Probably gonna have to watch through Scavengers Reign again to really "get it" but goddamn is that one of the best shows I've seen in a long while. The animation was impeccable and the soundtrack is absolutely phenomenal.
Not to mention they released it almost perfectly. My boomer take has always been that, even though it's on a streaming service and they can release eps in whatever number they like to, they should do it one episode per week. However, in lieu of that, the 3-ep per week drops are the second best option. You increase your mindshare and people can't just binge it all, talk about it for a week, and then forget it. This keeps people talking, keeps people engaged, and allows for your show to have a much larger cultural presence than just dropping the whole series in one go. Worked for Arcane. How many people still give a shit about the Witcher? Water Cooler talk and posting on the internet are what keep your shit relevant and that's how you do it.
I love being on the back end of figuring out a healthy relationship with food and being able to take breaks from whatever I'm doing, food-wise. I used to panic about that shit constantly.
Case in point, it was my wife's birthday recently. That weekend, we went to karaoke, hung out with friends, and just generally engaged in merriment. I'm trying to get down to 190 (currently sitting around 211 or so. 190 will put me the closest I've been a Healthy range BMI in about 15 years) and, in the past, that would have me panicking, unable to enjoy the weekend, and/or inadvertently making my wife's birthday celebration all about me (internally).
Now, since I'm no longer trying to lose weight for medical/health reasons (I'm doing this just for me and to prove that I can) and I have amazing habits and procedures in place, I can just take a weekend off and snap back into it once the festivities are over.
Back when I was in college, I would occasionally try "going on a diet" (in the loosest sense of the phrase), would try to do too much too quickly, have one bad day, assume the whole thing was bust, and then give up. Now, I don't let it faze me. The weekend is over, I'm back on the horse, and things are going smoothly.
If you're at the point where you still may not trust yourself to have a weekend like that, don't put yourself in the position to do so. For a while, back when I was still really trying to lose weight for, specifically, health-related reasons, there came a point where I could no longer trust myself to "just take a few days off". But once I got past that point, I was able to give a bit of slack on the leash. Set your habit and routine in stone and, later on, not only will you actually like doing the things you've been doing more than the excessive stuff anyway, but also, if you decide "fuck it, I'm gonna eat a pizza" then you won't have to feel that you've failed yourself, or that the whole thing isn't worth it anymore. Eatza the pizza and then get right back to it the next day.
As always, believe in yourself and trust yourself. Trust in your support system, if you have one. If you don't, and you're reading this, know that I support you. There are those of us out here that know what you're going through, that empathize and sympathize with the struggle. Some days, it can be really difficult. But be gentle with yourself. The effort put into this will pay off. I promise.
I think one of the hardest things for me to learn in life was that if you want to affect change in your life, you have to do it incrementally. Brick by brick.
I've always been somewhat impatient. I want to be good at writing NOW. I want to be healthy NOW. I want to be physically fit NOW. I want to take better care of myself NOW. But I never gave myself the time or the grace to just do that stuff one bit at a time. I had to have it NOW and if I wasn't able to achieve it immediately, it wasn't worth it and/or I was a failure.
You don't need to write an entire novel this weekend. Try a few sentences or something. You don't need to have your entire bodily ecosystem figured out immediately. Take a step towards that goal every day (whatever that looks like). You're not gonna be fully ripped within a month (or less) of going to the gym. Talk to me in a year. Your teeth aren't be permanently fixed from one week of brushing after being a dipshit in your 20s (oddly specific, that one). Start flossing and doing that shit right and you can be back on the right track. You're not gonna lose 30 pounds near instantly. It takes careful time and effort to do that.
BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF.
The things I've done in my life to make myself feel better and set myself up for a kickass later part of my life were all started about 3 years ago. I have, just now, kind of got my whole scene in order. And it's STILL not perfect. But I'm working on it every day. Brick by brick.
And the best part is that ANYONE can do it. It's simple, but it's not easy. I wish there were an easy way to just get the things that you want. Believe me. But what I've come to understand is that you get out of life what you put into it. Change is really difficult but anyone is capable of it.
Just a summary of what I'm gonna use my space here for.
TLDR: I'm lifting and managing my weight well, I'm getting more in touch with what is going on with me sexually (possibly being bisexual), and I want to use my space here to be a positive influence in the world around me regarding these topics. Read on for more details. :)
Yo. I'm back at it again. I know it's been a while since I've posted anything of substance on here and I'm going to rectify that now. Unsure where, specifically, I left things, but the tumor wasn't in my brain it was in my lung. Had an upper left lobectomy (they chopped out the part of my lung that had the tumor in it) and have been through physical therapy, weaning off the steroid (which was awful, bydaway), and now into strength training and more exercise. I've built back a lot of muscle (not a ton, but enough). I'm continuing to cook and eat well and even got down to 200 pounds (from 317!!!). Did some maintenance for a while then a bit of bulking up to about 220 and am now cutting again. Plan is to ladder myself back down to "normal" BMI. We're gonna do this cut down to 190, bulk up again to about 210, then slingshot myself down to 180 and try to hover between 180 and 190 until the end of linear time (or my death, whichever comes first).
I'm, generally, feeling very good and am now realizing what I want to use this space for. I want to be a force for good, especially in the spaces of fitness, eating, nutrition, and other such things. My wife turned me on to anti-fat activist content about 3 years ago when I was initially trying to lose weight on doctor's orders and I was pretty upset by the things that I saw and heard in that time of exploration. My most disturbing realization was that, if things had gone a different way, I could easily have seen myself buying into this ideology that "I don't need to change, I'm perfect the way I am, I'm not wrong the world is, etc". I used to parrot some of the more rudimentary ideas when I was in college as well. For example, I genuinely believed that you didn't gain weight from drinking beer, you gained weight from the food you ate when you were drunk. I also firmly believed that liquor (whiskey, rum, vodka, etc) had inherently fewer calories than beer so they were better to drink, generally. Like I really actually believed that. And would say it out loud. To other people. Christ.
So anyway, I've been to therapy, I've talked a lot of these issues out and, while I'm not perfect and DEFINITELY not a medical professional, I've learned a lot of stuff in the 3+ years of, basically DIY, weight loss and diet adjustment. I've changed the way I thought about food, what I used it for, how I purchase it, and how I let it affect me. I want to be able to help other people do the same.
I'll go between different topics, probably. One of the things I focused on in therapy was getting comfortable with myself sexually as well. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you I'm the most attractive guy in the world. Cushing's left me with a pretty goofed up body and I have a lot of excess fat and skin to deal with at some point. But I figured out, with the help of my therapist and talking with my wife, what I liked, how to be comfortable in my skin (even if I'm not always happy with it), and how to get the most out of a healthy sexual relationship. I'm also, at the ripe age of 35, beginning to explore the possibility of being bisexual, something that I haven't really had to grapple with. Being raised Catholic and having attended an all-boys Catholic high school, my expectation for myself was that "I'm straight, end of". However, being so far removed from that hyper-religious upbringing, I'm now starting to realize that might not be the case. I just have to figure out how to go about testing the theory and exploring my sexual world outside the strict boundaries of how I was raised. I don't expect it to be easy, but I think it will be fun and, at the least, informative.
So watch this space if any of those things interest you.
I have a weird take that I need to get out in the world somewhere and this appears to be the best place to do so
Everyone should have their first playthrough of a Souls game be either alone or, failing that, with someone to whom that game is the best in the series.
Let me explain.
--- Disclaimer: This is all just, like, my opinion, man ---
To start this post off, there are a few things I need to get out of the way. Chief among these is that my first Souls game was Dark Souls 2, so I'm a sicko who has absolutely NO nostalgia or overfondness for Dark Souls 1. As such, people who slob all over DS1's knob are total fucking weirdos to me, because I think the game, gameplay-wise, is the absolute worst of the entire series and the lore is, like, mid at best. To a less-important extent, I have neither fought nor beaten Artorias or played the DLC for DS1. To be quite honest, I don't think that matters very much but I know some mfers will be like "BUT HE'S THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WHOLE SERIES" to which I would rebut - then that sucks. One guy in one, fairly small (considering later releases), DLC being the best thing about a series is kinda bleak isn't it? Personally, I think that DS1 is held in such a high regard because it was the higher-profile Second of its Kind, a refined version of what was started in Demons' Souls. People nut over the interconnected world thing too, which is cool but has pretty poor implementation that makes getting anywhere and doing all the backtracking you have to do REALLY tedious. Least important is that I have not, and probably am not going to, ever played Demons' Souls. I just don't have interest in it and the gameplay is probably jankier that DS1 and I already barely have patience for that.
As a side note, Dark Souls 3, despite having what I believe to be some of the better gameplay and some of my favorite weapons, areas, music, and bosses in the series, is just the worst in that it's a fanservice game for DS1 fans and almost exclusively nothing else. Yes, they tacked some DS2 stuff in there as a pity drop for DS2 truthers but it seems to just kinda pretend that DS2 doesn't exist and is just so masturbatory that I almost can't stand it.
Glad to have these off my chest. If you're ready to discount everything I have to say from here on out based on that first paragraph, then godspeed. Continuing.
In looking to take my mind off of my current situation (see older posts for context regarding my cool disease), I decided to turn to comfort vidya games, namely playing through Elden Ring again, something I haven't done in quite a while. I'm remembering how much I love it and my playthrough, which is still going strong as of this writing, is super fun. I'm taking the game much slower than any previous playthrough I've done besides the first (this one is number 5) and am just enjoying being in the Lands Between, readily awaiting the DLC for the game that will likely come out in 2024. One of the things I've always done when I'm playing a game, specifically a game that I don't really need to pay attention to story-wise or sound-wise, I have videos or music or something on in the background. I'm sure many of you do this as well.
[QUICK SIDE NOTE: One of my more nostalgic sensory memories is when I used to do this in my room, during my high school years, playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 while watching episodes of Archer in the background. I can see the evening sun coming through my windows and it was such a warm and comfortable environment that I constantly yearn for it again, even though I know I'll probably never have another moment quite like that, carefree and cozy, just doing my thing. Eh. A guy can dream though, right? END QUICK SIDE NOTE]
What I've been having on in the background as of late are the Super Best Friends Play [insert Souls game here] compilations. These playthroughs, with the exception of Bloodborne (Pat and Woolie switching off controls on death, arguably the worst way to play a Souls game) and DS3 (Pat on the sticks and overleveling to the point of ruining the playthrough lol), are in the same format - Woolie, is on the sticks and Pat backseats, providing some context and guidance throughout. initially, for the DS2 playthrough, I was very excited because Woolie's first Souls game was the same as mine! Hey! This dude is playing it in the same order that I did! However, when I watched through it the first time, ALL Pat could do was shit on DS2 and say how much better DS1 was. In subsequent videos and playthroughs, it comes through VERY clearly and notably that this tainted Woolie's view of the entire series and greatly affected the way he interacted with it. On this watch, I formulated the above opinion.
The Souls games are so fucking good that they do NOT deserve to be ruined by someone shouting in your ear about how a different one did things better. Yes, I think DS1 is the worst of the series but even at that point, it's the worst of one of the best series of games of all time, which is still incredibly good. Obviously, the ideal way to play a Souls game is to go in completely blind and do it by yourself. But if you're playing with friends or in your Discord or something or someone is coming over to watch you play (if people still do that. GOD I hope they do), someone in the room should have that Souls game be their favorite. The game gets proper hype and no sole voice in the backseat gets to say some shit about how the fight with Artorias was better or "there's too many dudes in armor" or something about how it's "SO INNOVATIVE" that Gwyn's theme is sad piano plunks instead of epic boss music (which, to be fair, it is but shut up about it already. We get it). It's crazy to me how just one person's attitude like that can poison a perception of a game. For someone playing through them for the first time (people of whom I am EXTREMELY jealous), the initial impression is everything and every person should get to have the joy of playing through them unmarred by negativity about the game they are currently playing.
I don't know if this is anything and I don't think this argument is fully fleshed-out in this post or even really coherent. Just some dumb weird thoughts I wanted to put out there on my favorite game series.
I haven't written anything in a few days, mostly because things are getting entirely worse over the past few days and I have spent a lot of time in and out of the emergency room and rapidly deteriorating due to my superfun illness. However, some good news on this front. Under the cut to keep it from cluttering up the feed.
Had an appointment with an Endocrinologist today (who RULES, by the way) and she gave me what was, in my eyes, my first official Cushing Disease diagnosis. Interestingly enough, the thing that was tell-tale for her were the stretch marks on my stomach. She asked me to pick up my shirt to see the stretch marks I confirmed that I had and no sooner than the shirt started coming up she said "Yeah, you have Cushing." Interestingly, the color and width of the stretch marks is specifically indicative of Cushing rather than "normal" stretch marks. Mine are purple-ish and very wide, the ones that pregnant women or people with larger stomachs may get are not. I had just attributed the marks to me being just a regular fat guy, but apparently not. Dunno, I found that interesting.
The doctor had a lot of good things to say, asked a lot of good questions of me, and gave a very solid path forward as far as next steps in this whole process. I have my MRI to scan my noggin for the pituitary tumor on 10/30 and then, according to the Endo, if there is a tumor there, I will meet with a Neurosurgeon in the next few weeks. From there, it's schedule the surgery, get it done, and then recover. Hopefully that means the surgery could be before end-of-year, maybe even before Crimmus. It'll most likely be the surgery where they go in through my nose, nab the thing, and get out. There is a chance, depending on what is found in the MRI, that they may have to actually cut into my head, so we're hoping for NOT that. If there is no pituitary tumor present, I'll have to get a scan of my chest to check for a lung tumor, so we're hoping for NOT THAT. Either way, with these docs at the tiller, I'm excited, hopeful, and confident in a way I haven't been for a bit. I'm very lucky to have not only access to these doctors and this care bu also for lucking into a good team that continues to actually get work done for me and get me the care I need. I really wish everyone had access to this kind of stuff.
We're getting back into it and this is the first day back. I guess the streak resets? I don't know how to handle that and I'm thinking I also don't give a shit. I'm doing this for me anyway and when you have a streak of pretty bad days, this is just gonna happen. But we're back on the horse and ready to rumble.
