Her hand was right there, just an inch from mine, grasping the guardrail; I lifted my trembling fingers; my heart thumped against my ribs while my head throbbed, my senses blurring into a hazy knot.
Suddenly, the voice of insecurity roared in my head. If it was right, I wouldn't even deserve to stand by her side. I froze, turning my gaze toward the sky. In that deep silence, my heart felt ablaze, even as the ghost of her cigarette smoke drifted across my vision.
My mind berated me for my lack of courage; I felt crushed by the recurring fear of losing her.Then, I felt it. Warmth. It coiled around my knuckles. I looked down—it was her hand, closing the inch between us.
"You're cute when you try so hard." She chuckled, puffing out the perfect stream of smoke, gazing at me with amusement. I just stared at her, caught off guard. Why was she holding my hand?
I never expected her to see something else in me other than an office colleague. I never even had any hopes of being anything beyond that for her.
"Are you that fucking surprised?" She crushed the cigarette under her heel on the roof floor and stepped close to me, erasing the vast distance between us which I could not accomplish while I was just numb, confused even.
"Are you here?" She pressed her palm over my cheek driving a jolt down my spine. A wave of sweet tenderness thrashed against me. My eyes closed on their own. My chest lightened up and abruptly I was in her arms, sinking my face into her neck.
"How long have you been trying now? Two months?" Chuckling, she embraced me in her warmth and scent, her fingers slipping into my scalp.
Embarrassment pierced my being, my ears burned and my heart churned. Why did she know the exact duration?
"Please … stop talking." I cooed, terrified she’d voice every other desperate thing I’d done.
"Only if you say please, ma’am." She whispered in my ear, tightening her arms around me, and quickening the pace of my heart once again.
I hesitated, nuzzling into her neck, my heart racing, but then, "please .... Ma’am." I said into her neck, desiring for that moment to not turn into one of my many imaginations.