Man, I just love it when I wake up at 3am and can’t get back to sleep no matter what I do or drugs I take. My sleeping meds hardly put me down for even a couple hours before i’m back up again.
Its the beeeeeest.
But seriously i’m going fucking loopy from insomnia, shitty eating habits and bad meds.
I just need to pull though till Tuesday and then I’ll have a nice fresh bottle of xanax and all my problems will melt away. Well actually they won’t, but at least I won’t care as much.
It been a reallllly tough last few days and i’m dragging myself forward but I feel like i’m really close to snapping and ending up with a third stint in hospital.
And that’s just wonderful.
But the worst part by far is how lonely I am. I feel like no one is taking me seriously, or cares too much about how messed up I am because
“hey, i’m Pie! I’m always messed up! It’s my thing lol.”
And i’m just so good at playing it down.
“Oh whoops i’m forgetting to eat and puking when ever I do lol.”
“Haha I think i might have an addiction to this drug i’m on, lol better stock up and take more.”
“What’s that? A new way to slowly self destruct? Count me in!”
And it’s all my fault. I'm practically on my knees begging for help, and all I get is a pat on the head and a “you’ll be fine” or even worse “I know how you feel”
I’m all BPD with no substance outside of suffocating fear and crippling self doubt, but how the fuck do you even begin to deal with that? I can’t blame my small selective family for not knowing how to deal with my brand of self-aggrandizing, destructive existentialism when it is totally beyond my control too.
At least I might get to see the sun rise.
