#shitvination

[magic-aesthetic]

This is my last one, oh great shitposting oracle. Please give me a relationship spread! Will I ever find love?

For you my most loyal supplicant I have a special love spread.

Are you ready?: Whipping it out. Easy, tiger.

Lover’s characteristics: God. I mean. Does it get better than that? Well there is Jason Momoa but don’t get me started hoo boy.

How you will meet: Doin it in the butt. Sounds like something casual will become something more.

Characteristics of the relationship: Inappropriate yodeling. I’m marking that down as “passionate.”

Potential of the relationship: Getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying. A randomly pulled card never lies.

[magic-aesthetic]

Your major obstacle: Harry Potter erotica.

Your current challenge: A salty surprise.

The hidden factors you need to know affecting your current situation: A homoerotic volleyball montage.

New ideas, people, or things that can help you grow further: An AR-15 assault rifle.

What you need to do to be successful: 50,000 volts straight to the nipples.

[magic-aesthetic]

Oof I need me a literal shitpost reading please

Your past: Giving a 110%. 

Your present: Not vaccinating my children because I am stupid. Admitting it is the first step to recovery. 

Your future: Some god damn peace and quiet. You’ve earned it.

[magic-aesthetic]

oh man, could i also get one for character growth? this is so funny 😆

Past behavior: Hope. Just full of hope. Buckets of hope.

Current behavior: Memes. How relatable.

Future behaviors: A disappointing birthday party. Damn what a downer dude.

Influencing factors: Worshiping that pussy. Why is the fact your avatar a cat so fucking funny rn

Overall personal growth assessment report: Exactly what you’d expect.

[magic-aesthetic]

Okay so last time was a bit of a bummer. Can I have a success spread so I know what to work on?

Your major obstacle: Raptor attacks. oh g o d

Your current concern: Hot cheese. There are raptors out there and you’re concerned about the cheese.

Hidden factors you need to know affecting your current situation: Fragile masculinity. 

New ideas, people, or things that can help you grow further: A middle-aged man on roller skates. Give him a thumbs up and he will give you one back. If he approaches, hand raised and waiting for Holy Palmer’s Slap, you have been chosen. For what, you must wait to find out.

The indicator of what you need to do to be successful: Swooping. You can try but the word out there is swooping..is..bad.

[magic-aesthetic]

Can I get a 5 card spread for success? This is such a cool idea. I want to try this out mhself.

Your major obstacle: Poverty. oof. buddy. 

Your current concern: Jobs. in whatever context you want.

Hidden factors you need to know affecting your current situation: Finger painting.

New ideas, people, or things that can help you grow further: Being on fire. Get LIT.

The indicator of what you need to do to be successful: Masturbating. Yes, there’s nothing masturbating can’t fix or make better.

[magic-aesthetic]

oh heck could u do a 5 card future success spread for me?? (take all the time u need)

Your major obstacle: A mopey zoo lion.

Your current concern: The screams...the terrible screams.

Hidden factors you need to know affecting your current situation: Three dicks at the same time. Wh....where were they hidden? How have you not noticed them.

New ideas, people, or things that can help you grow further: Poor life choices.

The indicator of what you need to do to be successful: Switching to Geico. Just fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. JUST FIFTEEN MINUTES COULD SAVE YOU FIFTEEN PERCENT OR MORE ON CAR INSURANCE J̛U̴S̨T ̶F͡IF̢T͟E͟EN̵ ̨MÌN̶ŲT̸E͢S̨ ͞COU̸ĹD̀ ̧SAV̶E YO͢U F̡ÍFT҉E̡ȨN͏ ͝P̀E̢R̴C͏E͝N̡T O͜R M̀O̵RE O͜N͜ C͜ĄRD IN̨S͝URA̷NC̨E J̧U͏S̵T̸҉ ̷̕F͏͜IF͞T̶̨̕E͏̕EN ̨́MI͟Ń̷͢Ú͝T̢͞E͜S̡ ̴͟C͘҉OÙ̷L̨D͜ ͝S̀͟A͞V̸͝E͝ ͠Ý̧OŲ͏͞ ̢F͜Ì͞F̧̀͟T̸̢EE͠N̸̛ ͘Ṕ͠E҉̡R̶͜C͘͟E̕͏́N̷̸̕T̨҉̶ ̷O͠R̕ ͠M̶̵͝O̕͏͠R͞͞É ͠O̴̢N̕͠ ̧C̢̧͠A̛R̡҉D̕͜ ͜I҉̨Ń̢̨ŚU͡R̴̶A͟͟͜N̶̛C͏̧͏E͏ J̵̡̛̻͇̞͕̩̜Ų̰̲͈͕̯̳̹̗͉̝̭͟͝ͅS̛̛̱͚̯͙͡T͢͏̠̪̳͍͔͙͈͎͈͘ ͏̸̗̱̩̬̞̖̰͉̣̦̻̮͈͎F̸҉̪̖͔̭͙͕͇̼̮I̷̢̦̬̘͖̫͙̣̱̝͕̣̺̦͙͉̥̼ͅF̸̥͙̲̺͓͉͈͓͉͓͉̻̺̭͕̠͞͠Ţ̷̯̣̣̬̲̱̤̣͈ͅE̴͏̴̗̤̝͉̠̝̱̲̞̱̯̫̀E̷̼̤̱̜̘̥̖̣̘͍͉̘͇͕N̴̸͍̟̟͕̗͇͇̖̝̜̟͜ ̶̴҉̥̳̪̱̭͖͉̟̘̝̫̝͔̗̼̝̞́Ḿ̵̶̶͙̯͙̭̦͔̠̮̞͇̞͓͍I̵̢̢̤̘͚̗̼͙͕̳̠̘̹̼̩̯͍̜̮͠͞ͅN̨̧̢̫͍̙̬̥̼͔̠̘̻̮̻̱̭̞̳̪U̴̷͘͏̪̯̥͍̘̜͓̝̬̘̥̺̩͙T̢͉͙̪̰̣͉̲͉̞͇͖̬̘̀E̢̜̱̦̙̜̩̞̹̙̣̘̺̼̤͙͟͞S̡̨̛̛̟̟̼̝̖͕̙̖͓̥ͅͅ ̢̫̰̻̰̱̪̖͟C͝͏͏͘҉̥͎͕̘̩͓̳̥̞͖̟̯̹̝ͅǪ̺͖̺̭̥̖̥͕̲̗̤̦͎͕̮̀͠U̵̧̧̱̫̼̞̻̞̺̹̣̙̥̙̪͇͜L̗̱̦͇̦̥̪̀͜ͅD̴҉͕̠̻̱̠̟̫̦͇̤͖̥ ̴̶̰͎̘̦̥̗͎S̴͘҉̵̨͇̺̭̤͚̜̭͉̺̙͕̻̦̩͓̠̰A̸̵̛̗̯̘͍̥̖̗̘͎̹̯͍̻̹̰ͅV̨̗̗͈͎͘̕͟Ȩ̧͕͉̥̙̱̪̠͈̳̩̝̹̗̦̭ͅ ̴̷̹̦̻̜͖̱̺̘͎̫͕̰Y̴̨̢̧͕͓͎̲̤̖̮͎̪̫̦̞̥͈̞Ǫ͘͏̢͉̤͇̥͈͉̝̙̰ͅͅU̵̵͙̤̻͍̺̞̘̪̭̼͓̹͓̫̝̗ ͔͙̙̹̖͍͢͟F̴̢̻̜͔̻͍͖͓͓̺̙̣͈̫̗̣͈̜̥̞͘͠Ḭ̶̵̡͖̱̻̻̯̠͕̬͍̳̥̘͎͍͜F̷̷̧͉̖̖͍̫͙͢͝T̡̡͙̙̠͉͖̪̪̯͉̯͜͡͞Ę̴̴̩͉̘̖̲͎̲͙̱͙̠̯͍̤͚͈̭̫É̸̮̘̩̮̦̣̟̙̥̭̗̝̘͎͔̮̪͠͝N̴̢̛̪͎̥̮͙̤̘̬͚͓̱̦̝̪͟͞ ̷̧̺̦͚̠̤̘̗̹̝͉͕̣͈̱͉P̶̙̞̲̥͢͞E̶̷̠͖̜̫̻̗͉̭͘͜͢R͙̫̰͚̜͍̺̭̬̼̘̤̫̩̭̲̱̟͟͟C̛̰͔͕̠̲̲̮̫̯̟̜͔̘̩̩̜͜͠ͅE̡͘͜͟҉͕̤̹͍͉̪̼̞̬̗̙̖̬N̶̶̙̪̗͇̣͡Ţ̸͏͍̰̰̣̹ͅ ̴͇̫͓̩͍̬͕̩̣̗͉͡͡O҉̸̱̙͈̝̘Ŕ̷̡̛̪̻̠̭͖͇̘̹̰ͅ ̧̹̬̙̙̱M̰͚̜̳͈̯̙̣̤̻̳̭͜͠͞Ờ͙̰̰͉̹Ŕ̸̨̬͎̳̮͎̰É̢̼̯̖͓̲ ̫͉̟̜͉͔͚̟̫̦̳̫͘͡ͅO͡҉͓̟̰̲̯̮͇̱̺̜̯̘̰͚̀͜N͇̳̣̰͎̮̤̤̗̮̭͘͡͝ ̨̨͓̤̠͎̼͔̘̭͚͖́Ć͎͍͚̘̪͎͍̳͈͙̀͢͠Ḁ̶̵̴̛͉̙͉̱̜̩̥̝͕̪͙̤̩̩̠̳̱́ͅR̴̡͏͎̩̜̖̱̻̘̜͚͚͔D̷̛͈̠̺͇̖͢ ͓̬͓̠̠̩̤̺̻̕͠ͅͅÍ̧̛͍̟̥̣̲̭̥̘̙̺͚͜N̵͖̼͚̥͇͈͘͟͠͠S̛͔̙͚͇̦̻͘U̧͔̖̙̰̻R̵͕͙͓̜̯̩̜͇͕̱̠͜͞À̵̸̹̥͉̖͕̟̩͍̺͈̺͖͟͡Ń̠̜̯̞́͟C̡̭̳͔̻̭̪̩̭͎̝̞͈̤̤̯̜͇̖͚̀E̵̸̷̘̤̥̖͕͇̫̯̦̘͔͞

[magic-aesthetic]

I love the cah tarot idea! Can I get a relationship one please? Thank you!

Your role in the relationship: Fear itself. 

Your partner’s role in the relationship: A bowl of mayonnaise and human teeth. You have a terrible, horrible taste in partners.

Past foundation: Wet dreams.

Current state: A pyramid of severed heads. Ah.. explains the bowl of teeth, but not the mayo. You have strange kinks.

Looming future: An erection that lasts longer than four hours. Please, for the love of the gods get away from that bowl!!