Shimmying Through Dysmorphia
My body is strong and capable. My shimmies are starting to look like shimmies. Slowly. Perhaps my shimmies looked terrible because I was hyper-aware of the flesh on my thighs and buttocks. Jiggling with every hitch of a hip. Gross and out of control. I have avoided bringing awareness to these places in my body, maybe which is why they have remained mostly undeveloped. Lately I have been using muscles near my hamstrings and glutes that I'm not sure I've much used. My hip flexors have always been overdeveloped and strained; my trapezius are monstrous. My biceps are meaty. I noticed just the other day on a cool sunny morning on the Root River trail that I want to peddle a bike using only hip-flexors, biceps, and quads. Struggling with my hip flexors on fire, my sacrum rounded beneath me, my lower back asleep. The orchestration required of my newly-discovered muscles and motors to move more efficiently has been eye-opening. Like a toddler learning to maneuver it's physical landscape, I must be okay with my awkwardness. Again, I must be okay as a novice. My thoughts about my body have affected me physically. My thoughts on the tread-mill, something like: "this isn't fun" have made me lax and mopey, so only the well-developed or "big" muscles get involved. I feel in my body that it is true. All these weak-spots in my structure that I have not noticed. Have I been afraid of noticing them? What am I afraid of? I'm just awakening to the idea that when I feel pain, I realize its my system warning me of something in need of tweaking. An engine running a bit rough indicates it needs an oil change or a squeal at ignition means a cracked belt. Stomach cramps last week were telling me: "I know chopped salad with cranberries and pumpkin seeds coated in creamy poppy-seed dressing is super yummy, but an entire bag - four full servings - in one sitting is probably not the best idea." So I have been doing a lot of work. Every morning standing in front of my body's reflection and shimmying along with the belly-dance tutorials online. bending one knee and then the other. With virtually straight legs; weight toward the balls of my feet for cabaret-style shimmies. With knees bent, weight toward my heels for tribal-style shimmies. Left, right, left, right. Double time: left-right-left-right-left-right-left-right. Breathe. Look down. Can you see your hip-belt? You are dropping your pelvis too far forward. Bring the pelvis back, engage the lower belly just a smidge, but not too much! Let go of the rest of your muscles. Whoa, too much. you need a little thigh adductor turned on to keep the buttcheeks from clapping together. Don't worry if that happens. There is no story about a poor insecure boy calling you “fat-ass” in the 6th grade behind it. Feel your feet solid on the floor. The whole foot, yes that will help. Relevay now? Okay let's try it... My legs ripple. My hips bulge. My butt flaps. spandex helps keep the sensations at a lower volume. A sparkly hip-scarf helps make the mirror's image tolerable. A moment of victory here and there: "Ah-Ha!" - but quickly gone - keeps me going. I'm looking and searching for my shimmy. I keep practicing. I hope it shows up again and maybe, next time, it will stay a while.
