Thoughts on T4T Caves where Bear has been transitioning since he was a teen and Caulder only recently figured it out? 🫣
I can fuck with that I think 😌
The idea of Alex coming out, getting hormones and surgery faster than bear did gives me a little chuckle. Because "how'd you do that so fast? What's your secret?" Especially when Alex gets thick facial hair that doesn't get spotty the way Bear's did at first.
Bear who was always a little jealous of the way Alex got bulked up so fast even before T. Went from not passing, to not even a full year on T and passing at LEAST 80% of the time. And around the team even more. Bear and Buddha would speak up for him if he ever hesitated, which he very rarely did.
Personally I like the idea that Bear knew since he was like really young, and Alex also did, but didn't get the chance to transition until he was about 18-20 (for reasons I will not mention because that requires a lot of TWs), where Bear started around 15
Bear's biggest concern was top surgery (was good for keyhole, the most invisible kind of tip surgery). He hid any leftover tissue with muscle.
Whereas Alex was more concerned with bottom surgery. Specifically a hysterectomy. That was his first goal. Sterilization, then he could worry about everything else. The idea of pregnancy scared him like nothing else could. I'll let y'all connect the dots.
Caulder as "Didn’t confess because he knew they didn’t have much time left" (TBI, wink wink)
Bear as "Didn’t confess because he thought they had plenty of time" (to sort out his dysfunctional family and internalized homophobia)
🙂
Just shoot me why don't you 💔
*Makes it worse* (major character death warning)
No because Bear trying to cradle his lifeless body after he goes to seek Alex out and finds him on the floor. He doesn't say I love you, he doesn't need to. His voice is desperate enough as he begs Alex to wake up. Begs like he's never had to before. Raw and broken.
He didn't cry before when he had to drag Alex to the bathtub because he knew there was a chance there. But like this, laying against the cold floor without a pulse and broken ribs from attempt after attempt to wake him up.... There's nothing for them but a funeral anymore.
Would Alex want his ashes to be spread in the ocean? Bear doesn't know how fast his mind went to that. His hand over Alex's cheek as he brushes the skin, still yet to cool. He can pretend he's breathing if he just looks at his face. He's just asleep.
The ambulance isn't too far out, but he was already too late to begin with. He's not cold yet, but his heart strains all kinds of wrong and he just knows. He knows. There's no chance of bringing him back, not without brain damage—he doesn't even know that's why Alex is on the floor in the first place. Fuck, Bear knows that and he's still thinking that maybe. Just maybe... Despite knowing, he wants to think there's a chance.
He still kisses Alex's forehead before the paramedics arrive. He still holds him against his chest as if Alex can hear his heart. Alex is gone but Bear still promises he'll be there, he won't let go, he won't leave, just please wake up.
He thought there was time, dammit. That one day he'd take Alex somewhere nice, once all of this was over and maybe they'd sit next to each other after. Maybe they'd lay in the same bed and he wouldn't feel like he was doing something wrong. Why does he always think there's still time?
Now something different ! Because that hurt me !
Bear confessing in the hospital, after finding Alex just in time. Maybe not saying the exact words, but fuck, it's as close as he can get.
He just doesn't expect Alex to say it back. In their awkward, unsure way.
Alex almost dying—or actually dying for just a few seconds before Bear got to him—forced him to move faster. He can fix himself over time, soothe his fears. But he had to say it now, in case he doesn't get another chance.
He didn't have time to recover from Lena let alone have the capacity to recover if he lost Alex in the same day. He can work through that later, Alex just has to know now.
"I can't lose you" and "I love you" sounds dangerously similar when Bear can barely choke out the words himself.
Always thinking about Bear half-heartedly scolding Alex for hiding the TBI from him as Alex lays, barely awake, in a hospital bed.
It's weak, there's no power behind it. The last time Alex saw Bear so devestated was after Sarah, when the weight of the world was put on his shoulders and his alone.
Alex doesn't know Lena's gone. Alex doesn't know how close Bear was to almost losing everything.
He just hears the cracking of Joe's voice beyond the subtle ringing in his ears. He feels calloused hands cradling his cold ones on the bed.
He sees Bear breaking at his bedside and he can't lift his hand far enough to soothe the redness of his cheeks. He can't wipe away the tears Joe refuses to let fall from his eyes.
He can't say anything when Bear pauses his broken scolding. His throat is sore and dry, his voice won't cooperate beyond soft, pained sounds at the brightness of the light and the volume of the sounds around them. He doesn't need to say anything.
Something tells him that neither of them will be alone for a little while, at least, with the desperate way Joe holds onto his hand and the softened glance whenever Alex managed to squeeze just a bit.
Thought about Alex watching Bear get into a serious relationship with Lena when they were all younger, and not understanding why he feels so painfully jealous. It doesn't take long for him to realize he was jealous of Lena, not Bear—he didn't want her, he wants Bear.
