#slfrflctn

[gbrllc8-blog]

Monday, July 8th, 2019

- We set our alarm for 7 AM est, and you asked for 20 minutes more because you were still feeling sleepy

- I get up first and wake you up

- I asked you if you need time to recharge, and you said no, and that you will tell me whenever you do; I explained to you that I thought about this since my vision of your need for recharge time can be skewed because I have the luxury of having a lot of time to myself right now

- We didn’t talk the whole day and I forgot that that tomorrow is a holiday there

- I sent you a message around 9 PM est asking if you’re awake and you replied telling me that you forgot to tell me that your cousin came to visit tonight 

- At 9:35 PM est you told me that you would call me in 10 minutes - the call did not come in until 10:21 PM est (the call was around 20 minutes

- You could tell right away that I was not okay; you sounded upset and I asked you if you were upset - I told you that I would love it if you don’t say 10 minutes if it’s not going to be 10 minutes

- You said you were a upset but not at me, you’re just mad that you made me upset

- I clarified that I’m not mad

- You said sorry and clarified that you won’t say it again; you won’t say 10 minutes again unless you know for sure it would only be that

- I told you “you know how I am with time” - “I know”, you said; I told you that I know it’s such a small thing and that I know that sometimes you forget things, but I still felt like that (you emphasize that you didn’t forget, just lost track of time)

- I told you that I was going to sleep (I tried to explain that that’s why I was upset because I waited for 10 minutes- and you said that’s okay, I can just go to sleep because you have to go to); and then I told you no, I just want to talk to you for a little bit, and you said to me that you want to talk to me for just a little bit too

- I asked you about your day - you worked, went to the bank but bank was closed, your cousin asked to visit (he is off today but will work tomorrow and will leave in the morning)

- I told you that I went to a Criminal Law class today (today was a class about the jury system)

- You asked me how the heat was - I said bearable; and you told me that it was really cold there today

- I told you that I’m thinking of going back to work soon; maybe this Wednesday or Thursday; you said that if it was you, you would go back on a Monday since everyone is also catching up and there will be less social anxiety for you; I told you that I could go back to work anytime I want 

- You told me about the Tabletop simulator that you discovered; it can simulate boardgames; and that’s why you took a while, since boardgames can take a while

- You told me you’re playing a cooperative game, you thought you would lose, but you won

- I told you that this is a cooperative game too, us. You agree with me

- I ask if you’re okay, and you’re okay you said, just feeling sick

- I told you that I feel anxious about it, that I don’t want to fight you

- You reassure me that you are okay and ask me if I’m okay - I tell you that I’m okay (I really am)

- I said sorry to you for saying that I’m okay when it’s obvious that I wasn’t earlier; it was like automatic and I would’ve told you anyway

- I ask for a video call (whyyy, you said), and I told you I have spots on my face due to period breakout; I asked you if you’d mind and you said no you don’t mind

- You’re wearing glasses because you’re playing on the computer you said

- You showed me June; and kept spanking her; you told me your mom doesn’t like it because she thinks it hurts her

- We talk about Stranger Things and how we’re going to finish it soon (we were both shocked that we already finished 5 episodes)

- You showed me the lights in your bedroom (one of them flickered, spooky)

- I tell you we have to go; we say our Goodnights; you said Love you to me first and I say it back

- Was about to hang up and you showed me June again

I really appreciate that this happened; that I felt safe to express my upset; you got upset because you upset me and I was able to tell you that I’m not upset anymore and we are both okay before hanging up

I really want to talk about this again with you to make sure we are both okay:

- I want to make sure you are okay, ask if you have any unresolved feelings

- I want to tell you that the reason I was feeling upset is because I tend to often take time literally; I want to emphasize that I find this both a strength and a weakness and that I’m working on it

- I get anxious when the agreed time is not met, and especially when a longer amount of time has passed

- But I also appreciate it when people tell me how much more time I have to wait since it’s better than letting the anxiety guess

- I want to tell you that I’m not upset anymore and that you didn’t disappoint me; I was more upset that I got upset over it (since I am working on being more relaxed about time)

- The secondary reason why I got upset is because I thought you already knew how I am with time and felt like you forgot or just said what you said for the sake of saying it.

BUT NOW I know now that that’s not the case, it was simply because you lost track of time.

- I want to understand you, how would you have reacted if you were in my place?

- I think I could’ve avoided what happened if I had just told you that I wanted to sleep earlier instead of waiting. At that time I really wanted a chance to talk a little bit because I forgot that it was a holiday and I thought you were starting the teaching tomorrow and I wanted to like cheer you about it.

- I’m feeling really vulnerable right now and I think this is where the anxiety is coming from. I feel like you’ve already seen the ugly sides of me. Every day I strive to be better. Can you accept me as I am?

- I really thought about how to express how I feel. Babe, I love you, in all the ways I know how. If you feel like you’ve hurt me without meaning to, I forgive you, because I believe in you and I trust that you wouldn’t do something to deliberately hurt me. And what you think and feel about this, and anything else really, is important for me. And I love to hear from you, to understand you better, what makes you upset, what makes you feel better.

-

I also appreciate that we got a chance to talk and even video call 

[gbrllc8-blog]

Tuesday, July 2nd, 2019

- You sent me a good morning text

- I replied to you in the morning and you replied later in the afternoon telling me that your cousin is still there and he is likely sleeping over, but that it doesn’t matter because you will call me anyway (an hour or so you said); I told you that I am almost done season 1 of Stranger Things and you are so happy about it and told me that you will wait for me to watch Season 3

- You call me (I was talking to Jez and told you to hold on 5 minutes); you asked me if she gets jealous, and I told you no because I pay attention to the people in my life at appropriate times

- I asked you how you are with all of this since you had been having social interaction since Saturday (4 days now); you told me that you actually were feeling stressed and you were wondering why, and when you read my message you felt like you realized and understood why I really appreciate this since it shows me (and also you, hopefully) that I am receptive of your needs and understands how you are as a person

- I asked you if it’s better that we don’t talk so you can have some alone time; and you said no because you want to talk to me; you reinforced that we wouldn’t be together if I drained your energy

- THIS IS IMPORTANT, it shows your motivation: You told me that when your cousin told you he wouldn’t be going to work, you felt bad because you thought about how we wouldn’t get to talk; I asked you why you felt bad, you said it’s because you want to talk to me; you’re happy that we always find a way to be connected

- I suggested to you that we shouldn’t do the pastels tomorrow so you can have alone time, and you said you were going to say that we should still do them, but you realized that I am right 

- I also asked you if you want to sleep together tomorrow or not; and that i will understand if you don’t want to

- You were making coxinhas while we are on the call; you told me that you didn’t have to tell your cousin that we would talk, you just told him you will cook and he can play games if he wants to; you told me you will send me photos of the coxinhas

- you told me you made churros yesterday and that you didn’t take photos because it didn’t look good - the dough separated in the oil - I suggested perhaps the dough was too wet, and you got so amazed that i know (I told you not to underestimate my cooking skills lol)

- I told you that I like sharing photos with you not because they’re pretty but because it’s sharing with each other; and i told you that it doesn’t matter for me what the photo looks like, I just like it when we share things (it makes me feel connected); you joked that you are being scolded and i told you that i’m not scolding you, i’m just telling you what I like TAKE NOTE: instead of telling someone “you don’t...” tell them “I really like it when...” to encourage them to do more of the positive behaviour, rather than pointing out the negative behaviour

- I asked you about 3 things that made you smile today; new shark video, guy on youtube who does difficult mario levels cooly and patiently, waking up early today and realizing that you can sleep a little more; you added a 4th one, which you say is “now, that we are talking”

- I told you that you really know what to say to make me feel kilig - you remember this word 

- I told you that I watched Spiderman today and wish that we could watch it together

- VOCABULARY: you tell me about farofa (cassava crumbs) and refogar (to sautée)

- TAKE NOTE OF THIS: you told me that if your plans get cancelled, you don’t feel too bad about it because you are usually understanding and you don’t mind doing “nothing” since you like doing that ----- you do feel bad if the person cancels after you have accommodated and they make lots of bad excuses

- I told you that I had a little cry but that it’s completely involuntary and it’s mostly because I have my period; THIS IS TRUE

- We thank each other, you tell me “I love you, babe”; “I love you too, you know that right?”

- I sent you a follow up text to tell you that there is no subtext when we were talking about our reactions to cancelling plans (because i said a cliche line about excuses vs ways)

- you replied a little later apologizing since you were peeling potatoes; you told me not to worry you didn’t think of any subtext and that you understand me; we say goodnight again;

I really appreciate that we can spend time together today, no matter how much, it’s a chance for us to feel connected and together.

I love you.

[gbrllc8-blog]

Monday, July 1st, 2019

- You send me a good morning text and having just woken up I really appreciate this, since you always remember to send me a message in the morning, no matter how early or late

- You might have started working later since since your cousin slept over, not sure, but I will ask you

- I sent you updates, show you the pork we were grilling

- It’s 6:10 PM and we haven’t had a proper conversation yet, and although I did feel a little anxiety purely because I miss you... I feel okay. I am very thankful that I feel more at peace with our relationship.

- I do hope we get to spend the night together today! And I hope that we can have some moments of you not being so sleepy we just go to sleep.

- I just remembered something that you told me the other night; you told me that you’re so random (also silly) when you are with me, and that you’re not usually like that. I told you I like it.

- Around 6:40 PM, you messaged me asking if you can call. You said you just stopped working because you started working late today (since your cousin slept over).

- You said you want to talk now because your cousin will be visiting and sleeping over today and he isn’t feeling good due to work stress.

- You told me you are sorry, sorry because we couldn’t sleep together, it’s only been just one day, but we miss each other; you’re sorry too because you don’t want me to think that you are enjoying it, but that sometimes there are things in life that we have to take care of, and this is one of them I really appreciate you being thoughtful about this; I appreciate the apology

- You said that you like it when we sleep together and you miss that, and you’re thinking that I probably miss it too, I told you that I do I really like that you have thought about this

- I told you that I of course miss you, but that I understand; I told you not to worry; This call today, this is still us spending time together

- You said we will sleep together tomorrow night; “I hope so!”, I said jokingly

- You suggested that we should make pastel together this Wednesday, that for sure we will do the croissants on Wednesday--- you referenced the croissants that we have been trying to make, and that we will still make that I really appreciate you making the suggestion

- I said it’s funny that since for now we can’t go on normal dates yet, we’ve found a way to do this; then you remembered Nichijou and all the other movies and shows we said we’re going to watch; you said that watching Amelie (which we both agreed was a long time ago) is really good and fun I really appreciate you acknowledging this; I nudged you gently and you respond really well and positively

- You went through the photos I sent you while on this call I really appreciate this and you are also sharing stories with me At some point you asked me how long the churros are, when I told you 7 inches, we laughed when I converted them to cm and you understood why I was telling you not to provoke me

- Your cousin arrived and we said our I love yous

I really appreciate this. Tonight I’ll take the time for myself and just watch shows and read things.

[gbrllc8-blog]

Sunday, June 30th, 2019

- Today we woke up together, I woke you up since you didn’t have an alarm and we both decided I will us up, you asked for 20 minutes more of sleep

- we wake up and chat a bit; I asked you to always tell me if you have any concerns and you asked why i’m asking that (I told you it’s random because I just woke up and we just talked about me casually asking “You okay?” and you jokingly said “you could be, you could be not”), but we both agreed that we will always talk about these things

- I suggest that we should fully wake up and hang up so we could both start the day; you agreed and highlighted that we will talk later

- I really appreciate this: You told me “I love you” first and I really feel it. I appreciate it a lot because it feels like it’s been a while (about 1 week or so actually) since you initiated telling me that you love me

- I shot a video for you and decided I will send it this week but not immediately today

- I am so grateful because right now I don’t feel anxiety to be with you; I am at peace because you are in my heart and I know that I am in your heart

- I sent you an update midday to tell you that all the cats had been adopted

- You sent me a 5+ minutes audio talking about the cats, telling me how your brother had visited, and that your cousin will sleepover; you told me you miss you miss me and that you love me

- Although you told me that you would text me and call before sleeping, it got really late (i did wait but I wasn’t anxious and pinning too much), so I decided to send you an audio to tell you not to worry about me and just get rest.

- You sent me a sleepy audio just before sleeping; you told me you would reply better the next day after looking at the photo updates i sent you (of the market adventures); I love you and I hope we can find each other in dreamland.

[gbrllc8-blog]

Saturday, June 29th, 2019

I’m writing this at 9:37 PM EST.

You are at board games the whole day and I am very grateful for the peace that I feel.

We haven’t talked the whole day since we woke up together in the morning.

I sent you a copy of the letter I wrote to you from June 6th, 2019, you said you won’t be able to read it yet, and I understand (because you said you really want to read the physical letter, and you also have to get ready to go to boardgames).

It’s funny how I feel so peaceful, a gentle and strong happiness that has grown inside my heart. Happiness that is outside of you or other things, happiness that comes from knowing that I have been renewed, and that God loves me and is always here with me.

I’m not even feeling resentment or anxiety, but more of a sense of understanding of you, of openness, of thinking of goodness foremost.

I spent the morning with my parents and the afternoon with Leica and I am so, so grateful for this. I thought about you of course, but they are loving and peaceful thoughts (mostly). Even as I’m typing this, I’m feeling a little tired and consider just sleeping, but I would like to wait for you till you came home

A fear that I’ve been having is that you no longer love me or that you love me less than I love you.

- BUT LISTEN TO THIS: 

- If a person no longer loves me; it’s okay because there has existed a time when they love you and you shared that love; YOU love yourself, YOU have other loved ones who love you, GOD LOVES YOU and will never let you down

- If you say a person loves you less than you love them, how do you quantify love? If this is true, this does not remove the fact that they love you still

Summary:

- you texted me around 10 PM est to tell me you are going home and that you’ll be home in an hour, and that you’ll message me when you get home, and that you’ll sleep in the subway; you shared with me a photo of the board game and updated me on the game results; “Talk to you soon my love 💙”

- you texted me when you got home, showered, and then asked to call me

- we talked about your day, you’re so happy telling me how you won a 4 hour game and double the points of the second best player; i found this really sexy and told you i’m happy for you; you talk a lot during boardgames and scream a lot too

- you asked me to tell you about my day too I really appreciate this, because I would like to share with you because you are curious too. I told you about hanging out with my parents and eating at the carinderia and then meeting my cousin and walked a lot while she plays POGO

- i suggested again that we don’t do the croissants the next day so you can have time to yourself after being so tired from boardgames; you said awww and agreed that it’s better

- we talked about our plans for Sunday - you will study, your brother will probably visit; I told you I will go to cat shelter and then go to the market later

- You told me you read the card and you’re resisting reading the letter because you are confident the actual letter will arrive; you told me you will read it, i told you it’s okay and not to worry because it is yours now (I gave it to you)

- We couldn’t have sex because your mom was awake playing games; I told you I can’t anyway because i’m so sleepy; i told you I have my period and my period won’t stop us having sex

- We sleep together and you turn off your alarm, trusting me to wake you up in the morning; i told you that it’s okay if you don’t have your earphones, I will hang up and call you; you told me that I’m so smart I really appreciate this, you just trusting it on me to wake you up

- We said our I love yous to each other; “Goodnight, my love”, “You are my love too”

[gbrllc8-blog]

Saturday, June 15th, 2019

I am writing this so I can make sense of how I feel, to be aware, to understand why I’m feeling like this, what I’m afraid of, what’s beneath this fear, to heal myself from these fears, and to prevent these negative feelings from affecting our relationship

In the past few days I’ve been feeling a sort of insecurity regarding our relationship, and I am aware that this is likely due to the state of my own feelings, and to certain triggers of negative emotions. I’d like to discuss some points

- I feel that recently you have not been vocal about saying I love you to me. Although, on Monday June 10th, you did send me an audio with you telling me you love me, you call me My love a lot more these days, and even if you haven’t said it as much as I am used to, you put more effort for us these days (for example: telling me that it’s okay that some days I am not okay, you still want to be with me, telling me that you are here for me, wanting to spend time with me as soon as you get home from work, sleeping together) --- THIS IS A REMINDER TO MYSELF - You love me, this is how it feels like, you care for me and you want to spend time with me.

- Recently it feels like we have not had as much sex as before (this can be explained by us feeling more tired, putting more into talking until we fall asleep, your parents’ door being open, your parents being home more than before --- although, you sent me audio of you cumming after watching my videos on Wednesday June 5th) --- On Wednesday night June 12th, we did manage to have a quick intimate session, i wanted to suck your cock and made you cum after asking you to be quiet; On Friday night June 14th, you apparently got to excited after we started talking dirty and talking about that things we will do to each other and we could not stop. You came twice. This morning I woke you up while I was masturbating and you woke up to me moaning. It feels so good. We start to talk about what we’re going to do to each other again. 

- When you take a while to reply somehow I compare it to how we were in the beginning when we can’t seem to stop talking to each other.  But I have to recognize that the reason why we don’t do that anymore is we now both feel more secure in the relationship. And perhaps the reason why in the past few days I’ve been feeling almost restless wanting to talk to you all the time and feeling anxious when you don’t reply promptly--- is my own insecurities.

I am well aware that I do trust you very much and that you trust me too, and that despite this trust, I still have some fears. 

To put it simply, I fear losing a person that I love. I fear being betrayed by the person that I love and them not being honest with me.

The reason for this fear is simple of course, who wants to lose something or someone they love? No one. There is also the fear that I invest in something and risk on something and it doesn’t yield the return that I need and want. This is normal.

However, what is causing this fear? 

I think that the answer lies within myself. I have some insecurities about myself currently, and I am not giving as much love to myself as I usually do. 

Here’s what I have in mind to heal myself:

- Invest in myself, self-care, positive growth

- Eat healthier, go to the gym everyday, spend more time with my loved ones, spend more time on activities that enrich myself

- Take care of my relationships by taking care of my emotional state first

- Practice the Four Agreements “Be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, always do your best”

Doing and practicing all of this will put me at peace and at ease because it would mean that I am doing my best, and I am giving my best to the people I love. If the relationship flourishes, then it’s great, if it doesn’t, then I’ve done my best and I would not have regrets.

My promise to you, My Love: I will always communicate with you how I feel and not make assumptions, I will communicate with you after I make sense of the feelings (meaning, I will no explode on you without thought), I will always make you feel my love, I will always appreciate the ways that you love me.

This week:

- You have been cooking while talking to me. I appreciate this since it allows us to spend time together even while you’re doing something that you enjoy.

- I woke up in the middle of the night because of the noise coming from outside your street, I called, Babe, and you understood without me asking ---  you got up and closed the window without saying anything --- I thanked you and I thanked you again in the morning. 

- You telling me that you want to be with me, even on the days that I don’t feel 100%. I told you the same.

- This is more from last week, around the time that my cousin’s baby was born, we talked about having children - and we joked about waking up in the middle of the night to take care of it - you half joked that we should just have pets - and we discussed that I’m not sure if I want to and we agreed that we should only have children when we are ready. I appreciate this because it’s important that we can have conversations like this about our future.

- You telling me that this week is a normal week for you, but you really enjoyed discovering the marble machine videos, and also the peaceful cooking videos. We laugh about you saying that there was nothing special about your week, except for me, I joked about how it was a nice save, and you said it isn’t a save. I really appreciate that because it makes me feel your love. 

- I think I discovered that I really appreciate using words to affirm feelings. 

In the afternoon today, before I went to the Filipino event, I sent you a sexual message. You responded to me with audio messages. At this point I had a feeling that you had already started to help your friend with the software. You continue to send me the audios, they are more rushed than usual. I really appreciate that you still take the time to do something that you know will make me happy. 

Right now I’m getting ready for bed and you haven’t responded to me since I sent you a message of me going home. I think I will try to wait for you until 10:15 PM here, but if not, I will just send you an audio message to say Goodnight, and also to say thank you for your support.

I am so thankful today because I am learning to take back my freedom and my sense of self again.

I love you, and I love myself.

Thank you.