#shittyrelationships

[slightlylostbutkeepingon]

You don’t need to call me all those names and tell me how worthless I am, I do that all on my own already.

[zmazinga]

Few words whilst distressed

I want help; I wanted help for a few years now.

I am a Master’s student back in school, in Montreal, QC quite far apart from Pottstown, PA or Cambridge, MA (both places where there remains footprints of wanting help).

Right now, I have a typed-essay question assignment due tomorrow, 2 programming assignments due next week, and a debate presentation due next week. My past two assignments were submitted using extended deadlines with 10 percent, 30 percent penalties respectively.

Procrastination has been chronic. I want to put into words what drives away at my attention: is it abundance of TV dramas to watch, is it abundance of people to talk to, is it abundance of resources? I consent to this abusive relationship with procrastination: it hurts me, and yet my dried-up, veins-popping mild-glaucoma-initial-stage eyeballs /want/ more TV shows.

In Pottstown, this abusive relationship appeared to help me focus: my friend Urbs tagged me as that guy who stayed up all night watching TV. All of my 3 roommies in four years in Pottstown (last year I requested for a single room) lived through 9 months, 3 terms, of me sleeping through study hours only to turn on that bright light at 2am until 5am. (Next morning, a teacher assigned me to the dean’s list for showing up 5 minutes late to class, and my peers noted how everyday was a bad-hair-day; I skipped breakfast for 3.7 years in Pottstown out of 4 years there). No-one ever asked me about this abusive relationship, nor did I ask myself about this abusive relationship: how are things going with your friends? what relationships are being formed? I looked the other way, shelving the confused feelings--other students spending time together, how do I deal with peer pressure to be cool (I wanted to give a pretension of cool, shame consuming upfront relationships, talking behind people’s back; judging others for smoking weed), what is education to begin with?-- and for the most part, made it out to Cambridge, MA.

This solitude hurts. When distress hits, I am constantly taken back to looking the other way. Suppressing this question about consent to this abusive relationship is the normal: “Hey, do you want to be in this relationship?” is stupid because I obviously don’t want to be in it. Or that’s how my psyched perceive where I am. Habitually, my acts consent to abusive relationships, am shamed to ask for help.

Let’s be clear, high-school procrastination works because distress in high school is at a tolerable level. (Now that I recall, the dorm parents telling me to go to sleep was /not/ about whether I do my work, but a 2.7 years worth of daily reminder to respect other people’s space.) 

I want to respect the disrespectful looks teachers throughout my life instilled in me. Being how an abusive relationship shakes up how I perceive myself, I want to respect the disrespectful looks then, that serves to check and balance how to take care of myself.

I want to learn how to take care of myself. That is what I want.

Stains of being in a shitty relationship--if you’ll entertain the stain metaphor--leave marks from the stinkiest corners of your body. Being in a shitty relationship comes out when I feel distressed. Converting that distress to eustress is at a roadblock, has been at a roadblock for a couple of years now. When I want to eustress this distress, when I want help, I default to caving in, to not ask for help.

Am I hurt? I want help.

[ineedahappylittlepill]

You know what?

These men are DAMN lucky. We are intelligent, beautiful, strong women and they treat us like we're fools who can't see through their master plans. They do not realize how good they have it. We could be terrible, we could treat them like shit, we could use them and hurt them for our gain but we don't. We break our backs for them and put up with all the shit and all we ask is MINIMAL effort and they act like we asked them to replace Atlas.

[hancocksghoulio]

I AM BACK.

Finally I have freedom.

[confidence-without-ego]

Here's to the kids

Who cry every night over someone who treats them like shit and who deserve way better than what they are dealing with. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find someone who will treat you the way you should be treated.