Feeling things in a large way has always been my way. I haven’t known any other way to be and frankly I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like big things - big music and hair and words. I have never felt like I had to make excuses for being that way, until age crept in and the insecurities of time and life settled under my skin. It's hard to know that you are too much, or to feel like you are too much, all the time. It's hard to understand that all of you is too much and shrinking down is the only way that you feel tolerable to the outside world sometimes.
So I figured that maybe shrinking down isn't the way. Maybe growing out is the way. Growing out of these places that feel too small and tight. Maybe the right thing to do is to deal with life in whatever big way I want to, whether that way is understandable to some or most shouldn't be my concern. We shouldn't break ourselves down into bite sized pieces so we can be consumed by the masses, instead maybe we should remain just as we are and allow the people and things that can handle us to do just that.
Thinking about how life has changed, and how I no longer feel the need to, has been enlightening to say the very least. I find myself unable to hide things that I once kept bottled up - happiness, discontent, anger and even dread. All of it comes floating to the surface, demanding to be heard, and felt. I can't deny these feelings, and want them to be a part of what I can only see as healing and growth. I can only understand that being me means being all of me, all the time. Not just when it feels like the world is ready. I am ready, and that is what matters.
I guess I am trying to say if you feel like you are just too much, that's ok. Being too much has always been preferential to being too little. I would rather be too much any day to be honest, because it allows me to be comfortable in my own space, flesh, and time. Maybe that's the hardest thing for other people to grasp, this concept that shrinking down doesn't work and refusing to shrink is my only goal sometimes. I want to take up all the space in the room, and maybe that's too much for some people.
It ok for those people. They are free to leave the room.