#sinceyou

[mariacheri]

This day a year ago drew a line so precise that my life now feels split in two: everything that came before it and everything that followed after. I know with a certainty that still unsettles me, that I would not be here as I am today had it not happened. But I still stand in the wake of that single, impulsive decision. Was it good? Was it right? I cannot say. It gave me both the gentlest highs and the heaviest days I have ever known, the kind that stay long after they’ve passed. It reshaped me in ways I am still learning to understand.

And still, I return to the quiet question that lingers beneath it all. If even one small thing had been different, would everything else have followed?

09 April 2025

09 April 2026 | 347 days since

Entry #16 | Filed under I just want to sweep everything else under the rug so I can hold on to this part of you, just for me

[mariacheri]

You’ve always taken pride in reading me. Hearing the change in my voice, catching the split-second hesitation when I answer no even though I really want to say yes, noticing how my hands turn cold and clammy when I’m nervous. You know me this well, which is why I can’t understand how you could miss the pain you’re causing now. Your version of being “logical” ruined me. In trying to avoid the possibility of us hurting or questioning each other, you only ended up saving yourself. It wouldn’t have taken much. Just a word, a goodbye. How hard could that have been? That's how easily you threw me out of your life.

[mariacheri]

You protected yourself, and I lost myself. I would shatter to keep you whole, yet silence spares nothing. It grows, it lingers.

[mariacheri]

Her beauty catches your eye, the way she thinks and speaks make you stay, but what truly compels a man to chase her oceans away

[mariacheri]

So this must be what it feels like

to find refuge in someone

who could also be your undoing.

A soul that feels like home

and a haunting all at once.

The kind of love you cradle carefully,

petrified that one misstep could shatter everything.

Terrifying in its tenderness.

Sacred in its risk.

Because I never want to know

a day in this life without you.

03 August 2025 | 98 days since

Entry #7 | Filed under I just want to sweep everything else under the rug so I can hold on to this part of you, just for me

[mariacheri]

There I was,

imagining how cruel distance could be

and there I was,

loving him anyway,

like thousands of miles never mattered.

14 July 2025 | 78 days since

Entry #4 | Filed under I just want to sweep everything else under the rug so I can hold on to this part of you, just for me

[mariacheri]

"Everything is gonna be fine". I could’ve told myself that. Or heard it from anyone else. But it had to be you. And somehow, that one sentence was all it took to calm me. Like somehow, only your voice knew the language of my storms. Or maybe because you’re the only person I’ve ever allowed to.

14 June 2025 | 48 days since

Entry #2 | Filed under I just want to sweep everything else under the rug so I can hold on to this part of you, just for me

[mariacheri]

"I can't believe you chose me", you said.

And all I managed to say was, "Of course".

Simple. Small.

But inside, my heart whispered something so much bigger

I can't believe you chose me either.

And I'll be forever grateful that you did.

Grateful in the quiet, tender ways

Like how you drive from work just to pick me up,

Then back to yours,

Then back to mine,

Then all the way home again.

Without question. Without hesitation.

Just love in motion.

Thank you for more than your words

For being the calm when things fall apart,

For showing up when the world feels too much,

For never needing an explanation when something's wrong

Just saying, "Tell me"

So I can spill my heart even when yours is tired too.

I've spent so long carrying things alone,

Thinking it was easier to stay silent,

To not ask,

To not need.

But then came you

Soft, steady, and patient.

And now, for the first time,

I'm learning it's okay to lean,

To be held,

To be loved this deeply.

Quietly and constantly.

06 June 2025 | 41 days since

Entry #1 | Filed under I just want to sweep everything else under the rug so I can hold on to this part of you, just for me