Jun 8, 2017
family pt iii
Oh how I exist mother of mine, role model all because of you
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from China
seen from China
seen from Kazakhstan
seen from Netherlands
seen from India
seen from Singapore
seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from New Zealand
seen from T1
seen from Vietnam
seen from United States
seen from Yemen
family pt iii
Oh how I exist mother of mine, role model all because of you
Hey, wanna hang out?
I’m having a rough night I scroll through my Facebook friends trying to find someone I can talk to. Some one to connect with or that may have a genuine interest in my well being I can only come up with a handful and it is the same people I have been trying to reach out to all weekend. Want to know the sad truth? The majority of them blew me off. I’m sorry it may seem like I’m drowning in a sea of self pity right now but I am kind of going through a lot. It often makes me wonder if I pulled a Hannah Baker, how long would it take people to notice...a few days for my coworkers and boyfriend. Maybe a few weeks for the local friends. A month to a year for people at college or my hometown. I can’t even remember who I put down as my emergency contact. You know how people ask, what came first? The chicken or the Egg? Well it’s a similar scenario with depression and suicide. What came first? What were the warning signs? The time i tried to off myself in high school? The time I ran off the road in college? The time I slept through the majority of my classes? The time I drank every day, just to get through homework? When I started crying myself to sleep? When I started crying at work? When I started crying? For the night that I don’t remember my freshman year. For the father that never gave approval For the people who torn me down again and again For being pushed into a field I had no interest in For going to a school my family chose For never fitting in
mornings pt. 2
wake up listless feeling nothing empty, empty empty, empty empty, empty empty, empty
beatings
Remember to forget how it felt when she hurt you Focus on ignoring all the awful shit he’d spew Neglect the concern you feel deep down inside Stifle the growth of your independent stride
I’m here
I’ve texted you with no reply
Happy Birthday
I’ve emailed you with no reply
I’m sorry. Again. I’m going to therapy.
I don’t know if you see my posts.
I found someone! we are so happy.
I’m alone again but working on me.
I still miss your moon boots and talking to you.
Just know that I’m here if you ever need me.
Legacy
WHY CAN’T I WRITE HAPPY POETRY THIS MEDIUM NOT A REFLECTION OF MY TRUE EMOTIONAL STATE AT LEAST I HOPE IT ISN’T AT LEAST I KNOW IT ISN’T WHAT IF I AM UNHAPPY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IS IT POSSIBLE TO LIVE THIS WAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE HOW MANY SAD SHIT POEMS CAN I WRITE BEFORE MY FINGERS ATROPHY WILL I EMPLOY MY GRANDCHILDREN TO WRITE MORE SAD SHIT POEMS WILL THEY LAUGH AT MY SAD SHIT COMPILATION OF DECADES OF UNHAPPINESS AND UNFULFILLMENT AND CALL ME SAD SHIT BEHIND MY BACK OR TO MY FACE OR WILL THEY UNDERSTAND DO I UNDERSTAND
Ikagai pt ii
did I ever thank them properly for seeing my vision through and did I do things for the right reason and am I going in the right direction and will I ever feel satisfied is it okay to be this restless is it okay to feel this angry is it okay to not care
Comparisons
Loneliness vs Overburdened Hopelessness vs Listlessness Despair vs Apathy Clarity vs Ambivalence Purpose vs [REDACTED]