I
You become what you manifest...
Deserves an ellipsis than of a period. For so long I ruminate on this quote ever since I read it on one of my juniors at the time I was working. Seeing her work in a country that I have been dreaming for so long, becomes such irony. I have seen so many people walk passed me and attain this dream of mine. Funny thing is, it wasn’t even their first choice, or maybe I’m just a transparent person. Envy has become my drug ever since I had plans to work abroad, good thing is I’m much more mature to handle my insecurity and needless emotions. Before, I used to feel uneasy and isolate myself or try to associate with other people (which I am still doing now) with less of the toxic emotion I tag along in my course of frustration and disappointment. Although I am aware that my mind seems more calm, yet I am also conscious of the future dangers of my predicament. I am jobless. Me and my brother solely depend on our hard working 64-year old widowed mother. It has been running like this despite attaining my college diploma. 2 years jobless is to 2 years of employment which was followed by another 2 years of unemployment in the attempts to process exams in working abroad then went back to the same company for another 2 years of service that eventually led to another case of unemployment which is heading for 2 this May 2021. I am ashamed that I am lazy because when I am outside with other people I enjoy working, doing the best I can offer regardless if I am praised or recognized. I am a half-bred people-person/introvert. As much as I can excel with people, by the end of the day I still crave for isolation. By golly, how I even enjoy staying at home because I am well-sheltered, not by my own hardwork but of my mom’s (reason why I would love to work at home). I wish there was a job for me that does not require me to please people with a sufficient salary that can help in our family. My goal in life is really to provide for our family but 31 years, my life has been the exact opposite. I recall in my college years that I used to chant in my head “many are called but few are chosen”, a phrase I commonly hear on every speech spoke by our instructions and dean in my degree. Every day felt like paranoia - of failure and getting left behind. it may not be what everyone felt but I did. It felt real to me. My daily anxiety was unheard of by my family since we were struggling financially. In the midst of my struggles, I would always look up the sky and my go-to comfort song was “who am I” by casting crowns. College years was my years of identity crisis. Being born to a struggling middle class family, I was the child who had to bear the dreams of my parents. They wanted me to take nursing while I was naively dreaming to become a model in college while going to school; however, with the demands of a prestigious nursing school it was impossible. For a second degree, was Veterinarian. My dreams were crushed when my mother never spoke to me after I told her of my plans to model while schooling and all the more when she discouraged me to take veterinarian since this job requires capital to start a business. She didn’t even ask me if I was even planning to open a clinic. All I wanted to do as a veterinarian was be in service to aide the strays in our city. When she heard this, She told me the grim future waiting for me in such disposition. It is true, though.. she only wants what’s best for me. But I still regret to this day regret being obedient to their wishes. Sure it never is the same with the assurance of working abroad and earning a far more decent income. Unfortunately, no person can foresee the outcomes of their decision. Hence, regret is such a burdensome companion to have. Ever since, I took the choice to obey... I forgot to decide for myself since then.
I am extremely tired, exhausted, depressed. I just want my life to be over.
Yet God has a different plan and I don’t know what.
