Sage couldnāt help all the emotions she was feeling, while Renee lay there it was easy to forget what was about to happen. It had always been so easy to forget all the bad things when she was around Renee. āWell if youād only listened when I taught youā she teased. Sage grabbed Reneeās arm her hand tracing the girls tattooās, it was always so soothing. Sheād miss every inch of the girl and she didnāt know how sheād be ok after this. When she though about waking up and Renee being across the country it made her heart twinge. She laid her head on Reneeās shoulder when the female looked away her hands still tracing, trying to take as much in as she could before it was over. āI wanted to hear itā she breathed, trying to once again push down the lump in her throat. āYouāre not cruel, I donāt think I could take the not knowing. Not knowing if you love me. Because I love you more than I ever imagined I could, it was so scary when I realized it. When it hit me and it wouldāve broken my heart not knowing if you ever felt the sameā she wanted to just fall apart. The air was beginning to feel suffocating again. āI love you despite of a lot of things, like despite the fact that you love bacon and peanut butterā she joked trying to break the tension in her heart once again.
āIām easy I donāt need much, I came here with nothing.ā Sage swallowed hard, the idea of packing her things sounding so much better than the thought of having Renee leave. She would follow blindly behind if Renee even suggested it. She wasnāt scared she could never be scared with Renee. āI know, me going with you would defeat the point of you leavingā Sage understood why Renee didnāt want her to be there while she tore away at the things that depressed her but she couldnāt help but want to be. A tear escaped her grasp as Renee kissed her forehead, sheād miss that. She smiled fondly at the girl as she spoke. Honestly it was the other way around, sheād been so blessed to know Renee to experience Renee.
āReally?ā Her eyes lit up. Sheād never get an animal for herself. Always so indecisive. Her heart warmed as Renee mentioned the surprise kitten. āIm taking both then, if heās holding them for you.ā Another thing Renee would miss, so many things she would miss, so many things sheād be gone for. She wrapped her arm around Renee as the girl lay back down. Resting her head against her. Honestly Sage didnāt see the reason for words anymore. There was nothing left to say or do. She just wanted to lay there unmoving and breathe in Renee one last time before she was gone for good. She couldnāt cry anymore though she could feel the ocean of tears wanting to escape. There was nothing she could do, the decision had been made. In a few minute or hours or she was unsure how long Renee would be on her way to California and sheād be left to pick up the pieces of herself and she had no clue where sheād begin. She understood why the female was leaving but she hated it. If she thought ahead her heart felt like it was crushing in her chest so she refused to. āCan I ask for one more nightā¦ā Sage barely managed. Laying there beside her girlfriend, it was just another sleep over and she wasnāt actually leaving to California. The denial is what she needed at the moment so she didnāt beg her to stay for good. So she didnāt make the other feel worse. So she didnāt fall apart in front of Renee.
"Yeaah... I sort of found them really cute. I asked Riley and he thought it was a good idea - to like get you one and yeah.ā Renee looked surprised. āReally? Will you name one Luna? I can send you cute toys from LA for them. Y-you donāt have to though. You donāt have to take mine you can just have your own little one.ā Renee swallowed. She couldnāt believe she was missing out on Luna, but she was also gaining things. She could always get a cat in LA. Reneeās eyes softened when Sage asked for her to stay. She could hear the pain in the girls voice. āOne more night.ā Renee swallowed.Ā āRoll over. Let me hold you for just one more night,ā she whispered, turning on her self so she could get comfortable. Reneeās stuff was all packed away, in the morning she could kiss Sage goodbye and slip out of the city with the 8am traffic.
Renee barely slept though. She continued to wake, her gaze focusing on Sage. Some times she woke to the girl sleeping, others when she stirred awake herself. Renee shared little whispers, finding it both peaceful and harder with each word. If she could have a world with just Sage she would - but that wasnāt reality. Renee needed to be able to feel joy when she was away from the girl, it was only going to hurt her if she ended up relying on Sage for any happiness in her life.
As the sun broke through Sageās window Renee stirred. She found herself scared as the minutes ticked down. Each touch lingered a little longer, each kiss felt a little heavier. Renee almost regretted staying - it just made it so much harder to leave Sage.Ā āI should get on the road...ā she mumbled, her lips moving against Sageās, her hands holding the girlās face in place.Ā āIād drop you off somewhere if my passenger seat didnāt have boxes on it...ā she pulled back her eyes meet the female.Ā āYou know... It has been the greatest honor being your love... and I look forward to when I see you again.ā She gave a weak smile.Ā āI love you Sage.ā She pulled away, picking her bag up. Renee knew if she lingered any longer sheād pack Sageās stuff and pull her along with her. She started to tremble again, forcing herself to take deep breaths.Ā āUm Iāll call you from the first motel - so you know Iām safe. Or text... whatever is easiest... email even. Unless you donāt...ā Renee looked at her feet.Ā āUnless you want some space. Iāll understand. Just.. maybe you call me when youāre ready to talk?ā She swallowed.Ā
āYeah do all three, all at once. Everyday after you settle inā Sage smiled the hope of never having to go without Renee. No pressure of labels in case the other found someone else. Of she had to go a day without it would be too much. But use understood that space was needed, or she thought she did. The longer she thought about it the less space she thought they needed. Maybe they could do the long distance thing, but maybe that was too much that Renee didnāt need the pressure. āYou canāt swear in Disney Land, but I might just appear to see you show up all sassy likeā Sage smiled nuzzling closer into Renee. The change of emotion was much needed, the pain was suffocating at first. She hang expected it, she wasnāt prepared and she felt as if the wind was knocked out of her. But the longer Sage sat there the longer the talked the more at ease she felt. She felt Renee speak, her breath tickling at her skin āI am better than you at a lot of thingsā she joked. āBut youāre better at so many more thingsā she smiled.
Sage was unsure where things stood, it didnāt feel like an ending, maybe a pause. Time for Renee to heal but sheād be right back with her when she could. There was so much left in the air, how things would work but sheās focus more on the what could happen rather than it just being over. They didnāt feel like empty words from two broken hearted girls it felt like real honest promises. She felt Renee un tense against her as Sage said the words bad āyou honestly think I wouldnāt say it back?ā She chuckled. āJust come look for me when you can, i will be right here.ā
āAm I your last stopā she choked out. She wanted to hold on and not let go. Keep Renee here with here in their own happy little bubble. Where they always ended up. āI want to go with youā she admitted weakly, nothing anchored her here like Renee had. She tightened her grip, but she knew soon sheād have to rip her grasp away ask have to watch her walk out the door. āYou promise youāll drive safe? Do you need anything I can pack you some snacks or something, Iāve got so saved of for your trip you can shave so you can crash at nice hotels along the way. I donāt like the idea of you staying in crap motelsā she shook her head shuddering at the thought. āYour laugh is intoxicating, I could probably listen to it on repeat. Itās like a breath of fresh airā she smiled lazily.
āGo backpacking and I can take you camping, maybe Iāll show you around my home town one day, got to Paris, and ride one of those gondola things in Italy. Iāll sing the Bella note song really badlyā none of it Sage could picture as friends. Renee was her best friend but she could imagine never kissing the other again. Never touching her the way she had before. āMake memories in India, Australia, even Russiaā she nodded at the thought. Of it never ending. Sage laughed as Renee took a shirt and pulled it over herself. āYou can take more if you want. Iāve got plenty more where that came from.her eyes followed memorizing every inch of the girl as she laid back beside her. "Wait you got a me a huh?ā She shook her head her eyebrows pulling together.
āOh watch me - Iāll swear til my heartās content,ā she said to the female. āMm oh yeah?ā Renee could feel herself flirting with the female, unintentionally but a natural reaction to Sage. Even whilst breaking up she could feel the draw to the female - the natural way they interacted with each other since the first first day they met. Renee looked up at the ceiling, knowing how much she would miss this. Miss Sage. Miss laying in bed with the girl. She couldnāt wait to get back on her feet, to feel stable again - to have this once more. That is if sage still wanted it then. āI think weāre about even... youāre pretty good at a lot Iām not good at. Like I still canāt work out focusing with your camera.ā
Renee looked away at Sageās question.Ā āI- I didnāt even know if I should say it... Iām cruel to you... I didnāt expect you to say it back because... I donāt feel like I deserve it right now,ā she admitted, her voice weak. It hurt so much to know Sage loved her, and to admit she loved the girl.Ā āBut at the same time... Iām glad you did. Now I never have to worryĀ āwhat if I stayed... would she ever love meā. That you love me despite what Iām doing...ā Renee swallowed.
Renee tentatively nodded. She was only stopping for Sage. She didnāt know who else to visit without breaking. Daniel was in the hospital, she couldnāt face him. Saying goodbye to him whilst in a hospital would be awkward and hard to do. To walk away when he needed help. But how much help, how much of herself, could she give to Daniel? The femaleās heart ached when Sage said she wanted to go. Renee brushed her hand against the girlās cheek. āI canāt ask that of you... I donāt even know what is about to happen in my life... things are going to change. Iām going to be dealing with my sister... looking for a new job... I no security except for my family. I canāt ask you to chase me when Iām driving blindly...ā She swallowed. Maybe one day Sage could join her. Start a life in LA where itās almost always warm. āI cleaned out the stuff in my fridge.. thought Iād pick up some stuff on the way. I- no baby... Iāll be okay. I have money and.. Iām going to be okay.ā She kissed Sageās forehead. Even know the girl was worrying over her. āYou know... I have been blessed to have you in my life. To have shared what we have... and what we may one day share again.ā
āEw camping,ā Renee laughed, thinking about how Sage kept wanting her to go real camping. She sucked on her lower lip as Sage kept listing this trips that may never happen. They all sounded so amazing. āIāll have to make a āSage fundā and put money away every week just to see the world...ā She walked back to the bed, curling up against Sageās side. She nosed Sageās cheek. āWell... you see... Rileyās cat had kittens and theyāre so cute... and I was going to get one for you and me. Two little black ones. Mine was going to be called Luna. Theyāre still little and so I canāt take one and I wonāt be here so... I guess I wonāt have Luna. But if you want... Riley knows which kitten I picked out for you. If you donāt want it there is no pressure - there never was going to be. I was going to surprise you.. I thought maybe it would be nice to have a pet of your own.. and we could raise them together.ā
Sage was having a hard time grasping on to the concept that her and Renee would no longer be a couple. Sheād always be taken by the female, and all of her would always belong to Renee, she wouldnāt just take pieces when she left. She couldnāt help the smile that played at her lips at the mention of meeting up again.Ā āWe can plan it, you text me when you feel like everything is sorted out, and I will book the first available flight out your way, you owe me a trip to Disney Land, I canāt go with anyone else, no one will keep the costumed freaks awayā she chuckled with a sniffle. Despite them being all they were now, Renee was Sageās best friend and moving on wasnāt something she planned on doing.Ā āI know I donāt have to. But nothingās ruined, things are just a little complicated right now, itās not the first or last obstacle we have or will crossā she offered her a hopeful smile. She knew she didnāt have to wait for Renee but she knew she always would. The girl would always be in the forefront of her mind.Ā
I love you.Ā The three words froze her, where she lay, and she felt this sudden wave of happiness overwhelm her, then the crushing sadness. Wiping the tears that fell so quickly from Reneeās eyes, she cupped her chin and locked her own tear stained eyes with the others. Momentarily she got lost in Reneeās blue eyes, they were a different color now, so much brighter than theyād been. Sageās eyes softened as she looked into her girlfriends eyes. āI love you, too.ā she had never really realized the power in those three words before.Ā āI will always gravitate back to you. Iāll find you again, once you find yourselfā she smiled as her eyes welled with tears.Ā
āWhere are your things?ā Sage swallowed hard, she tried not to think of the empty room Renee left behind, the empty walls that would probably be painted over to replace any trace of her now ex girlfriend.Ā āSheās blind not to see the amazing friend you are and were to herā Sage thought she might give the girl a piece of her mind whenever she saw her again.Ā āI shouldāve just asked you to move inā she shook her head, maybe that was part of the reason Renee was leaving, not having enough support surrounding her. Sage couldnāt helo but think of all the ways she couldāve done more. Sage reached her pinky out to lace with ReneeāsĀ āpinky promiseā her voice sounding sad. āI love that soundā The laugh that left Reneeās lips was a much needed break in the sadness, to hear the girl laugh once more. Despite all of what she was going through it made Sage feel as if though it was true, she was what kept her girlfriend afloat.Ā āIt can be out pact, no matter where we are, every year we will plan a trip. Thereās so many dot stickers I have to put on that mapā though the thought made her happy, it pulled at her heart. So many plans that would go undone. Sage closed her eyes and sighed as Reneeās lips met her foreheadĀ āYou can stay as long as you wantā she spoke without hesitation. Sage rolled herself out of Reneeās grasp, laying on her back she motioned for the other to lay on her.Ā
āText... call... skype...ā Renee mumbled. She felt like she should still give Sage some space. Let Sage make the move in who contacted who and how. She laughed at the comment about costumed freaks. āOh you think I would let you go to Disneyland with anyone but me? I would like march all the way to the Disney gates and confront you like ābitch please, your tour guide has arrivedā,ā she snorted. Renee could not believe she was laughing with Sage right now. The thing was coming here she was in such a dark place. Talking with Sage, having Sage understand and support her... yeah it hurt but it also lightened her. It took a weight off her shoulders and it allowed Renee to just enjoy Sage. Ever minute together counted right now. āYou know... youāre much better at this romance thing than I am,ā she mumbled, nose against Sageās cheek. āTelling me weāll have more obstacles... pretty romantic if I do say so myself.ā Renee reached to touch the key around her neck. She swallowed.Ā
The more they talked the more it felt like they werenāt ending... just going through a process some relationships had to deal with. It wasnāt that neither loved each other, it wasnāt ending out of anger and hate. It was painful but it was also healing - at least to Renee. That Sage cared so much she was willing to let Renee focus on herself and her health for a little while. Before today Renee felt like no one would do that for her. She was struggling to do it for herself. The phonecall to her dad had been almost as hard as this - explaining things and having a breakdown in the process. She had some soul searching to do. Renee would open that file, and sheād find out about her history. Renee would heal and grow stronger in herself. It wasnāt going to be easy but it would happen.
Renee worried she shouldnāt have said those words. It was cruel of her but it was also cruel to leave Sage not knowing how important she was. She watched the way Sageās face changed as the information sank in. As she replied Renee let out a heavy sigh. She hadnāt realized she was holding her breath. Renee closed her eyes, letting Sageās comments wash over her. She made it sound so easy. Renee really did hope Sage would find her again one day.
āCar mainly... my dadās hiring someone to come get the furniture and ship it to LA... PB and J are in a portable tank and Iām trying to work out how Iām getting home still. Iām thinking of driving.. the open road sounds nice and it means I get my car back easier. I think... once we decided I need to go home I just started packing. I... I knew it was the right place to go. I just... youāre the only thing I donāt want to leave behind but I have to..ā Renee sniffed. She was probably a mess right now - red from crying so hard. Renee didnāt say anything more about her now ex roommates. She didnāt even leave them a letter. Renee had only left a few for some of the males around the apartment. She thought of leaving SJ one but decided not to. Renee looked confused before realizing Sage was referring to her laugh. āWell you know how to bring it out of me..ā she mumbled.
Renee thought can we make a pact where one day when you find me again you never leave me, and I never leave you. Growing old together sounds too perfect. āItās a deal,ā she smiled weakly. āWe could go all over the world. See crazy stuff, drink too much booze. Escape together...ā Renee almost wined as the girl pulled away. She missed her warmth instantly. Renee looked at the other as she laid back. āNot yet-ā She stood up as Sage motioned for her. She looked for a top of Sageās to pull over her own. She was stealing it and there was nothing Sage could say to get it back. Renee climbed back on the bed, tucking against her now exgirlfriend. āOh yeah... I kind of got you a cat.ā Renee pulled her best poker face.
Once again the feeling bubbled up it felt like there was something in the way, something interrupting them always. Soulmates that met at the wrong time. Maybe one day theyād meet again in a different place at a different time and pick up where theyād left off. āThatās not how I meant- I didnāt- This is your closet and youāve got me like I have you, but I had other people to turn on the light too and you didnāt have to take the burden all on your own and I got out of the place that kept the closet dark and now youāre in it and thereās not enough people to turn on the light. Itās a dumb metaphor but I get it. I can keep turning it on but everyone else will just keep turning it off and youāve got to relearn how to keep it on, on your ownā she tried to keep her lip from quivering, she tried to keep the tears from falling but she couldnāt and she just wanted to fall apart. āYou dive into things, you dive into people you forget yourself. You forget to come up for air, and you canāt drown yourself for anyone else, even whales have to come up for air sometimesā she shrugged. Sage wanted to crawl underneath her sheets and freeze these last few hours with Renee. Not leave this spot.
The hope of seeing Renee after today made a smile crack on Sageās lip. Hope took place of the heartbreak she was feeling but could she do this again. āI- I donāt know. I would like to but I- I donāt know. Donāt sell them please?ā She asked her eyes wide. āYou didnāt fuck anything up, Ren. You still have me.ā Sage pulled her in close beside her the space felt awful and she just wanted to be close to Renee because itād be the last time. āI donāt want to think about that part right now, ok. I donāt want to think about finding someone else or moving on, or forward or whatever. I canāt think about Ā not having you. I canāt deal with that part right nowā she shook her head at the thought her eyes watering once again her throat closing up. She didnāt know how sheād move on. She gave everything she had to Renee and it was all being ripped out from under her. āMyā¦my door is always open f-for you and if I ever find myself in California your door will be the first door I knock onā she gasped through the sentence and bit her lip, attempting to suck back the tears. Her head hurting from a mix of the knot in her stomach, the tears, and the pain in her heart. Sage leaned in slowly her heart racing in her chest placing a gentle kiss on Reneeās lips. āYouāre my first love and Iām so glad that you are, you have given me so much and I- I donāt know where Iād be without you. You are always so proud of how far Iāve come and itās been the best feeling having that. I can see forever with you, and itās so good to see forever because before you I never made it past todayā she sniffled as the tears continued to fall.Ā
Sage gaze traveled to the pictures as Renee tore them out of her scrap book. She picked up each piece as her girlfriend laid them on the bed in front of her and studied them. The first one from their date night, every imperfection Sage saw on her skin looked like the most beautiful thing when Renee drew it. All of her favorite moments with Renee captured better than Sage ever could with her camera.Ā āTheyāre too beautiful to be hidden away, my walls are looking kind of bareā she tried to smile through her frown but the corners of her lips wouldnāt turn up. Grabbing the pictures the words Renee spoke still fresh in her mind she couldnāt contain it anymore she gently placed them on her nightstand sheād have to find something to hang them with. She engulfed Renee in a hug, shaking the bed, as it laid them both down, Sage almost entirely on top. āI see it every time Iām with youā she muttered against her neckĀ āI didnāt know what it was like to feel beautiful until I saw the look in your eyes, the way you draw me, the way you make me feel. I didnāt know any of that until you showed it to me, and Iām not going to let that all be forgotten. I promise but you have to promise me that you wonāt let people drown you with their things too. You are so much more than a side character, and you deserve to see that, you deserve all the happiness you spread to everyone else. You are the most stubborn, frustrating, amazingly loyal human being ever and I would hate to see anyone step on your fire. You are so much and more and I love you enough to not fight you for leaving but you have to promise to love you enough to not fall back into the darkness once youāre out, ok?ā Reneeās neck was wet with the tears Sage was crying and she hope the girl understood her through her sobs.Ā
There was an internal part of Renee that settled as Sage talked about metaphors that seemed to make sense more and more. Renee sucked on her lower lip, watching Sage as she talked. She couldnāt bring herself to stop her - just having this time to watch the girl was special to her. Renee wished she could pack Sage and take her with her for good, but she would still have her problems to deal with. Renee swallowed.
āWell the tickets are all open dated.. and I can call the airport to change the flights.. you could come spend some time with me... " she felt her heart fluttered. Was it bad she was getting excited for the chance of Sage seeing her? That she wouldnāt quite have to give up the female. Maybe if Sage visited she could convince the other to stay in LA with her - that is after her health had improved.Ā āI- I donāt either but I donāt want you to.. feel like you have to wait for me. Thatās not right... not fair. Iām the one doing this, ruining things and... I donāt expect anything okay? If you decide tomorrow to never talk to me again then... I will respect you. I always will.ā Renee felt sick at the idea of Sage with another girl, or not in her life anymore. She also felt guilty - it wasnāt right for her to block Sage from seeing anyone else. She just hoped that Sage found happiness in the end - that she didnāt hide in the closet again. Never again.Ā Renee tilt her head into the kiss, one she didnāt expect. Her hand came up to cup the girlās cheek. She could taste the salt of sageās tears and hated that she was the reason the girl was tearing up.Every word the female said was killing her. āSage... God Sage...ā she choked on her words, a new wave of tears. āI love you-ā she choked out, hating that she had never said that until now. Hating that it took this much pain for her to be brave and say them. She let out a tired laugh. āI see forever with you too... and I say that maybe we donāt have tomorrow but that does... that doesnāt mean we wont find each other baby... that doesnāt mean we wont have a time. I... I have to hold on to that..ā
Renee glanced around Sageās walls. āI.. I started packing right away... and I want to get out... I.. Belle and Benji seem to be gone for the day and it just seems easier... not like Belle notices me anymore.ā Renee shrugged, glad to be leaving the apartment. Sheād rather live with people she liked and who didnāt make her feel like shit when already upset. Renee let out a laugh as she was suddenly toppled over. The reaction was just natural, she didnāt know where the laugh came from. It was just so nice to be so close to the other. Renee slid her hands up the femaleās hips, wrapping her arms around her. Could she keep Sage like this for just a while longer? āPinky promise?ā Renee whispered, holding her pinky out for the female. Renee nosed the girlās cheek, her eyes closing as she breathed Sageās scent in. āShh.. itās going to be okay... weāre going to be okay... This hurts I know... but we are strong. We can get through this. If- if you need me you just call me baby... and I will try so hard to be there if you need me. Maybe we can go travel once a year or something...Or more. As friends or... to see each other... just us.ā Renee swallowed.Ā āYou know.. fill in our journals.ā Reneeās lips found the girlās temple.Ā āCould... If itās not to much.. can I stay here for a little while? Iām not ready to let go of you... to leave yet.ā
Sage held her tighter as Renee began sobbing and trembling. It was easy to sit and comfort her girlfriends, although Sage felt as if she was just barely keeping it together. But Renee had done it for her so many times before, and despite the fact that Renee was breaking up with her she knew it wasnāt easy for either of them. That was obvious with the way Reneeās body was trembling. āYou canāt let me hold you back, youād end up hating me, resenting me if you chose me over yourself. You were patient and stood beside me while I learned to fix myself, you made all my broken bits feel beautiful. I want to do the same for youā Sage wiped away at the tears the trickled down her eyes. She flinched as Renee pulled herself away, but sat up straight trying desperately to remain as calm as she could. She took that moment confused while Renee rummaged through her bag. Every word felt like burning coals down her throat so hard to swallow. āI just want you to be ok, I want you to be happy and thatās not hereā her voice barely audible.
Sage watched as Renee turned through the pages of her sketchbook. So much pain, so much sadness. Amidst those there were some colorful ones. Happiness, love, comfort is all you could see in those splattered with color. āI- Iā she was at a loss for words. āThank youā she managed she was grateful to see them, it put so much more in perspective ātheyāre beautifulā she couldnāt help it as the tears started to fall because they were. Renee was all the things she hadnāt planned on ever having. āI love that Iāve been that for youā <i> I just wish it was enough </i> she thought to herself. āI want you to be that again the person I- ā she stopped herself as Renee did but the words ready to tumble out. She knew in that moment as well and Renee didnāt have to say it, Sage was glad she hadnāt. āThe person I know the Renee I get to see with the smile that could make my entire day better. The girl I met by the bench while I was being bitter about life and turned such a lousy day into the most memorable day of my life. I understand you need to leave because I donāt want you to break hereā She understood but she was only human and every seed of doubt was planted in her head. She wasnāt enough to pull Renee out of where she was, even though Renee was enough to do that for her. āI promiseā she lied because Renee didnāt need anything else to feel bad about. āItās not selfish to put your feelings firstā she reached a hand out to wipe the tears the stained Reneeās cheeks. Lifting her self off her seat and walking to the side of the bed she sat down at the head and patted the spot beside her for Renee to sit beside her. Pulling a small box from her night stand. āI was going to give this to you in Californiaā she opened the small box that held a key. āI thought a promise ring was too cliche, it wouldāve been three months tomorrow. I uh-ā a small sob escaping her lips. āIām sorryā she mumbled taking a deep breath. Pausing for longer than she thought sheād need to. āI had this stupid speech prepared that if you didnāt want to use it as a key, itād make a cute piece of jewelry which is why I put it on s chainā she fiddled with the box on her hand. āTake it with you? If you ever come back and Iām still here-ā she couldnāt finish the sentence because as much as she wanted to hold hope, it was a four letter word that would break her.
āThats not- Sage... You arenāt holding me back. YOU are the only thing that has been holding me up. I... You have helped me in so many ways but right now... its not about you and me.. its about me and the rest of the world. The rest of the people and the rest of the way I interact with things... I donāt know what is wrong with me... and I canāt... I need to have my family right now. Please-please donāt think you werenāt good enough or that.. that you werenāt there for me. God Sage... I swear on my life you were the best thing I ever came across in Chicago. Donāt you see that?ā Renee whispered, his voice barely getting her point across. āYou make me happy - so happy...ā Renee reached to brush her fingers over the girlās cheek.Ā āBut I only find joy when Iām with you... and I need to find some inner joy first...ā She swallowed.
Watching the female stand Renee could feel the distance growing between them already. She rubbed at her eyes, listening to Sage talk.Ā āYou... I didnāt know what to do about the trip... I... You could still come to see me...ā she said softly.Ā āOr we could cancel it.. I could give you the money... Iām so sorry Iāve fucked everything up,ā she said, a new wave of tears coming through. She was feeling panicky again, her anxiety building up as she realized how much she was given up in search for some inner peace -- but she needed that inner peace first. Renee swallowed thickly as Sage explained, feeling horrible. "Of- of course..ā Renee reached out to take the key and heart locket. She looked it over, breathing in deeply.Ā āSage... You..-ā She sighed.Ā āI donāt want you to wait for me or... come after me. I want you to go out there and be free to experience the world... but if I come back... Iāll be on your doorstep the moment I get here. If you.. if you are ever - ever - in LA please come see me. Even if its for coffee... I understand space is going to be needed naturally to deal... but I canāt lose you for good. I- you- Youāre my first love... and I couldnāt stand thinking Iād never see you again.ā Renee was shaking still, her body overwhelmed with emotion. With a trembling hands she put the key around her neck. Renee reached for her sketch book, pulling out a few pages.Ā āI... I wanted to give you... you some.ā She motioned to the art work with her chin.Ā
Renee pulled out four pieces of paper. One was of a naked Sage, from her chest up. It was one of the pieces sheād done that night together. Renee laid it on the bed.Ā āTo remember how beautiful you are in your own skin... Donāt change how you look for anyone. Youāre beautiful..ā She stopped for a moment to tuck some hair behind her ear.Ā āUm.. this one is from memory... the um ball. The way you hair fell down and the dress touched around your neck... that dress..ā she swallowed thickly, looking at the watercolour piece of Sage with her eyes shut. Renee showed the neck page, a painting that was full of colour - not a single piece of blank canvas.Ā āThis... This is how I see you... to the rest of the world that is in grey you are... a rain forest of colours.ā She took a quick look up at Sage.Ā āI beg you... donāt fade away. Please donāt. You need to be true to yourself okay? Completely true because Sage... your soul is so pure... there is no one like you.ā Finally she revealed the last piece of Sage with the galaxy around, a smile playing at her lips.Ā āOh.. oh this one of my favorites. You... you having the world at you fingertips. I - I want you to have this to um remember that you are more than what you have been, and that there is so much out there still.. To take each day and experience life.ā She bit her lip, pausing for a moment.Ā āYou can hide them away, throw them out whatever... but I need to give these to you.. so you know you are so much than you allow yourself to see... and one day I hope you see yourself like this. Iām... Iām sorry I never got you to truly see it.ā
The book of Sage: Renee has drawn Sage in so many ways that her sketch books overflow with colour. Sage brings the light when all sheās been drowning in the dark. Renee swears Sage is something beyond this world. An angel, a goddess... She isĀ the definition of beauty. @sage-nilsen
Sage sat up straight as Renee told her she just needed to talk. She understood that, so she sat in silence as the girl began. She swallowed hard as the first sentence hit her heart like a ton of bricks. Renee wasnāt ok, she sensed it, she felt something was wrong but she couldnāt place it. Sage knew she was right to worry with everything that was going on. Her stomach twisted as the girl continued, her eyes falling to their entertained fingers. Renee was choking through her words and it tore at Sage, there was a handful of times sheād seen her girlfriend upset but none close to this. There was so much Sage wanted to say but she could see Renee needed to let it out. <i> Going back home,</i> The words felt like a punch to the gut. She fought to swallow the lump in her throat. Her eyes watered and she tried not to let the fall as Renee continued.
She stared at the wall behind Renee she couldnāt look because she would break of she did. She felt like she was having an out of body experience. Sage nodded in queue to Reneeās statements. She understood the darkness, she understood it all, and for a moment she wished that Renee wouldāve done something awful to her. It wouldāve been easier to hate her because it hurt so much to love her. This epic love story that shook her world at its core was over, and it felt like she couldnāt breath it hurt so bad, and it sting when Reneeās pinky tore away from hers. She scooted herself right beside Renee and wrapped her arms around her. āI understandā she muttered her voice weak, and swallowed before speaking again.
āI left Minnesota because I felt like there was only two options. Iā¦I understand.ā Sage couldnāt turn this on her because no matter how much it was about her. It was that much more about Renee. āY-you have to be happy with yourself and Iām-ā she paused once again unable to keep the words flowing without getting choked on the lump in her throat. āYou have to think about you, and I understand that means putting yourself first sometimes because you canāt love me if you canāt love yourself, you canāt truly be happy with me if youāre not okā she couldnāt hold the tears back and speak anymore. āDonāt be sorry, please. You donāt have to apologize for doing what you need to survive, to be happy.ā Sage hated more than anything that she couldnāt have all her happiness here with her. āYou are the most amazing person I have the pleasure of knowing, and I would hate to see you lose yourself anymore than you have. Iād hate to see the light keep leaving your eyes, they speak all the words you canāt say and I see it. I donāt want you to leave god I donāt. But youāre leaving anyways if you stayā the last words came out as more of a choked up cry. There was nothing she could do at that moment. Sheād lose Renee no matter what.
Reneeās body trembled. She was expecting Sage to yell at her for being selfish, for hurting her like she knew she was. Instead the girl was holding her, telling her it was okay. It only made Renee cry harder. She hated this, but she also knew it was the right thing to do for herself.Ā āI hate this- it hurts so much- and itās like... I donāt want to give you up but I have to.. I have to do this. But you have so much going on too and I want to support you but Iām not in the right mind to be able to do that.. I canāt even look after myself..ā Renee turned to hold Sage in return.Ā āI wish- I feel like Iāve lost so much and yet gained so much through you... I never... never want you to ever think you were destructive of me. Sage...ā Renee pulled herself away, wiping her tears as she scrambled for her backpack.
Renee pulled out a sketch book, pulling it to the bed. Without another word Renee opened the book up. She started leafing through pages. In front of the girls dark paintings and sketches filled the pages. Shadows loomed, sad faces reflected back. Suddenly there was a burst of colour, and they were looking at Sage. Renee flicked to the next page, and another, and another. Drawings, paintings, cartoons, sketches, met their gazes. All somehow reflective of Renee. Some dark pages filled between them but not one with Sage showed any of that darkness.Ā āI want - I want to be what you give me... I want to be this again,ā she whispered, her finger brushing over a brightly sketched Sage.Ā āThis... you... have shown me so much... and I... l-ā Renee swallowed. She wouldnāt be cruel. She wouldnāt say. She wouldnāt break Sageās heart only to tell her she loved her.Ā āIt kills me Iām doing this to us... to you. I couldnāt do this over the phone or anything like that... You deserve this in person even though it is ... breaking my heart too. Promise me you wont think youāre everything less... that you donāt deserve everything. You do. You deserve so much joy... so much... I want you to be happy... even without me.ā Renee hadnāt looked up from the page yet, tears still fell from her cheeks.
A wave of relief flushed through Sage as Renee confirmed Daniel was ok, for the most part. Still in the hospital but he was still under care. The knot in her stomach immediately returning as she pulled away from the hug, at the look on Reneeās face. Her eyebrows pulled together looking over Reneeās face, trying to pick up on what had her so upset.
She stepped aside āof course, yeahā her gut was in her bladder as she stood there. Maybe she wasnāt able to get the time of for their trip, Sage thought to herself. What had her looking so anxious, biting at her nails. Sage lead Renee over to her room, figuring maybe the common area couch wasnāt private enough for her news. She picked up her duffle that laid on her bed a pulled it under and set her camera aside. āWhatās wrong baby?ā Sage asked pulling her girlfriend down beside her, she felt nervous and she didnāt know why. She laced her pinky with Reneeās. Always finding comfort in the small touch, it was their thing.
Dropping her bag on the floor Renee allowed herself to be pulled onto the bed. Renee nearly started crying when Sageās pinky wrapped itself around her own. Oh how she would never be able to have pinky promises with anyone else. Renee swallowed thickly once again.Ā "I... I need you to just listen to me for a little before saying anything. It is seriously going to be so hard to talk and... and it is not something I could do over the phone... you deserve to hear this in person.ā
āIām not okay. I... I havenāt been okay for a while, baby. I.. Thereās this darkness thatās been inside me. This angry and-and just... I havenāt felt like myself for a while. I used to be able to take things a lot, now Iām constantly worried or feeling... feeling like Iām being used or paranoid about peopleās thoughts of me. I never used to be like that... I never used to have this... this exhaustion.ā She licked her lips. It was clear in Reneeās voice how painful this was to talk about. Mental health wasnāt the most common subject.Ā āIām... I need help. To get through these problems of mine and just give myself another chance ya know?ā Her lip trembled.Ā āSo... Iām moving back home.ā
The news sat in the air for a moment before she spoke up again.Ā āI donāt... It is not fair of me to assume you would wait around for me. To make you wait or stick through all this. I donāt... I donāt know how my life is going to go after this. I donāt know how long it will take but I need to focus on me. Iām... petrified of a file, Iām feeling like my best friend uses me... Iām not thinking straight and I just... I canāt do this to you too. You... you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You make... you are what centers me and helps me. The light in my day... but that isnāt healthy. I canāt just be happy with you I need to be happy in myself - and I canāt force my mental health onto you like it is your responsibility to take care of me when youāre not a doctor or professional. I need you to... to... to focus on you. To step out in this world proud of who you are andĀ let yourself be free. Being with me... right now is not something that can be done. I canāt... and I wont drag you down in this sinking ship.ā Tears were now streaming down her cheeks.Ā āYou are so beautiful Sage... you make me see this world in bright colours. Your smile just... for what I would do to kiss those lips every day and hold you close... but I canāt. Not in this time in my life and I will not make you wait around for me.. I will never forgive myself for that. This.. this is killing me... you are the hardest thing to ever let go and you donāt deserve it. Iām... I will probably never forgive myself for this.. but I have to do this.. I hope you can understand that... Iām so sorry. Iām so so sorry.ā Renee released her hand from Sageās to cover her face. She was full on crying now, hating herself for doing this to them. She never thought she would be the reason, that it would all be her fault.
Things had been a little hard recently, with Daniel in the hospital and worrying about his health and how Renee was dealing with things, James in the accident with his blackouts, and Gabe in the hospital having amnesia, unable to remember who she was. She was one more bit of bad news away from throwing in the towel. Sage had put all of it aside for one thing, she wanted to be there for her girlfriend as Renee had been there for her before despite how things may have affected her as well.
She was looking forward to their trip to California, Sage felt they both needed the break. It seemed as if something was always in the way for them and she was excited for the vacation. Sheās been in the process of getting things sorted when she heard the knock on the door. Rushing over to it, she grinned seeing her girlfriend at the door. āHello, face!ā she greeted. āThis is the best surpri- whatās wrong?ā she asked as she noticed the look on Reneeās face. She looked almost panic stricken and Sages stomach dropped. āIs it Daniel, is he ok?ā immediately pulling the other into a hug.
Renee's guilt hit her as soon as Sage pulled her into a hug. She wrapped her arms around the female, breathing the girls scent in. Renee closed her eyes, letting this moment sink in for a moment. She pulled back, running a hand through her hair.Ā āDanielās still in hospital,ā she said in a soft voice. Reneeās eyes flickered around, trying to take in all of Sage whilst she still had the chance to. Maybe she could just forget everything - go burn the letters, go cancel everything with her family. Maybe she could push it all down again just to put a smile back on Sageās face. But the idea of pushing it all done made Reneeās stomach hurt. She couldnāt deal with this. She needed help. Real help.
āCan I come in?ā She asked softly, her gaze falling a little.Ā āI need to talk to you about something.... important. I-ā she took a deep breath, finding it hard to get everything out clearly. She hadnāt even began to talk through things and she was already freaking out. Renee starting to bite on of her nails, looking through her lashes at Sage. Sheād never had to do this sort of thing before. Sheād never had to be so selfish - to break both of their hearts. Sheād never had to walk away from love.
This may seem weird seeing as we donāt talk often, but Iām leaving town and want to give you this. In the little time I have known you I have seen what a genuine person you are. I hope for the best in the future and an invite to the wedding ;)Ā
If you ever want to chat Iāve left my contact details. Have a nice life man.
- Renee Blake
PS: Tell Madison I wish her the best for her studies and that she is pretty amazing in my books.Ā
I wish I could do this in person but Iām shaking just trying to write this. Iām scared of what you will say or think. I never wanted to be in this position -- I wanted to be the strong one who could help you through it all and never leave your side. Instead Iām drowning in my own problems and it isnāt until now that Iād realized Iām in deep. I need help too.
Lately a lot has been going on, for everyone. For me Iāve been feeling this darkness growing inside of me that seems to come out more and more. I justify it, I try to make myself forget about it. In the last few months Iāve allowed people to treat me ways I never would before, I allow myself to be used or become something on convenience. I get anxiety over things out of my control. I lock myself away in my room to paint rather than go out.
Iām not okay.
I feel like itās taken a while for me to realize just how unhappy and unhealthy I have been. The thing is Iām in deep right now and I need help. I need my family close by, I need people who understand the way my life runs. I canāt keep up with your level of... extreme. I canāt keep being this moral voice for you. You need to decide what you live for, and how you live it. You need to accept the consequences for them though, your actions do affect other people - whether you like it or not.
The thing is youāre been like a brother to me in many ways. Iāve found a lot of joy with you, but also a lot of angry and sadness. I want to hold onto the joy though. The silly moments. The ones will laughter and jokes shared.Ā
Iām going back home - for me. I need to do this. To take myself somewhere I have support and can seek the right kind of help. I shouldnāt be dealing with so much anxiety and feeling lost every other day. I want to be better than that.Ā Writing this is so hard. I donāt want you to hate me, and I donāt want you to think Iām just leaving you. In no way is this easy. Itās breaking my heart but I know more than anything I canāt keep being unhealthy. My mentality needs to find peace. I need to do this for me.Ā
I know a lot of this letter is about me. Pretty much all of it. Please forgive me Iām not that great at these things. Now hereās the part about what I know you can do, what I know you can be. I have watched you for months now slowly changing and adapting to the world around you. You are not the same person I met that first crazy day crying in the park. Youāre more than that. You were so sweet when I met you I have no idea what would come. Iāve seen you do some stupid things, Iāve yelled at you over them and I only do that because I know you can be so much more. You hide this part of yourself that needs to shine because it is beautiful. You are this... You can be so much more but you limit yourself. All I want in life is for you to find joy with people around you without having to risk your life, going to jail or getting hurt. One day I want to see the smile reach your eyes because you had a good day at work, or maybe get a text about little Danielās running around. You deserve a full life -- what happened to you as a child does not mean you can not have everything in the future. You are your own worst enemy. Get the fuck out of your own way - seek help where you can, improve your life for the better. Be happy, completely happy.Ā
On the back of the envelope is my contact details. I donāt want you to worry though, you need to focus on your health and your life settling. I need you to work out what you want in life, because right now I need to work on me too. If you hate me then I will have to learn to live with that... I donāt want you to but I have no choice. I canāt keep allowing myself to turn a blind eye to my mental health. I need to be selfish and do this for myself. I love you Daniel.
Can you please just keep an eye on Sage for me? And think about what you want in life - truly want? Thatās all I ask. Please.
Oh, and to stay safe. People care. I care. I may be a flight away but Iām not gone. Call me, email me, whatever if you need me. I just need to focus on myself for a little while too.Ā
Iām leaving town to go focus on me for a while. Itās a hard choice for me and I just wanted to say goodbye somehow. Obviously I wonāt be able to have a little kitty (I was going to name her Luna) but maybe you can ask Sage if she still wants hers... Iām going to tell her about it as I say goodbye...
Now back to my goodbye to you. Thank you for only ever being joy in my life. You always made me laugh and smile. You are a great guy who never gave me a hard time and always shared the best parts of yourself with me. Iām sorry if I didnāt share the best of me with you.
Now here is a shocker -- I suppose Rosie isnāt too bad. If she does hurt you though Iāll come to Chicago just to fight her - okay? You can always call me, Iām not gone for good just gone from Chicago for now. I got to work on me for a while.
There are moments in life that define a persons character and changes the way they continue life. The way they look at themselves and the way they move through the world. That moment had come for Renee. After a long talk with her parents on the phone Renee had come to some realizations. Maybe Chicago wasnāt as healthy for her as she thought.
In the last few months a lot had happened. Sheād changed from someone who would take everything on with a laugh to someone who was hurting over little things. She felt used by some of the closest people to her and she worthless to others. Her mental health was slipping further and further, to the point she would rather keep things in and stay home than go out with friends. Renee was losing herself... and to get her back she had to lose someone else.
Renee stood in front of Sageās door, her eyes wide as she stared at the wood. She didnāt know if she could do this, but she had to. Renee would never by the kind to end things via a text or a phone call. She needed to talk to Sage in person about what was going on with her life. Renee would rather give Sage up than drag her down as she took time to sort herself out. Who knows how long that could be? Sage was just starting to open up to the world and Renee would hate herself more if she became an obstacle in that.
The thing was Renee loved Sage. By giving up her girlfriend she was giving up the biggest joy she had in her life right now. Sage had brought her peace in the moments of darkness. They had shared something so passionate that Renee didnāt know how she would move forward. It felt as if she was sacrificing the biggest part of her life just to pick up the pieces of her health. Renee closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm the anxiety that had raised with every step closer to Sageās door. Her knuckled hit the hard wood of the front door.
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