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Peaky Blinders | S01E05
long breathe out
you know how you feel when you sink into a bed of super soft feather pillows
thats how i kinda feel right now
Slumped Shoulders
When you breakdown and cry, do not reach for your phone and call them.
Fall asleep instead to the steady hum of the ghosts residing deep within the gyri of your brain. Trace the faces of your monsters on the stains on your ceiling and on the haphazardly-painted walls. Feel your head spin with every little thing you dare think of. In the morning, avoid their stares. Keep your head down and pretend everything is alright. As if you didn't spend the night contemplating life and the matter of its end. As if the pillows cradling your head didn't sag with the weight of your anxiety and fears. Laugh. Smile. Just don't make eye contact. Because you never did learn to conceal the way you feel from the way your eyes change. When you feel them staring, let them. Do not acknowledge the fact that there are people who heard you sobbing and losing control. Make yourself believe that if you don't recognize the way they looked at you with pity, sympathy, and new-found wariness, last night didn't happen.
When you breakdown and cry, do not reach for your phone and call them.
When your mother calls you at the middle of the night, answer. When she asks you how you are, say you're fine with a smile. The same answer you told her last night before you realized it had been a force of habit: telling people you're fine. Listen to her chatter on and on about people you don't give a damn about.
Try working or studying. Do not check your phone every minute or so, expecting someone to text you asking if you're really okay. Read poetry and fall in love with how others express themselves the way you wanted. When you breakdown and cry, do not reach for your phone and call them. And when you've finally given up, lay down in your bed. Breathe. Talk. Sleep. The monsters are quiet tonight. The hole isn't as menacing as it was last night. Then, wake up in the morning with squeezing chest pains, halfway through your muddled sleep.
When you breakdown and cry, do not reach for your phone and call them.
