole, and for all you know, you're stuck there. You can shove those aspirations into your own fucking shithole, because nothing ain't coming from that anytime soon.
It stinks like shit because you're covered in shit, but you can't be sure that if you climb out of the shit trench, that the grass will be any cleaner on the other side; or any less shitty. You've gotta try, right? Climbing out of the shit hole? The shit box…
And btw, who the fuck cares? Who the fuck cares which magical field of shit you aspire to run along on?
Apparently, just that they believe you aspire for another flavor of shit, it's all good. Make them believe. Give them something to believe in.
What the hell happened to just… being at peace with your own goddamn shit? Shit of your own fucking doing. Let that be aspirations enough.
After wiping my eyes and thinking about how I will possibly manage to go back to work (folding and packing boxes) with reddened eyes, let alone enter the cafeteria and pretend everything is alright, well. I realized that it might be pathetic to write a rant like this with that… Shitload of 'shit' and other filthy words. Let me just tell you: It helps me cope. Give me ten minutes to write this word diarrhea, and I'm done. Empty.
I am now ready to wipe my ass again as a gesture of self compassion alongside wiping my tears away.
For once - and this was a rare thing indeed - Seymour was actually enjoying the destruction that came with watching Kefka work. Even Anima seemed to revel in the pain, which was unnatural for his mother. Maybe she fed more on the guado than he realized these days... Regardless; watching the firestorm rage around them, Seymour sidled up behind him and slipped his arms around the pale clown’s waist.
There was a soft growl as he took in the scent of smoke and blood mingling with the perfumes the other bathed in; not shy at all about nuzzling into the the others neck and nipping at the skin. “You are in rare form today...Care to let me in on the occasion?”
Akane: So what do you love the most about this job? Kougami: A short, gutsy mushroom headed detective Akane: What? Kougami: I said kicking the shit out of criminals
I don't know whats wrong with me, I am really having trouble getting myself out the door. I feel like a I'm a shit runner right now ugh, I'm not sure what to do.
1) My daughter has 17 cavities which we will start filling on the 26th. I’ve been brushing her teeth since 4 months when she first cut them, using fluoride toothpaste when she was old enough to understand she needed to spit the toothpaste out. She eats fruits, veggies, and has even shown preferences to whole foods rather than something like chicken nuggets or hot dogs (she loves a grilled chicken breast or slice of pork roast, and loves hard-boiled or scrambled eggs) so I was very surprised to learn that her mouth was in such a state. Mom fail feels to the extreme.
2) I’m still paying off my labor and delivery as well as Henry’s RSV medical bills, so we’re about to add around $2,500 out of pocket to all that and I’m not happy. Not to mention that my mortgage payment is fairly high again due to property taxes increasing again this year. I don’t know if I can squeeze the budget any further--I’ve already been skipping meals and going without using amenities unless absolutely necessary, but now I’m freaking out.
3) My husband had a car wreck a couple of days ago. The other party was at fault, but his insurance company wants to total my husband’s vehicle rather than take responsibility and help us undo this. We are receiving an allowance for medical treatments which we will be using for x-rays and check-ups. The car situation though could be another expense. We found a used mini-van that not only meets our needs, but also has low milage and comes with a fairly lower price tag---however, it only adds to the shit storm that is my current financial situation. I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m more than willing to get us all together to drop my husband off at work at 6am each morning while we figure this out.
4) I made an appointment for Henry this afternoon because while he was cleared up this morning, he started breaking out again around 10 (after his mid-morning feed) He still doesn’t have any fever, diarrhea, vomiting, nor is he showing any signs of irritation from his rash (which doesn’t even look like a rash still it just looks like he had a hot bath and is all flushed everywhere similar to how my skin looks after a shower?) I’m not excited about the possibility that something is going on that would require further medical stuff and more stress to myself and my finances.
In the midst of all this, I’ve been getting my ass handed to me by seasonal allergies and now a poopstorm of mouth sores (including patches on my tongue?) as of this morning. I. HAVE. NO. IDEA. WHAT. IS. GOING. ON. and my husband is making fun of how I’m speaking because it hurts to use my mouth. I’m so angry right now I’m not even thinking straight. I’m not asking for help, I’m not asking for any gofundme business or anything, just prayer. Pray for my son, my husband’s health, favor from the insurance company, my baby girl’s teeth, anything else. . .
closed starter for @descendus [ v. glory and gore ]
“Hey, I’m Ara--- District 11.”
She was supposed to make some kinds of alliances right? This one looked a little less threatening than most of the people here. Was that a bad or a good thing?
