Sova sat on the edge of one of the rocky cliffs suspended above the cloud filled sky, legs hanging off the edge. The weather was finally starting to cool down a bit so in the blissful late evening there was enough of a chill in the air that it felt comforting. The moon hung above him, full and silent as it had on so many lonely nights out in the frozen tundra. He brought the cigarette to his lips, letting the smoke fill his lungs and burn his throat. An old habit from years of military service. Though he didn’t cling to its temporary comfort the way he used to as a younger man. But in the depths of his darkened mind, old habits die hard. The worst part of it all though was not being able to explain his negativity even to himself. There wasn’t anything wrong, not really anyway. Of course there were minor mistakes and problems that came up here and there, but it didn’t explain this.
His mind just delved in negativity. Exhaustion sat heavy on his shoulders. Disappointment in his eyes. Anxiety weighed down his feet. Doubt crushed his thoughts. Any small problem felt like it was going to haul him down into the depths and yet here he was. Gifted with his team’s trust and jokingly given the title of ‘golden boy’. He hated it. Of course there was a sense of pride to it, but only when he was at top form when he truly felt like he earned it. The moments when he held the codename ‘Sova’ with pride. But not now. Not when he was just himself. Not just as Sasha. No now he felt almost like he did back in the early years after getting out of the military. Lonely. Despondent. Confused. It just sat a little different with him now. Back then he would battle with rage and isolation vehemently because he had his family to look out for, a bright future of something in technical security perhaps. But now these emotions sat with him like old friends. They had become part of his being. He could barely remember what it was like without them there in some form. Yes he still had family to look out for. Some would argue even more so with the found family that is the VP, but in these darkest shadows it was hard for Sova to see it that way. The anger that festered in his mind always felt like a ticking time bomb. He never knew when the pressure would become too much. He would never lash out at a fellow agent. But on a mission he was a liability. And he knew that for certain.
He took another big pull from the cigarette, held the smoke in his lungs for a couple of moments, before slowly allowing it to escape out into the open air. The isolation was worse. He had spent so much of his life on his own. Performing as it was expected of him and asking for nothing in return. He rarely opened up enough to create any lasting friendships. The few that he had were dwindling and there wasn’t anything he could do about it.
Just the other day he had gotten a letter from an old comrade, informing him that one of the other people they both had worked with was killed in battle. It shattered him. One more person that he held dear lost. Another person he failed. Maybe he hadn’t failed him physically but he failed to keep in touch. He hadn’t spoken to them in over three years; when he had received a handful of letters asking how he was, what he was up to now, asking about his family, if he had finally settled down and met someone nice. Some friend he was. Just another burden to the pile that as he sat and thought on it only grew more and more. No wonder isolation had become so dear. He had brought it on himself. He took another pull from the cigarette.
He looked out across the clouds that hung below him. Highlighted in mournful moonlight. They almost looked like inviting piles of fluff. He shifted closer to the edge letting the idea wash over him. Imagining the rush, the blissful seconds of letting go completely. His mind did halt though thinking about the VP. So many memories with all of his fellow agents both good and bad. All the kind words shared with him during a job well done. An awful voice in his mind echoed forth bringing with it wave upon wave of anxious thoughts. ‘You are just a tool’, ‘Anyone can do what you do’, ‘You’ll only fail them too.’ The thoughts dug their claws into his heart and all the sudden the moon was much harder to keep in focus. Sova snuffed the cigarette.
He didn’t hear the footsteps approaching him over the screaming torment in his mind. A solid hand landed on his shoulder making sure to keep a grip on him.
“Sitting awfully close to the edge there, Sova. You’re making me nervous.” A calm and sincere voice, tinted with a charming accent said.
Sova tensed up. He had been caught, this was going to reflect horribly on him, he was going to be removed from the team. The spiraling thoughts cluttered his mind to the point he didn't realize his breathing had become unsteady and rapid.
“Sova hey, talk to me, what’s going on?”
The tight hold on his shoulder steered him to turn and look at who was speaking to him. Chamber. His throat closed up. But the fear and overwhelming anxiety shone in his eyes before he could do anything to hide it. He couldn’t even attempt to push it all aside and act as if nothing was wrong. His heart pounded in his chest as waves of desperation crashed over him. Sova searched Chamber’s eyes for anything that might confirm the fears flooding his senses. A sign that he was truly all the horrible things he thought he was. But there wasn’t anything like that. Instead warm golden eyes spoke of only concern. The hand on his shoulder did not waver, and did not let him go.
“Breath Sova.” Chamber spoke calmly, he took the archer’s hand putting in on his chest, “Follow my breathing.”
Something about his tone reached him. Somewhere in the depths of his scattered thoughts. Allowing him to follow Chamber’s instructions as he guided him through several deep breaths. After a few rounds of this Chamber could see that Sova seemed much steadier, clearly not okay, but not hyperventilating at least. He let Sova’s hand go from his chest but he kept his own hand on the archer’s shoulder.
“Do you want to talk about what that was?” Chamber asked. It was not a command and it didn’t hold the weight of someone that expected a response, it was just purely up to Sova on if he wanted to talk.
His throat was still tight but this time with shame. Shame that he once again felt like he had failed those around him. Shame that he had to be saved from his own thoughts.
“There’s no rush and you don’t have to tell me anything at all if that would be better. But I’m gonna stick around if you don’t mind.” Chamber stated, and moved to sit next to Sova on the edge.
This felt extremely confusing for Sova, he and Chamber had never exactly been close, hell they had never even really been friends. But for whatever reason the concern and the patience that the marksman was displaying felt genuine, and that was somehow comforting. Chamber reached into his vest and pulled out a cigarette of his own lighting it up with a golden metal lighter. He had done much the same that Sova had, pulling in a deep breath of the smoke and sitting with it for a moment before letting it dissipate into the air.
“You know, when I was getting recruited into the VP I thought we would have a headquarters that was a bit more centralized. Never thought about the fact that we would be living on floating islands.” There was a bit of a joking tone in his voice, and once again this felt disarming.
“But I can say this view with the stars is stunning. Never really got to see them much in Paris. Too much light pollution.” The marksman brought the cigarette to his lips again briefly. Sova looked up at the stars as well. Much like the moon they had always accompanied him through long nights. He had learned many of their stories as a way to entertain himself. Even getting to the point of coming up with his own constellations and their own stories behind them.
“Why are you doing this?” Sova asked, his voice strained and tense.
Chamber looked over at him, and there Sova saw it. His pain and struggles reflected back in stark clarity. He saw the subtle bruises that hung under Chamber’s eyes, highlighted by the pale light of the moon. His hair was a bit more messy from how he was used to seeing him. This alone strangled any half formed rebuttals his mind was scrambling to come up with.
Chamber took another pull from the cigarette, the smoke billowing past his lips on a shaky exhale.
“I know that look all too well Sova. I saw it on many of my colleagues' faces when I was in the military. I didn’t know what to do then, and unfortunately I realized too late that I may have been able to help more.” Chamber replied, keeping his eyes on Sova.
“I’m sorry.” It was said through a broken voice.
“Don’t be. You’re human Sova it is natural to experience these moments of self-doubt. It doesn’t make you less valuable, or weak, or broken. It just means you’re a man with a difficult past, and aren’t we all?” Chamber huffed in an almost self deprecating way, the cigarette moving to his lips.
These words sat heavy in Sova’s chest but still somehow soothed the ache that lingered in his ribcage. He didn’t have a response to that, just a new appreciation for Chamber and a new understanding.
They sat like that for quite awhile quietly watching the stars before Chamber snuffed his cigarette and stood up dusting his pants off.
He offered Sova his hand to help him up, simply saying, “It’s getting chilly out here, let’s go inside. I’d like to spend more time with you if you’ll allow me your company.”
Sova hesitated, lingering doubt clung to his mind. The soft smile on Chamber’s lips though caused a spark that severed some of the weight attempting to drag him back below. He took his hand and allowed himself to be pulled away from the ledge. For now leaving behind the rage and isolation. They could keep each other company.
