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Just curious, does anyone remember 7th Heaven? You know that CBS drama from the 90′s and early 2000′s, about the minister’s family, and their many, many additions over the years. Well, this insane drama, that ran for 11 freaking years, is technically the first CW show (And I say technically because it was one of many shows that came over from when the WB combined with UPN, and our good old CW network was born. But my point still stands).

So, because I recently skim watched through the majority of the seasons in a desperate attempt to satisfy my childhood nostalgia for the show (I have similar nostalgia for 70′s dramas too, but this one sticks back to me every few years, without fail), I decided I was going to list some of the more insane things that happened on the show, to prove it really helped with what would become the CW’s favorite toys. (If I ever watch seasons 5 and 6 of One Tree Hill, I might even play this insane game with that show too).

*Claps hands together dramatically* Let us begin!

First off, lets discuss the obvious, found family. And oh dear gods, there is a metric crap ton of found family. The found family ranges from one of the main character’s (Mary’s) ex boyfriend (Robbie) becoming a series regular and moving into her familie’s home, after, I repeat, after, the two break up. These parents seriously consider adopting (and honorarily adopt) their daughter’s ex, and let him live in their home for two years. They then go through a similar process with a complete random guy later in the show for no apparent reason then throwing in a brother figure because all the older boys had left. This section also wouldn’t be complete without mentioning sweet innocent Peter, the neighboring boy who falls in love with Ruthie (The youngest daughter in this shows main family) and becomes her best friend/boyfriend for two seasons, and practically lives with the main family while this occurs. Ya, for a show about a minister’s family the parents are surprisingly lenient with their 12 year olds love interest.

Did I mention the main family is made up of seven siblings? With chaotic relationship levels that far surpass anything going on in Riverdale (Okay, in Riverdale season 1). Ya, this show had 9 main characters on average, sometimes it has more. In fact, the freaking 10th season has about as many non main family main characters as it does biologically related characters, because so many people had left the show. You know, because it was in its 10th season!

Now, rolling back around to CW classics this show pulled, we have the siblings dating other sets of siblings. That’s right folks this happens often, but the flat out funniest instance of it ever occurring is with our two older sisters, Mary and Lucy. Mary, cheats on her fiancé (Who deserves a hilarity trope mention all of his own) by snogging a fire man, who she later kind of dates, and then by pure chance, Lucy, ends up love at first sighting said fireman’s brother, after the brother, Kevin, runs into to the sisters at the airport (Because he’s a cop, and Lucy could not travel to save her life). The love at first sight is so strong, Lucy and Kevin end up engaged, after Kevin uproots his life for her after like three episodes of dating. I’m not kidding, not a half season after first meeting these two are engaged!

And this isn’t even the first love at first sight sibling marriage! In fact, it’s the longest of any of them! Because Lucy’s older brother Matt, love at first sight overnight marries his wife in the shows 6th season. He does this less than 2 seasons after it is implied he married his on again off again semi true love, Heather, who he once crashed the wedding of.

And he still isn’t the worst of them. Remember how I said Mary’s fiancé deserves his own hilarity, well here we are. Said fiancé, Wilson, was her high school boyfriend, who was a teen father and widower Mary first met back in the shows 1st season (When Matt met Heather, funny enough). Well after many a boyfriend mishap (Including that found family member Robbi, see above) and a brief instance of stealing Lucy’s boyfriend, Mary ends up back with Wilson, and even engaged to him. But, see above, cheats and back and forths with Lucy’s future brother in law, Ben. And yet still, the guy she ends up marrying, isn’t in any way shape or form connected to any of the previously mentioned love interests. No no, her future husband, Carlos, shows up out of the blue and she shot gun marries him, briefly considers an annulment, than gives up after falling in love. Her and Carlos, end up with three children by the end of the shows 11th season.

What the heck was this show?

Simon, the sweetest and most clever of the siblings for about 4 seasons before the show forgets how to write him (A CW classic if there ever was one), also has some wedding drama of his own in later seasons, but as I like to pretend his character arc ended with his middle school girlfriend and clever money keeping skills half way through season 4, I won’t try and remember that few seasons of total soap opera crap.

There’s also Ruthie, the youngest daughter, (Who’s character arc might be the absolute worst of the entire show, even worse than Simon’s), almost made it out alive from this seeming sibling curse of stupidity. But she didn’t, and with the brief exception of her frankly sickly sweet relationship with Peter in seasons 7 and 8 (See above); everything seasons 9-11 they do to her is, to put it simply, painful and horrendous. Not only do they ruin a smart, kind, well rounded, and briefly referenced to be highly intelligent (They actual send her to a fancy private school, on scholarship, for a season and a half in season 5, before sending her back to Public school and forgetting this character trait), but they even tried to write her brief few months in a prestigious boarding school in Scotland (They fucking sent her to Scotland, where it is highly implied she got back with Peter at, because he moved there) as being a selfish and snotty choice. She’s selfish for wanting to learn and be educated in a foreign country, ya this show does higher education dirty for Ruthie while trying to push it for Mary and confusingly forcing it through Simon’s and Lucy’s plot lines in later seasons. Inconsistent writing, another CW classic.

To throw in some more, I’m just gonna list some of the craziness. Matt wedding crashes in the shows 3rd season. Annie (The mother of the main Camden family) has twin sons, Sam and David, also in the shows 3rd season (these twins have an 8 year age gap with Ruthie, the previous youngest). Lucy, Mary, and Matt have 7 children between them, including two sets of twins, by the end of the shows 11th season, ya how the heck the writers managed that I have no idea. Lucy’s husband, Kevin, ends up being quite rich, a fact not mentioned until he and Lucy are almost married. Simon at one point ends up hitting and killing a boy with his car (Ya, the later seasons really do his character dirty, has my anger about this been made clear yet?), this results in trauma, him getting sent to college early, and the ultimate downward spiral of his character arc. Oh, and how could I forget that Mary was a basketball star but ended up loosing her scholarship after she was arrested for vandalizing her school in anger over sports drama.

So to recap; relationship drama, check; arrests, check; murder, check; pregnancies, check; boys and girls can’t be friends without falling in love, check; seeming never ending levels of plot convenience, check; common old character returns, check. And, last but certainly not least, sucky character arc decisions because the writers have run out of ideas, check!

I hope this little spiral about a near three decade old TV drama has been educational and entertaining to all those who read it. And, in case it wasn’t clear, I have a personal biased for Ruthie and Simon, and a slight adoration for Ruthie and Peter; and Lucy and Kevin.

#the cw #riverdale #7th heaven #ruthie camden #simon camden #lucy camden #ah the insanity that was this show