The Cabin in the Woods
or What if Thor wasn't a God?
A joint review...
Well this was better wasn't it? Nice bit of agreement that this is a good fun film. Should we be concerned that we find such comfort in gore fuelled horror? Meh.
The twist on the convention is revealed surprisingly early in the film, the first scene to be fair, which is a bold but brilliant move and we love it. You know that something is wrong. You don't realise quite how wrong it is, but you know you're in for something good. Unlike them kids. Who are in for a world of hurt.
It does raise the question how one gets a job in demon keeping. Asking for a friend... And while we're on the topic how do you think they screen candidates to make sure they don't fall in love with the monsters, anything specific to look out for? Again, just asking for that friend…
We both really recognised the two lead 'horror co-ordinators' (we'd be quite interested to know their official title as it’s taken us a while to try and work out what to call them, their names I suppose would have been better, Sitterson and Hadley) , which turns out to be because they are professional actors but it took us a while to work out where from. They're good, a little boys-clubby to be fully liked, and probably get what they deserve in the end, but pretty good none the less. Very gallows humour, and we do love that a lot. Fred from Angel was there too, nice to see. And Andrew from Buffy. The whole gang. We also have Daniel Truman, who doesn't seem to want to be there but is used as a good excuse for a little exposition, aside from the work place banter about killing kids for the elder Gods.
Aside from everyone dying horribly, would you want to work there?
@cassandrafey: No, I don't know that I am the right person to work there. It wasn't a very nice building, and no one seemed to be very nice to each other, and the monster slaughter at the end. But I suppose better to work there than be part of the rituals.
@becksxoxo: I work in a 1960s concrete monstrosity, and what's a little light-hearted work place banter between friends? For the majority of this film I was considering getting my CV updated to go for a job, but it does take a turn at the end I suppose. How bad does your current job have to be for you to consider being ripped apart by mindless monsters than go back to trying to be civil with certain colleagues? Mmmm mindlessly ripped to shreds...
Obviously this is where we are meant to be introduced to the stereotypes, the characters that these unassuming teens are meant to play. But we're not, not really any way, because as the film points out that's not really the way the world works, and you have to work with what you've got. We will say though that neither of us have got halfway through getting dressed and just forgot to put bottoms on. But then we wouldn't want the male gaze getting bored, would we?
Dana - the virgin
Jules - the whore
Curt - the athlete
Holden - the scholar
Marty - the fool
We know that they are all there to play a role (even if they themselves do not yet) but none of them quite fill this. They're all a little too well rounded, a little bit more real, and this cements that this is all a ruse. A forced narrative based on the classic, all a means to an end. It also makes the fact that they're all friends a little more meaningful. These are a group of friends, unlike the odd mixture in the traditional films who are so different that it makes no sense for them to be hanging out together, other than to fulfil the narrative.
As we're introduced to them all we get our first glimpse of our Thor. His head the same thickness as his neck. But he seems alright, questionable accent, but I guess we'll let it slide. To emphasise the point above he gives book recommendations on highbrow topics, and much to Cassandra's mother's probable disgust, Becks doesn't think that Chris Hemsworth (who Cass has referred to twice in her notes as C Hemmy - werp) has read a book. So good acting there, and proves he, at least before the manipulation begins, isn't just a big dumb jock.
Neither of us have ever been so desperate for petrol that we have had to stop at a murder garage, (we have just gone on a tangent about Jeremys and a highly inappropriate game, but we will spare you from both of these things) but again these things do seem to happen quite a bit in the American film business. Do y'all not have chain petrol stations? Or, just plan your routes and timings a bit better. Here's a little advice for you Cass when you're road tripping at the end of the month, go to a supermarket for your petrol, and don't let it get low. Also don't summon the dead from the comfort of your cabin, but we get ahead of ourselves.
We really enjoyed the guys at the facility taking the piss out of Mordecai, and how seriously he took it all. There's always someone at work who takes it all too seriously, and we don't condone work place bullying, but... Cass has also just added, just because you know the existence of elder Gods nearby that is not an excuse to live in squalor. So think on that good people.
Curt (dear old Chris) kept saying his cousin had bought a house in the woods, and we would like it to be known that we think it is pretty rich to try and describe that place as a house. Even a cabin is a stretch. Murder shack. Dirty, grubby, murder shack, complete with perv mirror, other people's possessions in the basement, all cursed, and a series of torture chambers that seemed to stretch further than the footing of the actual building. These architects really are good, aren't they?
We would like to take a moment to commend and applaud Jules and her make out session with that wolf. She really went for it, the acting, the kissing. It was very Angela Carter-esque, and we commend it. More worthy of an Emmy nomination than some people…
And this is where the hardcore manipulation begins (ooooh kinky). Japan has just fallen, and so have the other monsters around the globe, so it’s down to the good ol' US of A to save the day. Starting by making a girl get her tits out. USA USA USA...
We enjoyed the sweep stake, for varying reasons. Cass said she was coming at it from an academic viewpoint, and would have been intrigued to find out all the options available. Becks just likes placing bets on other people's suffering. We both did enjoy how sad Hadley was about missing out on that merman. His life's ambition.
Cass says there is probably quite an interesting debate to be had about freewill and religion here, but we are not going to have it.
Instead we will say don't read Latin (or any dead language really) out of old books. But then really, don't do any of the stupid things people do in horror films. Don't stand by windows. Or with your back to the door. Don't split up. Don't go have sex in the mossy mud when you have a perfectly good and more hygienic space. Don't reopen a locked door when you know there are murderers outside to go find your murdered friend, who you already know is definitely murdered. Don't go into basements. Don't buy a house with dead peoples things still in it. Don't leave your own house, find a place of your own and never leave. Don't talk to strangers. Don't have sex, you will get pregnant and die.
We then get to see them all killed off. This was more enjoyable for one half of the brain than the other, but the phrase 'you do you' has just been used so we won't go into much discussion about it, other than to say it’s good to see each trope be played out in such dramatic fashion, and to see the slow realisation of something not be right aside from the dead rising. Plus Marty is back so that's good too.
We also begin to see the cracks getting bigger down below, as the plan begins to shatter and the Gods begin to stir, and chaos begins to consume all.
We're not sure we'd like to descend a lift to hell, especially as it was more just a monster zoo rather than sexy party vibes that we'd hoped for. Cass didn't mind watching it happen to other people though. It was nice to see all the 'here's what you could have won' monsters in their little cubicles, until they were released and killed everyone. That was sort of a downer.
Then Sigourney Weaver turns up, always a treat, to give a motivational speech about the greater good. In her powder blue power suit.
Would we have killed Marty? No probably not, but for different reasons it turns out. Is the Shared Brain imploding? Is this the end? Should we point out evil and fix it, or should we join it and make it worse? Who knew this film could be so thought provoking?
We are both fans of horror, and especially a good ol slasher gore fest, so we enjoy this film for both gifting us with tradition but also flipping it on its head. We enjoy rubbing the underbelly of horror. We're also really pleased Hadley got his merman in the end, he really deserved it.
And that's it. What if...? season has come to an end, and we'll be taking a bit of a break for the rest of the month, to come back in April for Phase 4.
See you soon film fans...
