Anybody else creeped out when friends of their parents (50+ yr olds) come up out of the blue and say “Man, if I was 20 yrs younger” or something along those lines, as if it’s a compliment? Like you, a middle aged/old man, just came up to a 22 yr old in front of her mother and essentially said you were sexually attracted to them. In public. Yet my Mom’s standing there like it’s just a cute folksy thing to say.
Big City Interview Part 1: Lost in the Concrete Jungle
This day was about time for a good old-fashioned Proper Interview. Not an interview over the phone, or with a staffing agency, or through one of those garbage questionnaires, but one where I had to physically haul my ass to some office building to speak directly with the people who might eventually be my supervisors. More than that, actually--it was a Big City Interview. In contrast to the small-scale franchises or local businesses I usually applied to, this job was in a building tall enough for Spider-Man to swing off of, and to say I was intimidated would be an understatement. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
The first thing to note about this journey is that I got dressed in a minor rush; part of that process involved unbuttoning the the top two buttons of my dress shirt to put it on easily, and loosening my tie slightly to ensure I wasn't choking. Now, I want to point out that I was being strategic here, not lazy. After all, I don't need to look completely sharp while I'm driving. You might think I would have the intelligence to correct those shortcuts before the interview started. You would be wrong.
Now, despite my being in a rush, I decided to leave early just in case I wound up running into any problems, and this turned out to be correct enough assumption. See, the job I was applying to was located in a skeevy part of town. Not scummy--I don't think there was gang violence or anything--but most of the buildings and roads were cheap-looking and poorly maintained, with the notable exception of the massive billboards every few blocks. But the company I was applying to was anything but "skeevy"; on the contrary, it was shiny and green, a distinction sharp enough to fuel a dozen generic YA novels about class warfare.
As such, the campus of the offices where I would find myself that day were locked behind those kind of gates that make you validate parking with cards that they print out before they a metal arm swings up to let you drive in. I was not familiar with these sorts of machines, so naturally when I pulled up next to the parking pass dispenser machine, I was too far away to reach. I tried to stick my arm out, but no dice. I eventually had to kill the engine to my car, open the door, unbuckle my seatbelt, hit the button through the open car window, watch the paper come out and the arm swing up, close the car door, put my seatbelt back on, start my car up again, and move on my way.
The buildings were only a fraction of this size, but this is how they felt. Source: Free_photos via Pixbay
Now, this campus was a big place, with at least 5 different buildings for who knows how many organizations, few of which were labeled. All I had to go by was an address and suite number, but before I could even manage that, I had to find a place to park. I absolutely hate being stuck in my car, driving around without knowing where to park, so my policy when entering a new place is to find the first available spot I can see and wander around on foot. Right after I pulled in past the initial gate, I was directly facing a parking structure, so I pulled right on in there. There was another gate with an arm, so I was not--and still am not--sure that I was meant to park there, but when I pressed a button on an intercom the gate swung open so I moseyed on in and parked next to a black Honda Odyssey.
(Well, yes, the parking structure did have the word "visitor" on it, but other areas of the campus had the word "guest" used to refer to different parking spots, and will go to my grave without knowing the difference between the two.)
At this point, I got out of the car and examined myself. This time, I dressed myself properly. I had showered and my nice shoes were tied tightly on my feet. I had even thought to bring masking tape to help pick away at the cat hair that was all over my clothes. Now properly prepared for a legitimate interview, I set off to find the right building.
I immediately failed. All of the buildings on the corporate campus looked identical--massive, generic blocks of concrete and glass, with unit numbers hidden on one seemingly random face of the building. So I walked around, here and there, left and right. There were other people walking around, too. Some wore badges, but I couldn't check to see if they were from the company I was applying to without being creepy about it. Others wore headphones. The people seemed to come from all races, ages, and creeds.
Eventually I found one shorter guy with pathetic facial hair and asked him where I should be headed, which was right in the general direction of the parking structure, and specifically at a building I had walked past before after being unable to find the unit number on its side.
In order to properly explain what happened here, let me whip out MS Paint.
This is the path I had taken after leaving the parking structure (the N is me, with "N" standing for "Noodlehead"):
That big rectangular building in the center would eventually prove to be my destination, but since I couldn't see the unit number on it I walked right past it. All I saw was two small doors specifically labeled for electricians. Now, after talking with the guy, I found myself traveling back, looking at the building again:
After looking at what seemed to be the fourth and final side, I finally saw the unit number I was looking for. This side had a door, but it was completely unlabeled, which was the best option I had at the moment. At this point, I had maybe 10 minutes until my interview, so I wasn't running short on time, but I still needed to get into the building. I knew beforehand that I needed to call someone from the company to unlock the door for me, so I figured that this was the time to take out my phone.
It is around this time that I finally realized that my fly had been completely open all this time, revealing my blue boxer briefs for everyone to peruse. This, at least, I fixed.
I called the number I was given, hoping that I would see someone walk through the door, thus confirming that I wasn't completely lost. The person on the phone told me that she would open the door for me, so I waited a few minutes for someone to appear behind the door. They never did. I called again and asked if she was waiting for me, and she said she was--and she mentioned something about an elevator. There was no elevator outside, so I apologized, explained I was a little lost and would try to fix my situation shortly. So I wandered around a little more and was struck with A Revelation.
Apparently, my sense of direction was so monumentally shitty that I completely misunderstood the size and shape of the building I was walking around. Had I just kept going straight after leaving the parking structure, instead of turning right, I would have realized that the building was concave, and not a rectangle, and the entrance was very prominent and obvious. But instead I took the longest way around possible, confusing both myself and my potential employer.
So, in summary:
This is the true path I took. The interview hadn't even started, and I already felt like a dumbass.
