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chat how do i go "actually nvm i lied I'm not fine" after all this

can someone please tell me that it's possible for me to stop being a hindrance towards everyone i know irl (especially my family and school friends)

#silly's ventposting #IM NOT DOING GREAT RN IM KIND OF CONCERNED ABOUT WHERE MY THOUGHTS ARE STARTING TO LEAD XDD

i am in a really bad socialising mood feeling like no one likes me and wanting to avoid everyone while also kinda needing to socialise to deal with shit feelings so yah *thumbs up*

#also yay im convinging myself that someone on discord is actually someone else i know with a fake alt #which doesn't make sense since they dm'd me through my throw away vent account on reddit but yah #silly's ventposting

the feminine urge to contact my abuser whom i blocked last month,,,,,

#qwq #silly's ventposting #tw abuse #i fucking hate him btw #like. im barely able to pass as functional now #and everything is so fucking wrong #and the worst thing is that he was right on every thing he said about me #like oh god i really am pathetic #(he also got me into calling myself the r slur and autistic in a derogatory way in my head so -_-)#(thought crimes aren't real and all but it's kinda awkward)#(like using autistic as an insult against myself sure is. sure is an experience)

i need to talk to someone anyone but also the idea of talking to people revolts and scares me so much why can't *he* just reply fuck he probably doesn't actually like me I've probably been so annoying tje past few days I'm so fucking pathetic for writing this and texting him all the time as if i was begging for more i don't deserve i don't want a good relationship with anyone

#silly's ventposting

ok if even HE said he had abused me, mayhaps i should accept that the situation was abuse. BUT ALSO IT DOES NOT FEEL BAD ENOUGH (sorry pookie if u see this </3)

#silly's ventposting #abuse tw #tw abuse #i accidentally saw a message from a couple months back where he was like “bro i had mentally abused you” or smth #like oop. wow i guess i forgot he said that.#BUT ALSO THAT WAS A COUPLE MONTHS AGO ABOUT THE PAST THEN #THE SITUATION HAS CHANGED TRUST /silly in a i kinda genuinely believe this way why am i like this #like ok the recent thing was probably worse than anything else he had ever done #but like. idk man. he did apologise today :>#(and proceeded to do a tinyyy bit of that again xD but then he told me to leave to do my own stuff before he gets like more like that so #idk that's probably a good thing then)#(and it was only like a really tiny bit. and like he isn't wrong with me being a pushover!!!!!! got that enneagram 9 swag B3)#idk mannnnn my brain is goofy and i probably react to this type of stuff too much #and like my brain is an expert at making me believe whatever in either direction so i can't really trust it so like ehh sure it is what iti #(im gonna ignore that i got outside feedback here XDD)#rahhhhhh #time to write hunter fanfiction as a coping mechanismmmmmmm #like. would it be in character for belos to get hunter to tell him that he's the best?#or smth more belos relevant like saviour or whatever #like. after belos does something shitty to hunter. like hits him or smth. he just then grabs hunter's chin and is like #“tell me that I'm the best. SAY IT”#or again more belos'y wording #“thank me for saving you. SAY IT”#idk i can workshop that #:3 #wow this rly went off topic XDD

chat should i ask my mam to not play her videos abt cults and child abuse near me? TwT (bc my transharmed dysphoria n envy gets triggered BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I'D TELL HER XD)

like fuck my brain can not listen to real stories about abuse ahahahaha this is painful. send help.

#transabused dysphoria #silly's ventposting

i think I'm fine now. 🎀

#silly's ventposting

#silly's ventposting

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