To Daniel,
I wish I could do this in person but I’m shaking just trying to write this. I’m scared of what you will say or think. I never wanted to be in this position -- I wanted to be the strong one who could help you through it all and never leave your side. Instead I’m drowning in my own problems and it isn’t until now that I’d realized I’m in deep. I need help too.
Lately a lot has been going on, for everyone. For me I’ve been feeling this darkness growing inside of me that seems to come out more and more. I justify it, I try to make myself forget about it. In the last few months I’ve allowed people to treat me ways I never would before, I allow myself to be used or become something on convenience. I get anxiety over things out of my control. I lock myself away in my room to paint rather than go out.
I’m not okay.
I feel like it’s taken a while for me to realize just how unhappy and unhealthy I have been. The thing is I’m in deep right now and I need help. I need my family close by, I need people who understand the way my life runs. I can’t keep up with your level of... extreme. I can’t keep being this moral voice for you. You need to decide what you live for, and how you live it. You need to accept the consequences for them though, your actions do affect other people - whether you like it or not.
The thing is you’re been like a brother to me in many ways. I’ve found a lot of joy with you, but also a lot of angry and sadness. I want to hold onto the joy though. The silly moments. The ones will laughter and jokes shared.
I’m going back home - for me. I need to do this. To take myself somewhere I have support and can seek the right kind of help. I shouldn’t be dealing with so much anxiety and feeling lost every other day. I want to be better than that. Writing this is so hard. I don’t want you to hate me, and I don’t want you to think I’m just leaving you. In no way is this easy. It’s breaking my heart but I know more than anything I can’t keep being unhealthy. My mentality needs to find peace. I need to do this for me.
I know a lot of this letter is about me. Pretty much all of it. Please forgive me I’m not that great at these things. Now here’s the part about what I know you can do, what I know you can be. I have watched you for months now slowly changing and adapting to the world around you. You are not the same person I met that first crazy day crying in the park. You’re more than that. You were so sweet when I met you I have no idea what would come. I’ve seen you do some stupid things, I’ve yelled at you over them and I only do that because I know you can be so much more. You hide this part of yourself that needs to shine because it is beautiful. You are this... You can be so much more but you limit yourself. All I want in life is for you to find joy with people around you without having to risk your life, going to jail or getting hurt. One day I want to see the smile reach your eyes because you had a good day at work, or maybe get a text about little Daniel’s running around. You deserve a full life -- what happened to you as a child does not mean you can not have everything in the future. You are your own worst enemy. Get the fuck out of your own way - seek help where you can, improve your life for the better. Be happy, completely happy.
On the back of the envelope is my contact details. I don’t want you to worry though, you need to focus on your health and your life settling. I need you to work out what you want in life, because right now I need to work on me too. If you hate me then I will have to learn to live with that... I don’t want you to but I have no choice. I can’t keep allowing myself to turn a blind eye to my mental health. I need to be selfish and do this for myself. I love you Daniel.
Can you please just keep an eye on Sage for me? And think about what you want in life - truly want? That’s all I ask. Please.
Oh, and to stay safe. People care. I care. I may be a flight away but I’m not gone. Call me, email me, whatever if you need me. I just need to focus on myself for a little while too.
I love you Daniel. So dearly.
- Renee Blake