Dunno how to start this post off, so I guess Happy Pride Month! And this post is just like... About me? No rhyme or reason or explanations. Just talking to myself really.
Guess I can start off saying I'm AFAB and have been attracted to men for most of my life. Started off in high school, not knowing why I was intimidating and not being the target of people's affection outside of friendship. To thinking relationships were a lot of hard work, but was still kinda sad not ever being included. Or not really having a connection with my friends because everyone was dating someone so I didn't have that core experience that people could talk about and share stories with.
Graduated and started working, and found that people actually found me attractive. School just wasn't a good space for that kind of thing for me because I was a quiet weeb who liked to ignore everyone and listen to music, and also had no sense in fashion. Now I'm testing out new fashion (as much as I can with a dress-code at work) and seeing what I like.
Then, slowly realizing that I was ace because a lot of the guys who were interested in me kinda just wanted to hook up, and I wasn't down with that. Which got me called 'she's secretly a man' by a lot of guys at work. Then I got confused about being Ace for awhile because I like to write smut a lot, though I tend to write mostly MLM. So then I worried if I was fetishizing gay men. So I toned it down a lot. Around this time, "Fetishizing" was huge and everyone was pointing fingers for dumb reasons, so I shoved that part of me down except for in certain groups where I felt like I was safe.
Two jobs later and I hear about people becoming trans more often. Never thought it would be me, though I've hated my body since I was 16. I just didn't connect the dots that there were people out there who hated their bodies/gender just like me who could do something about it. But surgeries scare me so I figured, I'm not trans. Trans are for people who can get those surgeries, and medication, and who look like the gender they want to be. But I still wasn't happy being me. So I figured I was agender or non-binary.
Nowadays, I know that that's not how it works. And you can still be trans without getting any of that stuff. And me being attracted to men? Turns out, I'm just attracted to masculine people. Men, women, in between. And that attraction made me want to be masc too. Found that out sometime last year into this one. I'm in my 30s now.
Straight logic says that I'm still a woman because my body hasn't changed and I'm still attracted to men. But pride logic states that I am whatever I wanna be; to be comfortable in my own skin, and I think I'd rather listen to that than be forced into a box. Labels can be confusing. So just be what you want to be. You don't have to prepare a speech. You don't have to justify anything. And things will change as you grow. You could be one thing one year, and something completely different in the next.
So in the end, I guess those guys at work were right. I am a man. And being attracted to other men/masculine people, I would have never dated any of those bumpkin fucks. And I still write my MLM smut. Though I am trying to branch out a bit. Not because I'm worried about what other people think anymore, but because I'm learning new things and testing what I like.
Still very ace right now. And that's okay. My writing lets me live through whatever I think I want without the commitment or ordeal of being with someone. But that may change in the future too. I won't know til it happens. There's literally no rush. I might go back to being non-binary one day, who's to say? No one knows. Not even me. I like being a safe space for people, and I've had thoughts about that. If I commit to being a guy, will that scare certain people away that would have felt more comfortable with me if I was a woman or neutral?
I have a lot of thoughts about these types of things. But I think it's important to prioritize yourself first before others. Because if they don't think I'm good enough, they can always find others that meet that criteria. I think I'm good enough, and I have a lot of friends who think the same. I'm like a special interest only few people have, ya know? And I think a lot of people fall under that. You won't be palatable for everyone, and that's okay.
